You can't always get what you want

I would like to be a bit richer, a lot thinner, have an amazing career and own my own house and car but this time of year especially, is when I realise how lucky I really am. 

In 2014 I had a stroke, Didn't want it and I didn't need it and it is certainly not something I will ever look back on with fond memories as it has made my life so difficult but I am lucky, I survived, I am alive and am making a excellent recovery. So therefore, I can accept what has happened to me but there are so many bad things happening all around us to good people which I can not make any sense off.  I feel so lucky that I am giving the chance to live again and I am so determined to live the best life I can.

I have not felt like writing much lately. Life has felt a bit harder as of late. The weather has on occasion made me more or less house bound and I have been so tired.
This time last year I was a lot more reliant on my Mum yet this year I am in my own home, cooking every meal, cleaning etc which I am so proud of but I must remember how important rest is.
Up until my phone broke I was keeping an eye on the weather to plan to get outside on nicer days but this got forgotten about with my lack of technology. Starting today, this is happening again. I can't control my energy levels completely so I can't completely rely on getting out and about if the weather is okay but all this planning certainly helps.

I started waking up naturally at 6am so  I decided to make myself a bit of a schedule to give my day some structure. I didn't make it too strict just gave myself half hour slots with what I should/could be doing during that time. I have found though that even if I wake up at 6am I can not start any jobs until after 9am as I get too tired so I will need to re do this schedule.

Something which is working better is my budget. I am pretty proud of how well I am doing with money. The big day is this Friday when I get to withdraw my Christmas money. I'm sure there are many people who think that is rather late but I needed to make sure I was on target for December and January bills too. Its amazes me how people can have their presents sorted by the summer. I love Christmas shopping in the winter plus my daughter has just wrote her letter to Father Christmas but has not included anything on there that she previously said she would ask for. :)

I wouldn't have recovered so well without my familys support who always amaze me by making my life easier. That is my biggest bit of advice for anyone recovering from a stroke- Make your life as easy as possible.

I am trying to sort something out at the minute which I need to do to help my recovery but despite ringing and leaving messages for this person to call me back I just can not sort it. I just don't have the energy to sort it all out. This is not helping the situation at all but makes me more grateful for those people around me who are always there for me.

I can't wait for the day when I am stronger enough to chase a bit harder for things I really want but my current fight is still taking up far too much energy.

Deliciously warm and sweet

That is how Sophie Kinsella describes the Little Beach Street Bakery by Jenny Colgan, a book that I have recently read and fell utterly in love with. I love to read and luckily having a stroke does not mean that I lost the ability to read but it does mean I now have a brain that does not work as well as it once did and a book that can hold my interest has now become something that I am ever so grateful for.  I tried to read a book not long after having a stroke, I can't help but smile at the thought of me reading the same page over and over again. Partly because I could not take it all in but also it felt like it was the correct thing to do.

I love the description of this book -

"The book is really about being brave; about striking out on your own when everything's against you"

I have spent the last two years not being able to feel like I can connect to anyone else but I felt immediately drawn to this character called Polly.

I read this book by accident because I had mislaid the book I was attempting to read somewhere between Manchester and York. My sister Ceri had lend it to me to make my train journey home go faster and be more enjoyable. It even made sitting right outside the toilet for almost three hours bearable.

There is a lot of talk of bread and other bakery goods which as someone who likes to bake and likes to eat I really enjoyed. 

I loved the part where she realises that she has a wardrobe full of clothes that she no longer wears as she is too busy living her new different life.  I have clothes, shoes and bags that I can no longer wear or enjoy at the moment. I must admit although I can't always dress as I wish (I'm still having to keep things simple) it is refreshing to have fewer choices. I have been researching into the "Capsule Wardrobe" I'm enjoying life being more simple and am really embracing being surrounded by fewer items yet things I really love.

Welcome to my silly life

Bring your foot up 

This was something that was constantly being told to me while I learnt to walk again. How I miss those days of just putting one foot in front of the other.It does get easier and I don't constantly have to keep reminding myself of this but it still requires concentration. 

I am writing this today because after tripping over twice this morning I have forced myself to put my foot up for a few hours. It, along with my brain is obviously in need of a rest today. I can't complain really. It does very well. 

Everything has its place

I have been very busy in the flat this week. I'm finally at a point where I have the energy to do 

my daily cleaning plus tackle a project (mainly unpacking still) each day. For so long I have had to choose between the two which has been hard because I need everything in the right place. This is where I find it hard as often people will say I know how you feel, I do too but I never used to be like this so I am not sure if it is the only way my brain can cope or if I have changed personality. I just have to roll with it I suppose. I'm happy so that is the main thing.



Building Dreams

I managed to tick Legoland off the list.   We had a lovely time and as we managed to get Annual Passes will be back again and have a list of things I would like to go on once I am stronger. I did manage to go on a few rides and enjoyed watching others. 

Cerys made me go on this ride lots of times because it made her laugh as I literally could not stop laughing each time we went on it. I found it uncomfortable but so much fun and I can't say no to that girl :) 

Legoland is lovely and I am looking forward to going back there again one day. 

Super Proud of Super Me

I am one year, 4 months post stroke and today I finally (I say finally as those that know me will know that I have been waiting on this moment for so long. ) I started my Gym programme.

While laying in a hospital bed with a paralysed left side, I can still remember peoples faces when I announced that I would walk again. I know, it was awkward, nobody wanted to get my hopes up too much in case it didn't happen. I had even given myself a date that I wanted to achieve this goal. Looking back I don't know if that was bravery, naivety or stupidity but I did it.  Although the original goal was to walk with a stick up to my daughters Sports s Day. I didn't quite manage this but I had started to walk. This was probably my first example of seeing how much my life was about to change and how much of a fight I still had ahead.

I was walking short distances but I was advised that if I went to the school I would need to see if I could get in and out of a car, then there was the issue of how far could I walk, roads, pavements, other pedestrians. I was so scared anyway by this point plus a wheelchair was mentioned. That was not part of my plan. I wanted to walk in. I also didn't feel I was strong enough to have a few hours out of hospital only to have to go back there again.

So today, I walked to the Gym by myself. I have been on the Treadmill, Bike and did some arm strengthening It felt amazing and I am looking forward to next week already.

I have had a unofficial goal which is to one day run.  I am not brave/naive/stupid enough to set a date but today I am making it a official goal -

One day I will run 

London Wonderful London Part one

It would be so easy for me right now to just hide away from the world and plan things to do once I feel better. I do feel like I am hidden away in some ways because I can't work but I find myself going out more by myself and enjoying chatting to people, something that last year I didn't think I would ever be able to do. I still get a but lost if the conversation involves more than one person but hopefully that will get easier with time too.

I had an amazing time in London recently and am super proud of myself for going on this trip. 

We arrived at London Victoria coach station and made our way across the road and only a short distance away to Victoria Underground station, I managed the steps pretty well and after a straightforward journey on the District Line we soon arrived at our home for the next few days Aldgate East. I always get a bit nervous about finding places from the stations as they normally state head North, East, South or West up a certain street. It would make much more sense to me to label the pavements with the above as it doesn't make any sense in my head. We walked out onto Leman Street and followed the boys who seem to understand these matters more (to those who get confused like me, when you come out of the tube station you are told to head south which to me means head right down Leman Street)  and within a couple of minutes we came across Alfie Street

 and from here we could see the Premier inn 

I love Premier Inns and have stayed a few times in various ones in London and Bristol areas. We had arrived earlier than check in was due to start but would have been happy just to leave our suitcases there at this point but they gave us our room keys and even made a few rearrangements so that we could be fairly close together, in the two rooms that we had booked, The receptionist was lovely and took the time to have a little chat with us too, (my very first proper job was a Hotel Receptionist. I loved it and loved meeting new people and making them feel welcome. I also loved all the admin and organising that came with it.) Danny loved the fact that there were vending machines selling drinks, snacks snd some toiletries.

We very quickly dropped our cases in, freshened up a bit  and headed towards London Bridge. Again this was a simple tube journey on the District Line to Monument with no escalators. 

We didn't immediately see any sign of London Bridge but it wasn't far from the station. 

This here was the main reason for wanting to walk over London Bridge. What a lovely view of Tower Bridge. 

We also saw The Shard. Once over the other side we walked through Borough Market.

Smelling and looking at all the delicious food. I will definitely be back here one day with an empty belly and a purse full of cash. We then found ourselves walking past The Clink 

We didn't actually go into this Museum but have added this to our to do list because Cerys was very intrigued by this.

This was my reason for wanting to visit this part of London. It's not just any old pub but an historical pub. I had pictured myself sitting in the beer garden looking at St a Pauls Catherdral with my glass of wine. 

 Tick :) It felt as good as I had imagined these past few weeks.

Honestly I'm not obsessed with Premier Inns but Premier Inn Southwark is near by this pub so I would love to try that one out next time I am in a London. I fell in love with this area and could quite happily just spend a few days around these small parts. 

We headed back the same way that we had came (spot The Gherkin :) ) 

Danny tried some Egyptian food while the others tried some Hot Dogs 

We then made our way on the District line yet again to Westminister for Cerys to see Big Ben- which was the main reason why she wanted to visit London. We ended up getting separated by here which led to me not swiping my Oyster Card because Ceri was looking after it for me. From that moment on I got a bit braver and kept my Oyster card in my pocket. I would bring a small over the shoulder bag to accompany a backpack next time but you live and learn. I managed to sort out a refund for my mistake on my Oyster card luckily whilst I was there. 

We then walked around to Buckingham Palace 

Then headed down The Mall in search of a Bella Italia as we had a voucher for 25 percent off food there. We went to The Strand. My battery on my phone was low at this point so I have no photos of this. We had the Pane Bella  to start with the Balsamic vinegar and olive oil, I wish you didn't have to choose between this and the Mascarpone and Spinach dip as I enjoy both equally, I followed with the Cannelloni Ricotta which was nice but not something that I would be that excited to try again.

We had then come to the end of a very eventful and jam packed day one and headed back to Aldgate East from Enbankment all ready for our beds. 

Day Two 

I was up pretty early this morning and unpacked our case before we headed for breakfast. We were greeted by such lovely staff who could not have done enough for you.  They offer a wonderful choice of food that would cater for almost Any tastes. 

I really enjoyed my breakfast there each day. Myself, Mum and Cerys had booked to go to Madam Tussards this particular day, our slot was 11:15 to 11:30 so we made our way to Baker Street after breakfast.  A simple tube journey on The Hammersmith and City Line with no escalators and we were had arrived. 

I shall have to abandon this London diary here for now as I started writing it on my phone and knew how to get photos on here very easily but I am now writing on a Chromebook- Thanks so much Claire :) I'm still learning how to use it. My brain is slower than it used to be but I shall get there and I will come back to write London part two when I feel like I can and keep this updated as I miss it but a change such as a swap of a technological device is such a big deal to me and my now brain right now. 

That time of month

Oh I love the two weeks of every month when I am happy and feel like I can conquer the world. I don't do the other two weeks so well. 

I have awful anxiety the week before my period is due to start. It is irrational, I know this but I can not convince my mind otherwise. I am constantly tired and feel as if I could sleep standing up. I have had a particularly hard time this  month and as the pain starting this morning I could literally feel a dark cloud lifting away from me.my mood is good, I almost feel productive as long as I have a hot water bottle and a paracetamol. I am still in the middle of writing about my visit to London, I can only cope with writing about it in short bursts. It will be so worthwhile now when future me can look back and reminisce. 

Life has not been too bad as of late, unlike my bad mood. My sister Claire  has very kindly given me her old chromebook to use which I have to admit I am not using to write this. It is lovely and I will use it to write with very shortly. 

Cerys has started junior school, she loves it very much and it is wonderful to see her looking so very happy. 

I have started following some workouts on YouTube which are not specifically aimed at stroke survivors. If there is anything I can not do, I do my own version but I'm getting quite strong these days and felt the need to push myself a bit more. :) 

I can click my fingers using my left hand, something which I never thought I would be able to do again. My improvements are not always as obvious as they was were but I think that my hand is improving and I am pretty sure that sometimes on rare occasions I don't feel the constant pins and needles anymore. :) it still gets tired very easily after I use it but I will have to put up with that. After all, it had been through a lot this past year.  :) 

Overthinking is necessary

"I will think about or worry about that tomorrow"

Those are words that I can no longer mutter as I have to think everything I do in life through in great detail. It is strange though as I suppose I am living "in the now" more than I ever was and I do make the most of every minute of my life.  I am learning to enjoy the planning process (which is very necessary for my now brain) Now brain - I think I might use that saying more. :) 

When thinking about going to London, I was so excited but along with that came a lot of worry too. There are times when I want someone to come along and just say don't worry about a thing, I will sort it all out for you but I know that is not the right thing to do. I must keep fighting on. I am lucky as whenever I go for days or evenings out I have been with people who care enough for me to ensure I am

picked up and taken home afterwards so I feel safe. 

I of course went to London with people who care about me but knowing I was away from my familiar surroundings and having  to rely on mainly the tube (with some dreaded escalators) and not to be able to just pop to the toilet did scare me. 

I miss those carefree days but they are just not an option for me right now. 

I had a wonderful time and so proud of myself for going but in order to enjoy myself these days involves a lot of planning. 

As I said on my previous post I had searched on the TFL journey planners with the option of avoiding escalators. It's very strange to think I looked for steps to avoid them as for a long time steps were not even an option for me either. 

In order to feel that bit safer again, I did download "city toilet" app into my phone but did not actually end up needing to use this and brought a purse with me filled with coins as knew you had to pay 30p to use some toilets. 

Next post I write will be all about my fabulous time in London but I also want and need to remind myself here of the difficulties that accompany these fun times right now. I then have something to look back on and to compare to as the more time is going on the recovery process is getting less and less obvious to me. It is happening just very slowly compared to what it once was. 

Writing it all down helps with this process. :) 

Pack up your troubles

This time last week I was in the very hot and sunny  London. It has taken me a week to start to feel like I am now back in my reality. 

I had spent a long time looking forward to this trip and at least  two weeks before planning each day and each tube journey/ walk etc, I must admit I almost enjoyed the looking forward as much as the actual trip. 

I love packing and started putting bits together for our trip many weeks before it. I would have loved to have bought new clothes to go but that didn't end up happening. I had planned to travel as light as possible while trying to be covered by any possible weather. My plan was to bring three dresses that would all be okay to wear either bare legged or with tights and that could be worn on their own or with cardigans. When it actually came to trying my dresses on though I had nothing that would cover all weathers so I resorted to my usual trousers with either vest tops, short sleeve tops and cardigans. I didn't want to carry anything that I would not get use of but I ended up having to bring "just in case" items. Cerys was easier as she has dresses and playsuits that can be worn on their own if the weather is nice or can look just as nice with leggings and cardigans if need be. Although I did make a mistake of packing a dress that no longer fits her. I had not noticed how much she has grown. That dress fitted her perfectly at Easter which does not seen so long ago. 

Normally I struggle with the dilemma of what shoes to bring but having a dodgy foot means I only feel totally safe in one pair of shoes so I obviously wore them and had no need to pack any more. Cerys wore her trainers and I packed her sandals just in case she wanted to wear them but she only wore her trainers as they are sensible but still look nice and matched all of her outfits. 

I have bought a backpack and it is just what I wanted. I saw a photo of this on Primarks Instagram a few weeks before I could actually go in and have a look around one. I saw another similar one as I walked in and grabbed it as was not sure if this would still be avaliable, I was so happy when I saw it by the rest of the bags. It cost ten pounds, looks and feels perfect for me. I couldn't stop staring at once I had got it home but did feel that it needed a keyring so I had planned to look for one in London. Very strangely though Cerys had gone for a day out in Tenby with Nanny Lawrence and had bought me back a Purple Heart keyring with a J on it. Perfect. It means so much that she chose it for me. 

Cerys is quite notorious for not wanting to carry her backpacks, we had gone for a day out recently and she had moaned so much about it that I ended up carrying it. She wanted to carry my bag around though so I decided to buy her a more "grown up" bag. 

Partly for her and partly for myself as I didn't want her moaning about carrying it around London. She chose a bag "called Kangol" :) she loved the blue and purple colours and the suede bottom. In fact now she has decided that she would like this to be her school bag. 

I bought a folding walking stick that I can carry with me just incase I feel a bit unsteady or tiredness kicks in. I am normally the one being told to "keep your bag shut and look after your purse and phone" and I must admit my reaction would be "everything is going to be fine, no worries" etc but I felt a bit anxious about this, this time around, I think it's because I have so much more to think about these days for instance carrying a bag while walking. I packed my Oyster card in a inside pocket of the bag and packed my purse and important things in a make up bag and tried to pack plasters, my tablets, body spray in another make up bag. I tried to keep it organised and as easy to access as I could while making it as safe and secure as I could. 

I bought a new notebook (which is looking a bit battered after London) and planned days out and how we could get there. I still had my escalator dramas and noticed that if you use the TFL journey planner for London it does give you an option to tick a box to search for underground stations that avoid escalators.  I of course didn't do a strict plan but wanted to feel as safe as I could so needed to plan what I could. We had some food vouchers so had an idea of where to eat each night and an idea of all the things that we wanted to do. I would normally do this sort of thing but would use a computer. I enjoyed using a notebook and stickers though and will definitely use this method again. 

Then all that was left to do was go and have fun in London :) 

Brain shake up

I wouldn't describe myself as brain damaged but last June my brain was in fact damaged. I have been working so very hard to not let this define the rest of my life. I'm doing pretty well, I have a foot and a hand that no longer work properly but I'm still working on them both and still hopeful that one day they will improve the same way that the rest of my left side of the body has, I get by generally but Sometimes my body and brain likes to give me little reminders that I'm not better yet. 

It was my sister Claire's birthday on 4th August, it landed on the week that we were having our holiday in Pembs. Unfortunately somebody forgot to order the sunshine so our plans for the day were changed. It was all fine though and we decided to have a family day at Mums house. 

Rebecca had asked Mum to help her get flowers for her Mum. So sweet! :) 

It was all going so well until I accidentally forgot that I'm not just a normal person that doesn't need to concentrate on walking etc and went to ask Cerys something. I attempted to get down mums three steps without thinking, lost my footing and landed on my nose. I can only assume that my left side was just not strong enough to hold me after my fall.  After my nose finally stopped bleeding(sorry about your new floor mum ;)) I could feel how swollen my nose and eye was, it was so painful and I spent the next few days taking painkillers and had a lovely black eye. Although my daughter did say it looked the same colour as my make up. I do love a smokey purple eye but I prefer the pain free kind. I did spend the next few days hidden behind sunglasses as it felt too sore to try to cover up with make up. It even felt sore with sunglasses resting on my swollen nose but I preferred to be hidden from the world. Mum had a grab rail installed by her steps when I moved into her house after my hospital discharge. I have been extra careful on the steps ever since my fall.  I am determined not to let it dent my confidence but I would be lying if I said that it did not upset me. 

Hope you had a lovely birthday Claire, I didn't mean to try and steal your limelight ;) 

I have always loved watching Rugby Union. One of my goals having come out of hospital was to watch Wales play live. Ceri and Lexy had tickets for a test match between Wales and Ireland although they did warn that the seats were quite high up.  I must admit that this is something that would have worried me pre-stroke too but I was very nervous as we had her to see a show in Cardiff in high up seats  the night before I had my celebral angiogram, I was so nervous and it did spoil the show a bit for me. 

As we approached the stadium I got that old familiar anxious feeling- not about the actual game but about my height issues. As we started climbing up more and more steps, I  just wanted to cry. Huge thanks to Ceri for literally holding my hand the whole way up.we had arrived at our seats only to face another obstacle, passing people to get to our seats. Thanks so much to my mum and Ceri for holding me along this very narrow path. You made me feel as safe as I could have felt. I was so relieved to make it to the seat and that I was able to look down and actually enjoy the rugby. Luckily as well as sitting by my mum I sat by a lovely girl who I shared a little moment with regarding the fact that we were indeed both welsh even though we were both wearing white tops and would both be cheering for the same team. I loved every minute once there, just a shame that it was not a better game for Wales with a better score. Ireland were the better players that particular day though and I got to see Wales play rugby at the Milennuim Stadium. I have only ever seen wales play in Cardiff Arms Park  many years ago with my Dad. I hope to go back and take Cerys but it would need to be on a lower level. 

I love food but since having a stroke my tastes have changed and I'm still learning what flavours I really like. Yesterday, I had a packet of onion ring crisps and I felt like I was eating chemicals, I presume that was the articial flavourings etc but that is yet another thing to add to my list of things that I long enjoy anymore. 

This, however was gorgeous

We ate in Henry's, Cardiff, it was lovely. I had the hallomi burger. If I remember correctly it was peppers which had been cooked beautifully with a lovely flavouring, hallomi and hummus all served in a seeded roll along with fries and mayonnaise. I am going to try and recreate this at home once I am back from London. 

I had to pop into the doctors earlier this week to pick up a new prescription and sick note. When I came out of hospital I couldn't have even attempted to try and sort this out myself. Every time I have gone lately something seems to have gone wrong but they were both there waiting for me. I walked to the chemist to put my prescription in when I realised that I couldn't tear my prescription off to hand it in. Before frustration kicked in too badly luckily a lady behind the counter noticed and didn't cause too much attention to the fact that I was stuggling, she just sorted it all out for me. I am very grateful. 

I don't know if it us a hard thing for people to talk about but if I mention "my brain" a lot of people can't seem to deal with it. For instance I may mention how I like something now that I didn't before and they may say oh that's because you are getting older and your interests change etc. This may be partly true but I think it's a combination of my brain having a bit of a shake up and the fact that I have been forced to slow down so it had allowed me to notice and appreciate life more. 

I have had some good times lately without any dramas too but I shall talk about them another time as another thing about my brain- it needs lots of rests and one is due now. 

Family and music- things I love the most

The week has arrived. It is time for our "holiday in Pembrokeshire" basically we are having a holiday where we live but the most exciting part is that myself and Cerys get to spend lots of time with my Mum, Sisters, nephew and nieces. 

Ceri arrived home on Sunday 2nd August, we wasted no time and all of us minus Mum who had other plans went to Tenby to enjoy a afternoon and evening of entertainment in Tenby Harbour. 

Ceri, me and Claire

Aunty Ceri and Cerys being photo bombed by Lexy 

Rebecca, Cerys and Danny 

I really enjoyed myself. Was lovely to spend time together.  Watching live bands while enjoying a cold cider is one of my favourite things ever.  There was a lot of sixties music which we know so well because Mum very often over the years has had her type of music blasting out throughout the house and car over the years. I do often think I would have been much more suited to growing up in the sixties and remember while I was in junior school talking to my friends about what music we liked. I really wanted to say I don't like tapes, I like listening to my Mums records but remember thinking that I would look silly if I did. Then I fell in love with Shakin Stevens not so much for his music but based on his looks, Although I did used to listen to his records almost every hour of every day too. I remember thinking that he was the most beautiful man that I had ever seen. 

My mums friends son gave me a poster of him which I hung up next to my bed. 

While My friends all had Michael Jackson posters and would tease me about my Shaky love. 

That same person a few years later and at my request went on to record me tapes of Bon Jovi and Little Angels. I had discovered some newer music that I liked and actually felt a bit cool as I had some tapes now. Eventually I did take notice of more "popular" music too  which did lead to me being told by various people that I couldn't for example like Guns n Roses and Kylie. I had to choose?  I am not sure why it was such a problem for people but it would take me a long time to discover that 

You just like what you like 

Anyway to get back to the point, I loved singing along to the sixties music in Tenby :) 

The kids had fun dancing and playing. Even a rain shower didn't spoil the fun. The evening ended with some lovely fireworks. 

Not even having to walk back to the car after the festivities dampened our spirits. 

We all waited in Lexi's car while Claire and Dave went to bring their car to the kids which was parked a little further away. As well as playing "Truth or Dare" we appear to have played "how many people can you fit in a Polo?" 

Lovely afternoon and evening. I felt very tired the following day but that is to be expected.  I think I coped really well though and feel that this is another achievement. The steep hill down to the harbour which at one point would have terrified me was not a problem. I did for a few hours almost feel like a normal person. :) 

RIP Cilla Black - I will always associate  this day with the sad news that singer and TV celebrity Cilla who has entertained us for many years has passed away.  

A little more conversation please

This flower was given to me by a very good friend when I was in hospital, it gave me so much joy and started so many conversations with passing strangers. 

Over the past few days  I have got stopped twice by people that I do know but have not seen for years. I was greeted with a "it's Jo isn't it?, lovely to see you, what are you doing with yourself these days?" 

It's strange to think how much a job/career can defy us. I really don't like saying I'm not well enough to work right now. It's a good thing that I physically look well but I feel it also makes it harder to explain my current situation.  When I have to explain that I have had a stroke, the first thing I see is  the look of surprise on peoples faces. Almost as if they think it could be a very distasteful joke.

If you know me well or take a particular good look at me there are signs of my stroke still there but to a passing stranger I look like a normal 37 year old. I am

not complaining, this is because I have chosen to fight it and not let it defy me but it gets so awkward. 

I was delighted with the way each conversation went though as thought I  must be starting to look a bit more approachable again. I think spending the last year having to concentrate on walking, avoiding any obstacles like fellow human beings passing me, trying to filter noises all around me etc has not  made myself look particularly friendly or that I want a to engage in a conversation with anybody. 

They will probably never know what a boost those conversations gave me but I shall thank them here anyway.  Hopefully there are many more chatty conversations to come in the near future. 

A pretty good blog?

Thank you You Tube you have been like a friend to me through this whole recovery time. I can get some advice, ideas of how to organise, cook, do my make up and get ideas for what to wear along with watching old sitcoms if I should feel the need. Many people do vlogs which I love. Lately I have noticed a few videos coming up in my subscription box about advice on starting a blog. I originally started writing as when I first came out of hospital I was searching for success stories from other young stroke survivors so I thought if I share my story it may provide a bit of inspiration for somebody else. I didn't know if it would be something that I would enjoy or want to continue doing for too long (and being the type of person who previously would tend to get bored of things after a short while) so I did not want to draw to much attention to it just in case I did in fact give up  but I wrote my first post in November 2014 and am currently finding myself wanting to write on here more and more. It is not a big secret but I have not sent too many people this way and I don't actually know if it is of interest to anybody  or even if it is enjoyable to read. It is helping me though and is fast becoming a favourite hobby of mine and does feel like a dear friend to me. 

The first bit of advice seems to be to make your blog look pretty. I am computer less and I shall be honest in saying I do not really know what this blog looks like. I am still not sure that even if I did have a computer right now that I would even understand how to play around with the layout anyway. This was of no interest to me before but it has got me thinking- one of my next projects will be to make this blog more presentable and be something that I can be very proud of as everything in my life should be the best it can be, pretty and functional. 

My new breast friend

I have a big announcement- I bought a new bra!!! Yay. It is not a sports bra, it is a pretty one.  It is super comfy and most importantly it fits. 

I purchased it in Tesco as they actually sell bras that go up to my size in there!! It was meant to be, we walked towards the clothing section where I immediately saw a huge collection of bras with a big Sale sign next to it. I did not have a huge choice as literally there was one bra in my size in the whole section. 

It is in a cream colour and as I wanted one white and one black basic, I think this basically ticks the boxes for the white one. 

I have struggled so much over the bra issue this last year. With a arm that didn't move and it would hurt if lifted it was so hard to even get one on and off. I sat with my physical therapists in the hospital who I admit became really close friends to me at the time as they were the people who I spent lots of my time with, we discussed bras and I genuinely thought at that point that I would be in sports bras for the rest of my life. I still climb into my bra as opposed to clipping and unclipping it but I manage.

 Very excited about this purchase and I have to say that Tesco has a rather lovely selection of bras in the sale section at the moment and if you are not such a odd size like myself, there is a pretty good chance of grabbing yourself a beautiful bargain. 

Wishing Part one

Life has always got to get harder before it gets easier. I have certainly found that out as late. Money is what is making my life hard right now, I can't work and I do not know when I will be able to again, I do say when not if. I am sure the time will come but recovering from a stroke isn't a easy job and there are no quick fixes. Instead as with the rest if my life, I need to make the most of what I have got. 

My money situation is harder right now because I am trying to make it better so I am going through the harder part and expecting the easier part to follow,  I have made some changes which is making it harder for me right now but it is the for the best, long term. 

I am enjoying window shopping at the moment so I thought why not use a little space here to create a list of things I am wishing for. Which may help me sort out things within my grasp, find cheaper alternatives or realise that I do not actually need them. Anyway I think it will be fun. 

1. A handheld or cordless vacuum cleaner

I struggle with my current one so much, I find it heavy and if I get the cord even slightly tangled I find it really hard to unravel. My left hand tends to hinder rather than help. One of the first times that I watched Mary Poppins, I fell in love with the song "a spoonful of sugar" and particularly the line "in every job that must be done, there is a element of fun, you find the fun and snap the jobs a game" I still believe in this and I do think that you can make anything fun but I am struggling to find anything fun about using a vacuum cleaner lately. 

2. A iron

Mine is not working very well at all so it needs replacing. 

3.  A laptop or notebook 

My current computer is old. I would like a new one for myself and my daughter. It doesn't have to be the most expensive or the most fancy but one that just  works would be brilliant. 

4. A USB stick or something smiliar

So that I can keep a copy of the photos that I have saved on my current computer before  I can get rid of it as it is taken up unnecessary room in the living room. 

5. A portable iphone charger

People panic if they don't hear from me for a while and I also panic myself about being caught out alone with no battery on my phone. 

6. A back pack/ handbag

To bring when on days out as my over the shoulder bag is not big enough to hold a lot. I would like a black leather look one but the ones I really like are far too expensive. 

7. Water bottles

One for me and one for my daughter to bring out and about with us. I don't want to spend a lot but I want them to be pretty and good quality. 

8. Hats

I am not sure if this is necessary anymore as it appears that our summer may be over? If it comes back now which I really hope it does then me and Cerys could do with a sun hat each. I have my eye on a black either wide brimmed hat or a trilby and would like similar for Cerys but that is her choice. 

9. Pyjamas 

This is not an essential but I would like to get me and Cerys a new pair to take to London with us. I really like primark pyjamas but I'm not sure I will even get to one before we leave anyway so this may not happen.

9. A DVD player 

Cerys has a TV in her bedroom but she can not use it for anything so it seems a waste. I would like to get a DVD player for it so that it can actually be used. 

10. A headboard for my bedroom

With a shelf and storage. 

11. A new pair of jeggings

As mine are falling down on me and are not tight enough on the leg.

12. Shoes

I am fed up of always wearing the same shoes but I need ones that are cushioned, my feet don't fall out of and they don't cost too much. 

13. Some Vitamin B12 supplements

When in hospital, the doctors gave me a loading dose of Vitamin B12. After my stroke I obviously was paralysed down my left side but a lot of the time I would be thinking how well I felt. I had spent the months before it with little or no energy, I really struggled. I would do half a day in work then have to go to bed and would regularly say I feel like I need a tonic, I am  convinced that it was the B12 that helped me as all of the symptoms of a defiency made so much sense to me. 

The hospital had mentioned that another dose was due three months later but when I went to the doctors they tested

Me and my levels were not low enough. I should have been relieved but I feel that it is something that I need to keep a eye on. My stroke doctor seems to think that the loading dose can in some cases last over a year. If this had sorted me out and I never ever feel that tiredness again? That is fine with me but I am terrified it will happen again. I didn't only feel unhealthy in body I felt so unhealthy in my mind too. I am trying to eat as healthy as I can and am hoping to try some liquid B12 to see if I can absorb it, I know people say do not take supplements as it will effect your tests but while I am feeling okay I think it is okay to do so. Once I do  purchase some, I will mention it to my doctor too to keep him informed, 

14. A Planner

I am very specific in what I want. 

This is one that I have made myself, I just could not cope without it. I love having the whole month to view then I will transfer the information to my pocket diary which I can carry around with me. I would really like something that I don't have to make myself every month but can be customised to my needs. 

15. A Suitcase

I will be forever haunted by the memory of our suitcase falling apart in a French train station. That was two years ago and I promised myself there and then that I would invest in a decent one. I have not bought one as yet.

16. Bras

I have had to rely on a sports bra since the stroke as it had to be as easy to get on and off as possible. I have measured myself recently and realised that I have no bras in the right size anymore, I woukd really like one black and one white  . Due to being larger in this area a lot of the shops where they sell them relatively cheaper do not got up to my size so I think I will need to look in the sales. 

 

Reasons to be thankful in July

I love this saying! 

I met up with one of my best friends and her children. 

She had bought me a beautiful bracelet 

We enjoyed a few really hot days while the kids were still in school so mum kindly took me and Cerys to the beach one evening. We had our tea there, chippy tea yay. I also had a can of coke, which is one of the few times since having a stroke that I have drank coke, I have always considered it as a "kind of treat" I suppose but right now it is not something that I crave. 

I love this photo as although not obvious I am actually paddling in the sea and I tolerated the coldness of the sea really well. My legs ached that evening, walking on the sand is a great workout. 

This is the first rose I have ever grown. I am so proud and it gives me great joy to look at and smell it. 

My daughter had a particularly good week in school, I can't afford to buy many toys for her at the moment but she had seen a advert for this particular cupcake doll so we agreed if she achieved a certain amount of things that week in school and at home she would get one as a treat. There are a few to collect and at £7.99 each, they are within our grasp. I think they are very pretty too and as my daughter would say "this is a well made toy" I love the way she notices and appreciates things. 

I got to go to this years carnival! Yay! I did not require a wheelchair or a stick. As long as I'm armed with my ankle push up brace, some water and plenty of rests (plus I must admit in the crowds I needed the arm of my Mum or sister on occasions as my brain got a bit overwhelmed) I am fine, I did it! Woohoo! I am so happy that I got to see my daughter walk with her dance group. I'm so grateful to my friend who walked around with her own daughter and Cerys. 

I had been excited for weeks about this day. I had missed it last year because I had been in hospital. I had a image of sitting in the field watching the live music that was provided that day. In my head I did imagine that I sipping cava or pimms but that was not meant to be as no alcohol was allowed. Still very enjoyable though. 

We had a barbecue at Mums! I had been trying to use my selfie stick that I had recently bought but I think I was laughing too much in the end at not being able to work the thing that I just went for the old fashioned use an outstretched arm technique. We finally got some cava and Ceri had made some lovely cava sangria. 

The kids (my nephew, Nieces and daughter) provided the entertainment by putting on various shows for us throughout the evening 

Beautiful day and night :) 

One of Cerys's summer goals is learn how to sew. She was very impressed with mums sampler that she had made while she was in school so mum had very kindly given her some aida and threads and we have made a start on this. :) 

Cerys finished infant school. 

We have a few days out just in the town that we live in. 

I sat in mums garden the other day while looking after Toby dog and admired her lovely garden. I am loving flowers at the moment. 

Me and Cerys are writing a little story, another summer project. Not sure who is enjoying it more to be honest :) 

We went to the local library and she joined the summer reading challenge 2015- "Record Breakers". I am so proud of this girl. Not so long ago I worried about her and didn't think she would ever  enjoy reading but now she does it so well and really does enjoy it. 

I could shout it from the rooftops about how proud I am of her, she has also passed her stage 3 in swimming, again something that at one point I could not see happening. Lots of big changes for her in September and I'm sure she will face lots of new challenges but I feel safe in the knowledge that she is as ready as she can be for them.  She is moving on with her lovely friends which we are hoping to meet up with soon. 

Me having a quick go on Cerys's scooter, not so long ago I was being transported by one of these- 

Which I have to say are amazing but look at how far I have come in a year! My left hand could not even grip on to one of these. I had to physically hold it there with my right hand and now I'm getting to have a quick scooter. Yay. 

My mum took me to The National Botanical Garden Wales. 

It is beautiful. We were lucky with the weather too, it was nice to get my walking done inbetween lots of rests too surrounded by such beauty. 

Cerys has had her ears pierced. She has been asking for a while now. We had said you can when you are seven but thought it was best to do it in the summer holidays as you need to keep the earrings in for six weeks while cleaning twice daily and turning the earring to avoid infection. She is very happy with the result. 

Today is the last day of July and I am looking at back at what I have achieved this month and think maybe I may need to do weekly posts in August as this is getting rather long. 

Mum finished work a little but earlier today and offered to take us off for a few hours. We went to Fishguard which is always beautiful but like everywhere else around here looks even nicer in the sunshine. I went to Fishguard a few days after I got out of hospital. I walked with my stick, worried almost the whole time about not moving too far away from the toilet should I need to go and found the wooden benches far too uncomfortable to sit on. It is amazing to think that such thoughts are not even a concern for me anymore. This is why I have such faith that all will be okay. I I remember thinking that I would never be the same ever again and being devasted. I may not ever be the same ever again but that is fine. I'm improving, life is getting easier and I'm happy. 

We had chips in a place called Somethings cooking. It was lovely and I particularly liked the way Cerys's chips were served- in a mini frying basket. She had one battered and one unbattered sausage with chips while I had a vegetable spring roll and chips which was very enjoyable especially as it was served with soy sauce. I have been craving the taste of soy sauce for a few days. I washed all that down with a glass of rose wine. Delicious. Thank you Mum! And big thanks to everybody who has been a part  of my month of July and to anybody reading this - Thank you! Xxx