Overthinking is necessary

"I will think about or worry about that tomorrow"

Those are words that I can no longer mutter as I have to think everything I do in life through in great detail. It is strange though as I suppose I am living "in the now" more than I ever was and I do make the most of every minute of my life.  I am learning to enjoy the planning process (which is very necessary for my now brain) Now brain - I think I might use that saying more. :) 

When thinking about going to London, I was so excited but along with that came a lot of worry too. There are times when I want someone to come along and just say don't worry about a thing, I will sort it all out for you but I know that is not the right thing to do. I must keep fighting on. I am lucky as whenever I go for days or evenings out I have been with people who care enough for me to ensure I am

picked up and taken home afterwards so I feel safe. 

I of course went to London with people who care about me but knowing I was away from my familiar surroundings and having  to rely on mainly the tube (with some dreaded escalators) and not to be able to just pop to the toilet did scare me. 

I miss those carefree days but they are just not an option for me right now. 

I had a wonderful time and so proud of myself for going but in order to enjoy myself these days involves a lot of planning. 

As I said on my previous post I had searched on the TFL journey planners with the option of avoiding escalators. It's very strange to think I looked for steps to avoid them as for a long time steps were not even an option for me either. 

In order to feel that bit safer again, I did download "city toilet" app into my phone but did not actually end up needing to use this and brought a purse with me filled with coins as knew you had to pay 30p to use some toilets. 

Next post I write will be all about my fabulous time in London but I also want and need to remind myself here of the difficulties that accompany these fun times right now. I then have something to look back on and to compare to as the more time is going on the recovery process is getting less and less obvious to me. It is happening just very slowly compared to what it once was. 

Writing it all down helps with this process. :) 

Pack up your troubles

This time last week I was in the very hot and sunny  London. It has taken me a week to start to feel like I am now back in my reality. 

I had spent a long time looking forward to this trip and at least  two weeks before planning each day and each tube journey/ walk etc, I must admit I almost enjoyed the looking forward as much as the actual trip. 

I love packing and started putting bits together for our trip many weeks before it. I would have loved to have bought new clothes to go but that didn't end up happening. I had planned to travel as light as possible while trying to be covered by any possible weather. My plan was to bring three dresses that would all be okay to wear either bare legged or with tights and that could be worn on their own or with cardigans. When it actually came to trying my dresses on though I had nothing that would cover all weathers so I resorted to my usual trousers with either vest tops, short sleeve tops and cardigans. I didn't want to carry anything that I would not get use of but I ended up having to bring "just in case" items. Cerys was easier as she has dresses and playsuits that can be worn on their own if the weather is nice or can look just as nice with leggings and cardigans if need be. Although I did make a mistake of packing a dress that no longer fits her. I had not noticed how much she has grown. That dress fitted her perfectly at Easter which does not seen so long ago. 

Normally I struggle with the dilemma of what shoes to bring but having a dodgy foot means I only feel totally safe in one pair of shoes so I obviously wore them and had no need to pack any more. Cerys wore her trainers and I packed her sandals just in case she wanted to wear them but she only wore her trainers as they are sensible but still look nice and matched all of her outfits. 

I have bought a backpack and it is just what I wanted. I saw a photo of this on Primarks Instagram a few weeks before I could actually go in and have a look around one. I saw another similar one as I walked in and grabbed it as was not sure if this would still be avaliable, I was so happy when I saw it by the rest of the bags. It cost ten pounds, looks and feels perfect for me. I couldn't stop staring at once I had got it home but did feel that it needed a keyring so I had planned to look for one in London. Very strangely though Cerys had gone for a day out in Tenby with Nanny Lawrence and had bought me back a Purple Heart keyring with a J on it. Perfect. It means so much that she chose it for me. 

Cerys is quite notorious for not wanting to carry her backpacks, we had gone for a day out recently and she had moaned so much about it that I ended up carrying it. She wanted to carry my bag around though so I decided to buy her a more "grown up" bag. 

Partly for her and partly for myself as I didn't want her moaning about carrying it around London. She chose a bag "called Kangol" :) she loved the blue and purple colours and the suede bottom. In fact now she has decided that she would like this to be her school bag. 

I bought a folding walking stick that I can carry with me just incase I feel a bit unsteady or tiredness kicks in. I am normally the one being told to "keep your bag shut and look after your purse and phone" and I must admit my reaction would be "everything is going to be fine, no worries" etc but I felt a bit anxious about this, this time around, I think it's because I have so much more to think about these days for instance carrying a bag while walking. I packed my Oyster card in a inside pocket of the bag and packed my purse and important things in a make up bag and tried to pack plasters, my tablets, body spray in another make up bag. I tried to keep it organised and as easy to access as I could while making it as safe and secure as I could. 

I bought a new notebook (which is looking a bit battered after London) and planned days out and how we could get there. I still had my escalator dramas and noticed that if you use the TFL journey planner for London it does give you an option to tick a box to search for underground stations that avoid escalators.  I of course didn't do a strict plan but wanted to feel as safe as I could so needed to plan what I could. We had some food vouchers so had an idea of where to eat each night and an idea of all the things that we wanted to do. I would normally do this sort of thing but would use a computer. I enjoyed using a notebook and stickers though and will definitely use this method again. 

Then all that was left to do was go and have fun in London :) 

Brain shake up

I wouldn't describe myself as brain damaged but last June my brain was in fact damaged. I have been working so very hard to not let this define the rest of my life. I'm doing pretty well, I have a foot and a hand that no longer work properly but I'm still working on them both and still hopeful that one day they will improve the same way that the rest of my left side of the body has, I get by generally but Sometimes my body and brain likes to give me little reminders that I'm not better yet. 

It was my sister Claire's birthday on 4th August, it landed on the week that we were having our holiday in Pembs. Unfortunately somebody forgot to order the sunshine so our plans for the day were changed. It was all fine though and we decided to have a family day at Mums house. 

Rebecca had asked Mum to help her get flowers for her Mum. So sweet! :) 

It was all going so well until I accidentally forgot that I'm not just a normal person that doesn't need to concentrate on walking etc and went to ask Cerys something. I attempted to get down mums three steps without thinking, lost my footing and landed on my nose. I can only assume that my left side was just not strong enough to hold me after my fall.  After my nose finally stopped bleeding(sorry about your new floor mum ;)) I could feel how swollen my nose and eye was, it was so painful and I spent the next few days taking painkillers and had a lovely black eye. Although my daughter did say it looked the same colour as my make up. I do love a smokey purple eye but I prefer the pain free kind. I did spend the next few days hidden behind sunglasses as it felt too sore to try to cover up with make up. It even felt sore with sunglasses resting on my swollen nose but I preferred to be hidden from the world. Mum had a grab rail installed by her steps when I moved into her house after my hospital discharge. I have been extra careful on the steps ever since my fall.  I am determined not to let it dent my confidence but I would be lying if I said that it did not upset me. 

Hope you had a lovely birthday Claire, I didn't mean to try and steal your limelight ;) 

I have always loved watching Rugby Union. One of my goals having come out of hospital was to watch Wales play live. Ceri and Lexy had tickets for a test match between Wales and Ireland although they did warn that the seats were quite high up.  I must admit that this is something that would have worried me pre-stroke too but I was very nervous as we had her to see a show in Cardiff in high up seats  the night before I had my celebral angiogram, I was so nervous and it did spoil the show a bit for me. 

As we approached the stadium I got that old familiar anxious feeling- not about the actual game but about my height issues. As we started climbing up more and more steps, I  just wanted to cry. Huge thanks to Ceri for literally holding my hand the whole way up.we had arrived at our seats only to face another obstacle, passing people to get to our seats. Thanks so much to my mum and Ceri for holding me along this very narrow path. You made me feel as safe as I could have felt. I was so relieved to make it to the seat and that I was able to look down and actually enjoy the rugby. Luckily as well as sitting by my mum I sat by a lovely girl who I shared a little moment with regarding the fact that we were indeed both welsh even though we were both wearing white tops and would both be cheering for the same team. I loved every minute once there, just a shame that it was not a better game for Wales with a better score. Ireland were the better players that particular day though and I got to see Wales play rugby at the Milennuim Stadium. I have only ever seen wales play in Cardiff Arms Park  many years ago with my Dad. I hope to go back and take Cerys but it would need to be on a lower level. 

I love food but since having a stroke my tastes have changed and I'm still learning what flavours I really like. Yesterday, I had a packet of onion ring crisps and I felt like I was eating chemicals, I presume that was the articial flavourings etc but that is yet another thing to add to my list of things that I long enjoy anymore. 

This, however was gorgeous

We ate in Henry's, Cardiff, it was lovely. I had the hallomi burger. If I remember correctly it was peppers which had been cooked beautifully with a lovely flavouring, hallomi and hummus all served in a seeded roll along with fries and mayonnaise. I am going to try and recreate this at home once I am back from London. 

I had to pop into the doctors earlier this week to pick up a new prescription and sick note. When I came out of hospital I couldn't have even attempted to try and sort this out myself. Every time I have gone lately something seems to have gone wrong but they were both there waiting for me. I walked to the chemist to put my prescription in when I realised that I couldn't tear my prescription off to hand it in. Before frustration kicked in too badly luckily a lady behind the counter noticed and didn't cause too much attention to the fact that I was stuggling, she just sorted it all out for me. I am very grateful. 

I don't know if it us a hard thing for people to talk about but if I mention "my brain" a lot of people can't seem to deal with it. For instance I may mention how I like something now that I didn't before and they may say oh that's because you are getting older and your interests change etc. This may be partly true but I think it's a combination of my brain having a bit of a shake up and the fact that I have been forced to slow down so it had allowed me to notice and appreciate life more. 

I have had some good times lately without any dramas too but I shall talk about them another time as another thing about my brain- it needs lots of rests and one is due now. 

Family and music- things I love the most

The week has arrived. It is time for our "holiday in Pembrokeshire" basically we are having a holiday where we live but the most exciting part is that myself and Cerys get to spend lots of time with my Mum, Sisters, nephew and nieces. 

Ceri arrived home on Sunday 2nd August, we wasted no time and all of us minus Mum who had other plans went to Tenby to enjoy a afternoon and evening of entertainment in Tenby Harbour. 

Ceri, me and Claire

Aunty Ceri and Cerys being photo bombed by Lexy 

Rebecca, Cerys and Danny 

I really enjoyed myself. Was lovely to spend time together.  Watching live bands while enjoying a cold cider is one of my favourite things ever.  There was a lot of sixties music which we know so well because Mum very often over the years has had her type of music blasting out throughout the house and car over the years. I do often think I would have been much more suited to growing up in the sixties and remember while I was in junior school talking to my friends about what music we liked. I really wanted to say I don't like tapes, I like listening to my Mums records but remember thinking that I would look silly if I did. Then I fell in love with Shakin Stevens not so much for his music but based on his looks, Although I did used to listen to his records almost every hour of every day too. I remember thinking that he was the most beautiful man that I had ever seen. 

My mums friends son gave me a poster of him which I hung up next to my bed. 

While My friends all had Michael Jackson posters and would tease me about my Shaky love. 

That same person a few years later and at my request went on to record me tapes of Bon Jovi and Little Angels. I had discovered some newer music that I liked and actually felt a bit cool as I had some tapes now. Eventually I did take notice of more "popular" music too  which did lead to me being told by various people that I couldn't for example like Guns n Roses and Kylie. I had to choose?  I am not sure why it was such a problem for people but it would take me a long time to discover that 

You just like what you like 

Anyway to get back to the point, I loved singing along to the sixties music in Tenby :) 

The kids had fun dancing and playing. Even a rain shower didn't spoil the fun. The evening ended with some lovely fireworks. 

Not even having to walk back to the car after the festivities dampened our spirits. 

We all waited in Lexi's car while Claire and Dave went to bring their car to the kids which was parked a little further away. As well as playing "Truth or Dare" we appear to have played "how many people can you fit in a Polo?" 

Lovely afternoon and evening. I felt very tired the following day but that is to be expected.  I think I coped really well though and feel that this is another achievement. The steep hill down to the harbour which at one point would have terrified me was not a problem. I did for a few hours almost feel like a normal person. :) 

RIP Cilla Black - I will always associate  this day with the sad news that singer and TV celebrity Cilla who has entertained us for many years has passed away.  

A little more conversation please

This flower was given to me by a very good friend when I was in hospital, it gave me so much joy and started so many conversations with passing strangers. 

Over the past few days  I have got stopped twice by people that I do know but have not seen for years. I was greeted with a "it's Jo isn't it?, lovely to see you, what are you doing with yourself these days?" 

It's strange to think how much a job/career can defy us. I really don't like saying I'm not well enough to work right now. It's a good thing that I physically look well but I feel it also makes it harder to explain my current situation.  When I have to explain that I have had a stroke, the first thing I see is  the look of surprise on peoples faces. Almost as if they think it could be a very distasteful joke.

If you know me well or take a particular good look at me there are signs of my stroke still there but to a passing stranger I look like a normal 37 year old. I am

not complaining, this is because I have chosen to fight it and not let it defy me but it gets so awkward. 

I was delighted with the way each conversation went though as thought I  must be starting to look a bit more approachable again. I think spending the last year having to concentrate on walking, avoiding any obstacles like fellow human beings passing me, trying to filter noises all around me etc has not  made myself look particularly friendly or that I want a to engage in a conversation with anybody. 

They will probably never know what a boost those conversations gave me but I shall thank them here anyway.  Hopefully there are many more chatty conversations to come in the near future. 

A pretty good blog?

Thank you You Tube you have been like a friend to me through this whole recovery time. I can get some advice, ideas of how to organise, cook, do my make up and get ideas for what to wear along with watching old sitcoms if I should feel the need. Many people do vlogs which I love. Lately I have noticed a few videos coming up in my subscription box about advice on starting a blog. I originally started writing as when I first came out of hospital I was searching for success stories from other young stroke survivors so I thought if I share my story it may provide a bit of inspiration for somebody else. I didn't know if it would be something that I would enjoy or want to continue doing for too long (and being the type of person who previously would tend to get bored of things after a short while) so I did not want to draw to much attention to it just in case I did in fact give up  but I wrote my first post in November 2014 and am currently finding myself wanting to write on here more and more. It is not a big secret but I have not sent too many people this way and I don't actually know if it is of interest to anybody  or even if it is enjoyable to read. It is helping me though and is fast becoming a favourite hobby of mine and does feel like a dear friend to me. 

The first bit of advice seems to be to make your blog look pretty. I am computer less and I shall be honest in saying I do not really know what this blog looks like. I am still not sure that even if I did have a computer right now that I would even understand how to play around with the layout anyway. This was of no interest to me before but it has got me thinking- one of my next projects will be to make this blog more presentable and be something that I can be very proud of as everything in my life should be the best it can be, pretty and functional.