My new breast friend

I have a big announcement- I bought a new bra!!! Yay. It is not a sports bra, it is a pretty one.  It is super comfy and most importantly it fits. 

I purchased it in Tesco as they actually sell bras that go up to my size in there!! It was meant to be, we walked towards the clothing section where I immediately saw a huge collection of bras with a big Sale sign next to it. I did not have a huge choice as literally there was one bra in my size in the whole section. 

It is in a cream colour and as I wanted one white and one black basic, I think this basically ticks the boxes for the white one. 

I have struggled so much over the bra issue this last year. With a arm that didn't move and it would hurt if lifted it was so hard to even get one on and off. I sat with my physical therapists in the hospital who I admit became really close friends to me at the time as they were the people who I spent lots of my time with, we discussed bras and I genuinely thought at that point that I would be in sports bras for the rest of my life. I still climb into my bra as opposed to clipping and unclipping it but I manage.

 Very excited about this purchase and I have to say that Tesco has a rather lovely selection of bras in the sale section at the moment and if you are not such a odd size like myself, there is a pretty good chance of grabbing yourself a beautiful bargain. 

Wishing Part one

Life has always got to get harder before it gets easier. I have certainly found that out as late. Money is what is making my life hard right now, I can't work and I do not know when I will be able to again, I do say when not if. I am sure the time will come but recovering from a stroke isn't a easy job and there are no quick fixes. Instead as with the rest if my life, I need to make the most of what I have got. 

My money situation is harder right now because I am trying to make it better so I am going through the harder part and expecting the easier part to follow,  I have made some changes which is making it harder for me right now but it is the for the best, long term. 

I am enjoying window shopping at the moment so I thought why not use a little space here to create a list of things I am wishing for. Which may help me sort out things within my grasp, find cheaper alternatives or realise that I do not actually need them. Anyway I think it will be fun. 

1. A handheld or cordless vacuum cleaner

I struggle with my current one so much, I find it heavy and if I get the cord even slightly tangled I find it really hard to unravel. My left hand tends to hinder rather than help. One of the first times that I watched Mary Poppins, I fell in love with the song "a spoonful of sugar" and particularly the line "in every job that must be done, there is a element of fun, you find the fun and snap the jobs a game" I still believe in this and I do think that you can make anything fun but I am struggling to find anything fun about using a vacuum cleaner lately. 

2. A iron

Mine is not working very well at all so it needs replacing. 

3.  A laptop or notebook 

My current computer is old. I would like a new one for myself and my daughter. It doesn't have to be the most expensive or the most fancy but one that just  works would be brilliant. 

4. A USB stick or something smiliar

So that I can keep a copy of the photos that I have saved on my current computer before  I can get rid of it as it is taken up unnecessary room in the living room. 

5. A portable iphone charger

People panic if they don't hear from me for a while and I also panic myself about being caught out alone with no battery on my phone. 

6. A back pack/ handbag

To bring when on days out as my over the shoulder bag is not big enough to hold a lot. I would like a black leather look one but the ones I really like are far too expensive. 

7. Water bottles

One for me and one for my daughter to bring out and about with us. I don't want to spend a lot but I want them to be pretty and good quality. 

8. Hats

I am not sure if this is necessary anymore as it appears that our summer may be over? If it comes back now which I really hope it does then me and Cerys could do with a sun hat each. I have my eye on a black either wide brimmed hat or a trilby and would like similar for Cerys but that is her choice. 

9. Pyjamas 

This is not an essential but I would like to get me and Cerys a new pair to take to London with us. I really like primark pyjamas but I'm not sure I will even get to one before we leave anyway so this may not happen.

9. A DVD player 

Cerys has a TV in her bedroom but she can not use it for anything so it seems a waste. I would like to get a DVD player for it so that it can actually be used. 

10. A headboard for my bedroom

With a shelf and storage. 

11. A new pair of jeggings

As mine are falling down on me and are not tight enough on the leg.

12. Shoes

I am fed up of always wearing the same shoes but I need ones that are cushioned, my feet don't fall out of and they don't cost too much. 

13. Some Vitamin B12 supplements

When in hospital, the doctors gave me a loading dose of Vitamin B12. After my stroke I obviously was paralysed down my left side but a lot of the time I would be thinking how well I felt. I had spent the months before it with little or no energy, I really struggled. I would do half a day in work then have to go to bed and would regularly say I feel like I need a tonic, I am  convinced that it was the B12 that helped me as all of the symptoms of a defiency made so much sense to me. 

The hospital had mentioned that another dose was due three months later but when I went to the doctors they tested

Me and my levels were not low enough. I should have been relieved but I feel that it is something that I need to keep a eye on. My stroke doctor seems to think that the loading dose can in some cases last over a year. If this had sorted me out and I never ever feel that tiredness again? That is fine with me but I am terrified it will happen again. I didn't only feel unhealthy in body I felt so unhealthy in my mind too. I am trying to eat as healthy as I can and am hoping to try some liquid B12 to see if I can absorb it, I know people say do not take supplements as it will effect your tests but while I am feeling okay I think it is okay to do so. Once I do  purchase some, I will mention it to my doctor too to keep him informed, 

14. A Planner

I am very specific in what I want. 

This is one that I have made myself, I just could not cope without it. I love having the whole month to view then I will transfer the information to my pocket diary which I can carry around with me. I would really like something that I don't have to make myself every month but can be customised to my needs. 

15. A Suitcase

I will be forever haunted by the memory of our suitcase falling apart in a French train station. That was two years ago and I promised myself there and then that I would invest in a decent one. I have not bought one as yet.

16. Bras

I have had to rely on a sports bra since the stroke as it had to be as easy to get on and off as possible. I have measured myself recently and realised that I have no bras in the right size anymore, I woukd really like one black and one white  . Due to being larger in this area a lot of the shops where they sell them relatively cheaper do not got up to my size so I think I will need to look in the sales. 

 

Reasons to be thankful in July

I love this saying! 

I met up with one of my best friends and her children. 

She had bought me a beautiful bracelet 

We enjoyed a few really hot days while the kids were still in school so mum kindly took me and Cerys to the beach one evening. We had our tea there, chippy tea yay. I also had a can of coke, which is one of the few times since having a stroke that I have drank coke, I have always considered it as a "kind of treat" I suppose but right now it is not something that I crave. 

I love this photo as although not obvious I am actually paddling in the sea and I tolerated the coldness of the sea really well. My legs ached that evening, walking on the sand is a great workout. 

This is the first rose I have ever grown. I am so proud and it gives me great joy to look at and smell it. 

My daughter had a particularly good week in school, I can't afford to buy many toys for her at the moment but she had seen a advert for this particular cupcake doll so we agreed if she achieved a certain amount of things that week in school and at home she would get one as a treat. There are a few to collect and at £7.99 each, they are within our grasp. I think they are very pretty too and as my daughter would say "this is a well made toy" I love the way she notices and appreciates things. 

I got to go to this years carnival! Yay! I did not require a wheelchair or a stick. As long as I'm armed with my ankle push up brace, some water and plenty of rests (plus I must admit in the crowds I needed the arm of my Mum or sister on occasions as my brain got a bit overwhelmed) I am fine, I did it! Woohoo! I am so happy that I got to see my daughter walk with her dance group. I'm so grateful to my friend who walked around with her own daughter and Cerys. 

I had been excited for weeks about this day. I had missed it last year because I had been in hospital. I had a image of sitting in the field watching the live music that was provided that day. In my head I did imagine that I sipping cava or pimms but that was not meant to be as no alcohol was allowed. Still very enjoyable though. 

We had a barbecue at Mums! I had been trying to use my selfie stick that I had recently bought but I think I was laughing too much in the end at not being able to work the thing that I just went for the old fashioned use an outstretched arm technique. We finally got some cava and Ceri had made some lovely cava sangria. 

The kids (my nephew, Nieces and daughter) provided the entertainment by putting on various shows for us throughout the evening 

Beautiful day and night :) 

One of Cerys's summer goals is learn how to sew. She was very impressed with mums sampler that she had made while she was in school so mum had very kindly given her some aida and threads and we have made a start on this. :) 

Cerys finished infant school. 

We have a few days out just in the town that we live in. 

I sat in mums garden the other day while looking after Toby dog and admired her lovely garden. I am loving flowers at the moment. 

Me and Cerys are writing a little story, another summer project. Not sure who is enjoying it more to be honest :) 

We went to the local library and she joined the summer reading challenge 2015- "Record Breakers". I am so proud of this girl. Not so long ago I worried about her and didn't think she would ever  enjoy reading but now she does it so well and really does enjoy it. 

I could shout it from the rooftops about how proud I am of her, she has also passed her stage 3 in swimming, again something that at one point I could not see happening. Lots of big changes for her in September and I'm sure she will face lots of new challenges but I feel safe in the knowledge that she is as ready as she can be for them.  She is moving on with her lovely friends which we are hoping to meet up with soon. 

Me having a quick go on Cerys's scooter, not so long ago I was being transported by one of these- 

Which I have to say are amazing but look at how far I have come in a year! My left hand could not even grip on to one of these. I had to physically hold it there with my right hand and now I'm getting to have a quick scooter. Yay. 

My mum took me to The National Botanical Garden Wales. 

It is beautiful. We were lucky with the weather too, it was nice to get my walking done inbetween lots of rests too surrounded by such beauty. 

Cerys has had her ears pierced. She has been asking for a while now. We had said you can when you are seven but thought it was best to do it in the summer holidays as you need to keep the earrings in for six weeks while cleaning twice daily and turning the earring to avoid infection. She is very happy with the result. 

Today is the last day of July and I am looking at back at what I have achieved this month and think maybe I may need to do weekly posts in August as this is getting rather long. 

Mum finished work a little but earlier today and offered to take us off for a few hours. We went to Fishguard which is always beautiful but like everywhere else around here looks even nicer in the sunshine. I went to Fishguard a few days after I got out of hospital. I walked with my stick, worried almost the whole time about not moving too far away from the toilet should I need to go and found the wooden benches far too uncomfortable to sit on. It is amazing to think that such thoughts are not even a concern for me anymore. This is why I have such faith that all will be okay. I I remember thinking that I would never be the same ever again and being devasted. I may not ever be the same ever again but that is fine. I'm improving, life is getting easier and I'm happy. 

We had chips in a place called Somethings cooking. It was lovely and I particularly liked the way Cerys's chips were served- in a mini frying basket. She had one battered and one unbattered sausage with chips while I had a vegetable spring roll and chips which was very enjoyable especially as it was served with soy sauce. I have been craving the taste of soy sauce for a few days. I washed all that down with a glass of rose wine. Delicious. Thank you Mum! And big thanks to everybody who has been a part  of my month of July and to anybody reading this - Thank you! Xxx 

Keep on fighting

I have just walked back (all by myself and in this awful gloomy weather) from the sports centre. I can not make many classes during the school holidays as my daughter will be with me and one of the weeks my sister is home so we are having "a holiday in Pembrokeshire" and I am going to London another week, I will not stop exercising during this time as it is important to keep working at these muscles of mine. I am no expert and I have to write myself a little guide to accompany this chart to remind myself of what each exercise entails. It is important that I have something to follow. I can find a few videos on YouTube and have used parts of various videos but I know I need more work on my left arm and the exercises I do for my leg are to keep it strong rather than improve it although I have no problems if it does improve. :) so I have taken that into account when working out a plan for myself. 

I have included hand exercises (something I must admit that I have neglected as of late) 

This is why It is so important to sit down every few weeks, think of new goals and check where about you are in your achievements. If I used to do hand exercises then my hand wouldn't be able to do much else for the day and as I have  been "trying to live my life as normal as I can", I have found myself using my hand more and more for everyday things but there was a time when I could not exercise and use it. I am only human, I sometimes get it wrong and I had completely forgotten about hand exercises but they are so important as I have had no improvement in the parathesis. I can move it and use it but I can't feel it very well, I get so sick of the constant pins and needles I feel. At first I was relieved to feel it as it is that familiar feeling I have felt all over my body as the sense of feeling to my left side was reappearing but it has been over a year and nothing. Whether it will ever come back fully I do not know but as I am getting that bit stronger in other areas now is the time to fight harder as far as my hand is concerned. 

When I came out of hospital I searched on YouTube for stroke stories and exercises and remember this one lady lifting weights, I thought she was amazing. I could not even grip a weight let alone lift one. At various stages after that, I checked to see if I could do this but it hurt too much and of course there was always the possibility of really hurting my shoulder so I knew I was not strong enough to try. 

About a year after my stroke, I am lifting a small weight above my head and although I can't feel my hand very well, gripping and letting go is not even a slight issue anymore. 

I have even included jog on the spot in my plan. I am not even sure I can call it a jog and I can only do it for a very short time but one day I want to be able to run but this is how far I am right now with regards to running. 

So at this point in time - July 2015, I am enjoying exercising, still fighting and still trying my best to be patient. :) 

My toughest critic

I guess that would be myself. I have been feeling a bit down this week but I did not know why until today as I took a walk home from dropping my daughter at school. I must remember how much I enjoy a morning stroll, it really does me so much good. On reflection, I have been doing too much this week. I have set myself goals that are just not attainable with how tired I get and the fact that I have a weaker left side which feels weaker as I get tired. Hence, my day is normally 7:30 am to 7:00pm and I need to remember if I am expecting to stay up any later than this, then something has got to give in the day.  

I think with the end of summer term approaching all the kids, parents and as I said to my mum last night, grandparents in some cases are tired and very much in need of a break. I know that I am not alone in this feeling but I have felt so very tired this week. I am today, taking a bit of time out to rest. Everything that I need to do is on a list and can get ticked off as and when. I wanted to be finished unpacking by the beginning of the holidays, it's been impossible so I shall carry on with this when Cerys is not with me or has other plans during the holidays. 

I have put up her dolls house, I think it could be better but I put it up the best I can with one fully functional hand it's not easy and there were tears, lots of tears but I did it :) 

It will be moving to the back of the hall when I have cleared the boxes that need unpacking where I intend to have her dolls house, a book shelf and her bean bag. But it is up, it's functional and she is happy with it so that is the main thing. 

I think the weather has brought me down a bit this week too, more so because of the fact that I like routine so I had just got used to sunny day routines so it upset me so much to have to deal with rainy, gloomy days again, what to wear etc and walking in the rain is not so easy as going it when the sun is shining. If you have to have your hood up it is really hard to cross the road. Hurry back sunshine. I don't mind gloominess in winter when you are prepared with the right clothes and outdoor gear, I don't even see the point of putting make up on when it's a horrible day but then when out I don't feel like talking to people because I haven't got make up on!!!  When did life get so complicated? ;) 

So on my walk and my time to reflect I think it has made it clear that although I'm trying so hard to get better and I am improving. I have to remember that my body has been through a lot and I'm still recovering and have a long way to go yet. Silly me, I am doing so well and really am very proud of myself the majority of the time. 

Note to self- you are doing okay 

When inspiration strikes

I think I have finally got to a point in my life where I feel like I have actually lived through a lot of inspirational quotes. I see some and think to myself yes that is what I think everyday but how do you get yourself to the point without going through something awful first?

Life is too short not to -- this is something a lot of us will frequently say. I have always said it but don't feel like I practised it so well. Now I find myself saying it all the time but I truly believe it and I am actually doing the things that I was once too afraid to do because life is too short to worry about what other people think. The fact is most decent people aren't worrying about what you are wearing/ doing but yesterday I did read somebody made a comment online about women being too big to wear short skirts. Perhaps it was said in jest and was a little private joke that he had going on with somebody else. I quickly came off this site as I really wanted to say have you not thought that maybe that lady is trying her best to be brave and one bad comment may mean she will never want to show her legs again or worse still, leave the house again. 

I have not wore shorts for years, not because I hate my legs in fact although not the best legs in the world they are probably one of my better features. I suffer from dry itchy skin and never wanted anybody to see it. In the previous weeks building up to what could possibly be our summer, I have been applying this to my affected areas four times a day. 

It is looking so much better and although not perfect, I can cope with not perfect much better than ever.  I have been wearing my shorts and if anybody should make a comment I shall just tell them "life is too short not to wear shorts if I want too, I am very proud of my legs especially my left leg as it forgot how to walk at one point in my life but here it is walking again. Why would I be ashamed of that? 

This is good too for getting you to feel a bit more summer ready. It is easy to use and just gives a slight sun kissed feel to the skin without having to worry too much about precise application. I did shave my legs and exfoliate with a body scrub first. Shaving my right leg is the hardest for me as my left hand is very weak (I get so upset when people tell me I am not using my left hand enough because if I do something like shave my legs my left hand doesn't want to be bothered again for a little while. You can almost feel it falling asleep. I use my left hand all I can but I must remember that it gets too tired to do everything that my right hand does) 

Love the people who treat you right

The people who messaged me straight after my stroke is significantly more than those who still play a active part in my life now. I am so grateful to these people and so grateful to be given the chance to see who really is there for me in my life.  I shall certainly keep these people close and will always be there for them should they ever need me. 

Everything happens for a reason 

I wish it hadn't happened to me but it has and from this I have decided that something good has to come from it. I am on a journey to make my life the best life it can be, life can not get much better than that. As time goes on and I improve I really do want to help others who have been through similar to myself but I think in order to do that well I need to concentrate on healing myself first. I am pretty sure though that somewhere in the grand scheme of things that having a stroke was some part of a greater plan. I am still very much at the begining of this journey. 

If you get a chance, take it

Obviously within reason I am very much trying to be a yes person. I am sensible enough to realise my limits but I also enjoy to push myself too. I am trying my teach my daughter to do the same as although I may not be mentioning her specifically in all this she is very much in this journey with me too. 

I really would like to get this printed and framed in our house as I think it sums up me and daughter perfectly. In fact, I sat down with her last night telling her this. I promised myself I would never be a pushy mum but it is very hard to get the right balance of encouragement and not pushiness. I watched her swimming yesterday in her school gala. At bedtime I asked her did she think she tried her best at it? Of course her first answer was yes but we talked more and it eventually came out that she felt that she could have done better.  I told her how at my exercise class earlier that day that although I am aiming for something that has not been achieved yet I felt so proud of myself that I knew that I could have not done any better. She went off to school this morning telling me that we both must try our best today. :) 

Nobody said life would be easy

So true, it's not easy so just make the best of it! I think I spent too much of my life constantly waiting for the moment that life would be perfect. The fact is you can have perfect moments so treasure those with all your heart, it's never going to be all perfect. 

Make the most of it and enjoy every moment that you can :) 

Making it easier

The main reason that I don't like rainy days is the fact that I do not like having to wear a coat. 

There has been various reasons over the years as to why I do not like to wear them but at the moment it is because I really struggle with buttons and zips. 

As a child, I loved those days in the playground when we were told we did not have to wear our coats. I remember shouting "freedom" as I probably skipped or ran around.  Then as a teenager/ young adult I detested trying coats on as I always had to buy huge sizes as they never used to fit me very well on the chest area- this is still a problem. 

Today, after not having to wear a coat for a while I really struggled with the zip although I must confess that my arm no longer hurts when I actually put the coat on! Yay. 

Hurry back sunshine. 

This is a drawer in my bedroom, I have a few drawers and cupboards like this, full of things I love but I can not use at the moment. A few days before I left hospital they got me to go to the hospital shop to purchase a magazine. This was so terrifying. I was using a stick with my right hand which was my good side, I didn't know what to do with the stick when I needed my right hand to do something. I remember knocking the stick over and threw my money all over the floor that day but they wanted to show me how different my life was now. I didn't even attempt to take a handbag out with me for a few months after I came out of hospital and relied on my mum to carry my money around for me and for paying for me. As time has gone on, I of course attempted this more and more myself. I found it so hard to start with but I have got to say now I am doing it without a second thought. I have adapted by only using a cross the shoulder bag. 

I use this clutch bag as my purse and keep as fewer cards as possible in this card wallet. I also keep my keys on a lanyard so that I can find them easily plus it is somuch easier being able to hang them around my neck when leaving or arriving back at the house when carrying bags etc. It is working very well for me right now but one day I hope to get back to using my handbags and wallets I have stored away. I always keep my pill box with me. I bought this when I first came out of hospital as it was so hard to actually get any tablets out of the packaging so I would find it easier to do a weeks worth at a time. It is something that I have carried on with although I do find it easier to actually get the tablets out  now but I am used to doing it this way and love routine. My diary and a pen needs to be kept with me too. I really want to get a monthly and weekly view diary planner but as for now I am using a notebook for each month which I keep at home then use a weekly diary which fits in my bag nicely, I would like to invest my time and money into a lovely planner and decorate it pretty but I want to make sure that this is something that I will continue to want to do and love to do first.