Balance, bath time and freedom

Last year I never thought I would be able to actually enjoy a long hot soak in the bath again,Something I have previously always loved to do. When I came out of hospital I wanted to attempt to get in the bath, With the help of my mum I could get in and get out again but once in I could not have the water anything but lukewarm as my left side was now over sensitive, same as having a shower, I could not have it too powerful or too hot. That was one thing that not one person had mentioned or warned me about. I asked a occupational therapist during my visits to outpatients was it normal and she put my mind at rest by explaining that it was my brain getting used to different temperatures. I have not attempted to get in a pool as yet but I am hoping to very soon. I, of course want to try swimming but also I really want to see if I can handle the temperature of the water. 

I had a lovely bath last night and even though I am so grateful to every person who helped me to shower or my mum, getting me in the bath, I don't think I will ever stop feeling thankful for just being able to get in the bath all by myself and shutting the world out for a short while. There are many unpleasant things about a life after a stroke but I hated the fact that during most of my time in hospital which was over a month I did not have a single moment just to myself. That is obviously a much better alternative than being left, helpless on my own of course but to have all your independence and freedom stripped from you is a tough one. People always say to me "you are so strong and brave" I don't feel strong and brave, I took the route which was easier for me. I do not want to be looked after for the rest of my life. I accept any help I am given and will try and fail probably more times than anybody knows but I would rather try once, fail and then ask for or accept help as life after a stroke is difficult and tiring enough, why make it any harder? I know and accept (although of course, I get upset at my body and brain too) that sometimes my body is just not ready. It is all about - 

Giving yourself time to heal

And 

Balance 

I have never been very balanced or the most patient but as well as getting stronger each day I am more balanced and I love balanced me :) 

Taking time out to heal

July 18th 2015 will be one year since I got discharged from hospital after my stroke.my daughter broke up from school that day and I felt so lucky to be able to walk a short distance with my stick to walk to the school gates, something that for the previous months I had not been able to do. This year they break up the day before my discharge anniversary but still perfect timing to begin the next stage of my recovery plan. 

I had planned to take a gap year when Cerys is 18 to visit Africa together. (if she still wants to go with her old mum when she is 18 that is ;) ) 

It was not in my plans to take one right now but it would seem that it has chosen me. Africa is not really a option right now. I am recovering right now and on my own personal journey I intend to embrace this upcoming year. Last year, in the summer holidays I was still quite poorly so these upcoming holidays I want to really enjoy my time with her. I could be working this time next year, who knows?

I am going to try my best to get all those boxes in the house unpacked and the house and garden looking pretty by July 18th. In anticipation of 

My taking time out to heal year 

First priority will be to enjoy the summer holidays with Cerys. 

2. Get on the journey of being super fit. (I have limitations but I can make a start) 

3. Complete a sewing project 

4. Make a memories book 

5. Grow a vegetable 

6. Practise make up on others 

7. Paint a picture

8. Read books/listen to music 

9. Take lots of photos 

10. Write about my experiences 

I am sure there are more things than that but ten is a nice even tidy number so I shall leave it there for now. Along side this obviously I will always be aiming to get stronger and be well. 

When was the last time you had your blood pressure checked?

Everywhere I turned a couple of days ago "stroke" was being mentioned and in particular the fact that it is happening more and more to people of the ages 40 to 50. I am not a medical expert but I did have a stroke at the age of 36. The main concern throughout seems to be that we (by we I shall have to skip a few years and pretend I am 40) all have a high risk of a stroke unless we are mega healthy teetotallers. What struck me is the fact that I know many people who are less healthy than myself 

So why me?

I have never been a person for the what ifs of life. I had a stroke, I can't change what has happened. I have had to deal with it and get on with my recovery. 

Let's talk for a moment about pre stroke me, I was not the healthiest person ever but I was and am a non smoker, I did enjoy a drink of the alcoholic kind, beer or wine rather than spirits, I have been a vegetarian for twenty plus years and although I did not attend a gym or play sport regularly, I did used to walk a lot in my daily routine of getting my daughter to child care and school and to bus stops to get me to and from work. Also having a child keeps you active. I watch many a parent do the fastest sprint they have ever ran in their life chasing their escapee child.  If I was previously a teetotal fitness freak  would it have prevented my stroke? Maybe, but not all of us are that person. Obviously it is a fact that more strokes are happening to people younger and younger and I am so glad that the news and social media are giving this the coverage it deserves. 

Blood Pressure

As a stroke survivor, I would urge all people of any age to get their blood pressure checked regularly, I have high blood pressure which I am now on medication for and must admit in hindsight I wish I had kept a closer eye on this. Unfortunately I have been diagnosed with hereditary hypertension. My blood pressure is now under control with medication. For my own peace of mind I have cut down on salt in my diet, I have lost weight since my stroke through exercise and healthy eating. I must admit though that this has happened without me thinking of myself as being on a "diet" 

If you are reading this, do you know what your blood pressure is? If not, please get it checked. 

I think checking of blood pressure should readily be available to everybody especially with it becoming increasingly difficult to even get a doctors appointment. If we need to tackle people of working age then blood pressure checks should be something that can maybe be carried out in a lunch break for example. 

I have no experience as yet of working after a stroke as I was doing a job that I will call a "get by" job. I did have every intention of studying accounts in the September but I have to admit that my post stroke self does not want to do that! I would really like to do beauty and make up or languages when I am ready to. Medical professionals when talking about my recovery speak in years rather than months or weeks. I don't know, I have exceeded all expectations so far but mentally things are still tough. I do remember when I was extremely poorly in the acute stroke unit one of the nurses, I do not know which one as it is a very blurry memory, asked me what I used to do before I got ill? I thought to myself I am not done yet! Who knows where life will take me but I do know that it can only get better. 

 

You are so lucky

Okay, I am lucky- 

Lucky to be alive, I'm sure most people around me are aware that I know this is true. I can't help but feel a bit hurt when strangers or people I do not so well tell me this and there is a part of me that wants to scream "do you know how hard I have worked and continually work everyday." It's hard going, before I have even accomplished my latest goal I am thinking of the next one that I need to achieve. Anyway, I needed to get that off my chest. 

I wrote the above paragraph yesterday, I was having a bad day for no particular reason but today the world seems a lot better place. 

I wanted to write this blog today on my computer but I have to admit failure on this particular goal. I have spent the last few days, working on the hard drive but it does not want to play and I think it is time to say goodbye. I have been devising myself some sort of budget plan since I last wrote on here and according to that I don't think a new computer will be happening anytime soon. It's not that much of a problem except it affects another one of my goals which is to use my camera more instead of my phone camera. As this is out of my control though, I really need to let that goal go for a while. 

Since my last post I have had a few days out and a evening out for a meal, so I have not done too badly on the socialising front. Luckily I did take photos on my phone as well as the camera so I can record here where I have been. So I am also lucky to be surrounded by such lovely people who look after me and Cerys so well. 

Clerkenhill Adventure Farm

This photo was taken in Clerkenhill adventure farm. My mum very kindly took me and Cerys there for the afternoon recently. She had so much fun here and loved the long tunnels. I loved the fact that I could get down on the floor and photograph her. Getting up again is not quite so easy as it used to be pre stroke but it's all good exercise. 

It is lovely, we only spent a few hours there but we could have spent so much more time there if time had not been against us that particular day. We finished off with a lovely ice cream, something I had been craving for quite a while. 

I know it may be a bit strange to take a photo of a ice cream wrapper but I was sure I would forget the name as I had not seen this particular one before. It was so lovely and may replace the feast as my new favourite.  I will be hunting this one down again. 

Anna's Welsh Zoo

Or what is more commonly refered to by our family as - Manor Park.  We have been going there for days out since me and my sisters were young and have always enjoyed it there. It holds many a good memory and always feels like it was always sunny back then. Think that is a sign of getting old ;) 

We are sure to return here many times over the summer so we have invested in a 2015 Double Bubble Season Pass. I am super excited to see the SiberianTigers when they arrive especially as the animals are so well cared for there.

 A meal out at Martha's Vineyard

What a lovely evening! The food was beautiful and the staff so friendly and attentive. We shared a bottle of wine along with water in between glasses for me. I enjoy having the odd night out, I could not do too many as it has been the norm for me lately to be in bed by seven but this week I have actually been staying up until about ten pm!! Not quite party animal status but worthy news all the same. 

My gym session was cancelled this week so I have been doing weights at home but I did go on a rather long trek with my sister Claire, nephew, nieces, Cerys and my mum. So I have certainly not neglected my exercise. 

Monk Haven 

Cerys went to see Disney on Ice with Daddy and stayed in

a hotel in Cardiff which was very exciting for her and loved telling me all about it. 

Guardians of the Galaxy 

yay, I finally got to see it. I was so excited especially as I had heard lots about the soundtrack. It did not disappoint me. 

Foundation

I am so very excited, now because my left hand has constant pins and needles, I need to keep things I do very simple. Which has meant not bothering with foundation (due to the fact I kept dropping and spilling it everywhere). I did buy a compact foundation but never found it quite the same. Anyway here is the exciting bit- I have used it three times so far with no spills:) 

Before I write my next post, I am hoping to have made a start on arranging Cerys' Birthday celebrations and to

Have cleared the boxes I have left to unpack from my living room and hopefully next time I will remember to mention "maths". There is a reason why but that is all for now! :) 

Present life goals April 2015

On June 5th 2015 it will have been a year since I had the stroke, that is fast approaching and although I am still recovering and not fully healed, I have to say that I am so pleased and have exceeded all expectations so far. A lot of the time I am still just getting by and as much as now and again it does frustrate me, that will do me for now. 

My goals are almost all at that point of really getting back to normal life instead of I want to be able to feel my arm, I now for example would like to be able to go out one night and have a dance. Physically I am able to do some kind of dance (we are by no means taking professional here ;)) but mentally I would just not be able to handle it yet. 

My daughter asked me "when can you drive again?" Another of my goals but again mentally I don't feel anywhere near ready. I am still trying to keep my life as simple as possible because my brain gets so tired, I am sure I will get to a point and it will feel better as things have improved so much for me already and after all it has not even been a year yet since it happened. 

Writing 

It helps me so much to write, something I must admit that I would never have said that I particularly enjoyed but it's so satisfying and feels like a brain workout (without any pain or frustration). I even enjoy writing a email or letter whereas in my life pre stroke I did not have the time so it would always be a rush job. 

I am currently writing this off my iphone but I am hoping to get my computer set up in my flat in the next few days. When I am hoping to use this little space of mine to write to my hearts content. 

Photos

I used to be the type that would see setting up a piece of technology a challenge now at the moment the thought of it makes me want to curl up and cry but I have a camera that needs some attention as I love to take photos at the moment. I think because it's something I can do as I often a feel a bit like I'm a bit of the outsider who can't join in fully with all that is going in around me but I can snap away. 

Ok, so after reading this it would appear I am a pro dancer, writer and photographer??  ;) nah, I'm just getting by. Doing what I can whilst I am healing and unable to work. 

One of my goals is over the next few months and summer holidays is to get one photo of all the places I can get to visit. I started yesterday with a photo of Nolton Haven in Pembrokeshire, which is the beautiful county which I live. 

Hair and skin 

I am also using this time to improve my physical self. Being in hospital for so long, having to have somebody else wash, shower you, do your hair, help clean your teeth is something at the age of then 36 is something I never thought would happen to me. When I think back, how embarrassing but I felt/feel so grateful for those lovely ladies in the hospital who even blow dried my hair for me. I had long hair at the time and could not manage to tie it in a simple pony tail. By the time I came out of hospital my hair and skin did not feel at it's best. It was only around December time though that mentally I felt able to think about this. I decided to get my hair cut to above shoulder length as it was not growing and felt really unhealthy, I had it cut with all the intention of growing it again straight away but I actually really like it and it is in lovely condition. I'm enjoying trying new products and at the same time trying to find a bargain. I can also now get my hair in a ponytail if need be but I love that mainly I can wear it down and with a quick going over of the straightners each time, I am good to go. 

My skin is looking and feeling good too, Although I am still trying to tackle this pore issue on the top of my cheeks. That is my next aim, I have got my eyebrows somewhat as I like them, they could be better but they are so much better than the unruly mess they have been , so I am working my way top to bottom, keeping it simple, affordable yet trying to  look good..../better. 

Clothes

I remember sitting with my physiotherapists and talking to them about clothes and the fact that my arm was not moving at this point made it very hard to dress myself but I have somehow always got by.  Although they did remind me that buttons and zips would be out. I sat there in despair picturing me in jogging bottoms and t shirts every day, I am still avoiding zips and buttons as much as possible. As I can do them with a struggle but it is after all, all about keeping it simple. I enjoy looking for clothes even more now then I did pre stroke. I appreciate and notice fabrics and attention to detail that I never did before and I am very lucky that somebody invented the jegging. No buttons or zips. Yay. I spend my life in my skechers but I feel safe in them and I can walk, first of all  . Not a day goes past where I am not thankful for this. I do look forward to the day when I can wear different shoes for different occasions but for now that is very much a case of window shopping. 

Health and exercise

I am currently completing a 16 week exercise programme once a week which I am really enjoying. I am trying to improve throughout this so I can develop further after this period is over, 

I have lost quite a bit of weight too for the first ever without being on a "diet" . I am very mindful now when it comes to food. I only eat when I am hungry and stop before I become too full. I don't deprive myself of any food but try to keep it in moderation. 

I could really do with losing more weight but I am determined at the moment to just keep focusing on being healthy and hoping that will take care of the weight loss for me. 

I have cut down on caffeine. I don't want to give up anything completely so I am allowing myself a cup of coffee in the morning then switching to herbal tea or water.

I have cut out salt as much as I possibly can and only allow myself crisps every now and again whilst really trying to tell myself to savour it as it is a huge treat. 

Crafting with Cerys

One thing we always loved to do together was crafty things. I am in the process of organising all of her crafty goodies after our move and have to say I am feeling the urge to get crafty again. I know she has missed this but I just could not face it before. We have also started playing cards lately too. 

So at April 2015, that is where I am at. I am looking forward to reading this back at a later date and seeing improvements in all aspects of life. :) 

Moving on

Well, major news.. I have moved into a new downstairs flat with my daughter so I have been very busy with that. It got to the point where it consumed my life. I'm still sorting boxes at my own pace but have got a bit of my "normality" back. I missed a few gym sessions but I am back there now with a determination to get even fitter then pre stroke me. I'm still having to pace myself not just in terms of exercise but in general life. The plus side is that in having to do this I am finding a much more balanced me. Life is by no means perfect but still seeing improvements keeps me strong, happy and positive. The feeling of spring approaching certainly helps too and the fact that I have bought and can wear trousers that are two size smaller than previously. 

My daughter is settling in nicely to our new home too. It really does feel like home already. 

A pretty simple life

Time.....



is a great healer

This is so true yet normally and unfortunately we do not get to witness this happening until one day  we realised that perhaps we do not hurt as much as we once did at one particular point in our life,may that be physically or mentally. I feel so lucky though that I am in a rare position to be witnessing this miracle every few weeks or so as my body and mind continues to recover after my stroke

Remember that time I had a stroke?

I think that is a point I am striving for. It will always be a part of me but I want one day for it to be quite insignificant as opposed to what it feels like to me now- my whole life. We will laugh at those moments that seem like huge problems right now and I will be able to run, jump, dance etc without a care in the world. Okay, maybe not no cares in the world but just to be able to RUN, JUMP and DANCE will be amazing.

TIME to move on

For so long I have dreamed about "getting back to normal" and "feeling like me" again. I have realised though that while feeling like myself is important, I do not want to get back to normal. There is no going back only forward. The things in my life that were important before and still are have obviously just stayed with me throughout- my daughter, my family, my friends and fond memories. As for everything else, it is time to start fresh.

A Cozy, Simple yet pretty, organised, functional, nutritional, healthy life please. :)

So, are you better now?

The photo below is me with my daughter on December 6th 2014, 6 months and 1 day since I had my stroke. This was a very proud moment for me as I managed to walk with her in our towns Lantern Parade before watching Santa turn on the Christmas lights. I did learn to walk again by the time I left the hospital which was July 18th this year but here is where it starts to get complicated as you may think she must be all better now then. I will say, I am very lucky to have good leg strength back in my left leg but my foot is not fully functional yet and  the only way to even come close to explaining how it feels is that it is as if  I have been out in the snow and can't quite get the full feeling back in it  but it is improving daily and  I can't help but feel lucky as earlier this year I could not and did not know if I would ever walk again. I am always so grateful to people who take the time to ask me how I am but it is so complex that I don't really have the time to explain in depth or don't want to bore anyone if they are just asking me out of politeness. So here are the two common questions and how I really would answer. I am hoping to look back on these answers in another 6 months and see how much has changed. 

**How are you?**

I am so pleased to say that I am doing well and please forgive any negativity here but it is necessary -so here comes the negative parts- I find it hard to lift my left arm as it feels like I have a really heavy weight attached to it. Again though it is improving. 

My brain and mind feel full so there is really not much room for anything other than getting better. Whenever I do anything new or am under pressure for time, I have that feeling of sitting an exam,not having enough time to answer the question and the brain goes into panic mode. I am seeing improvement in this too and am genuinely feeling a little more myself each day. I am still the same me inside but there is a lot going on in this brain of mine right now and I do tire quite easily which quite often leads to me slurring my speech- this is the part that upsets me the most and as I have already explained about my foot but along with that and the walking side of things, it has a taken a while but my left arm is now moving more naturally as I walk but I do worry about crossing roads because my pace is slow and also my left shoulder is still quite stiff so I find checking for traffic harder than usual. One of my goals was to be able to do my daughters hair by Christmas and I am pleased to say I can do a basic ponytail albeit not as tidy as I would like. My hand is very similar to my foot, it feels like it is numb with the cold. I can feel my entire left side now which is amazing and for a long time it felt like I had permanent pins and needles in my hand  but now its a feeling of slight numbness. 

**Will you make a full recovery?**

I will answer with a postitve- I am 99.9% percent sure, I have regained all feeling in the left side of my body and am still seeing improvements. I have worked too hard on getting myself better to fail now so at this point,so  I am still here fighting. Forever setting myself new goals and giving myself the biggest congratulations when I achieve them. 

So if you ask how I am and I say I'm okay, it is because I am okay and have come so far that I forget myself about my current struggles. I have got no problem with any questions if people should choose to ask me any as what I have learned from this year is how complex a stroke and stroke recovery can be and would like to raise some awareness if possible. 

I will not shout or get frustrated at you if you try to help me- I promise, so please do not judge me or accuse me of doing too little or too much. I take full responsibility for my recovery and would not put it in jeopardy as it is too precious to me. :) I would not have been able to make such good recovery so far without the help of my family and friends. For example, my Mum- I do not know what I would have done without her these last few months. She helps me with everyday things which means I have more energy to concentrate on recovery or the things I need to do that day. My daughter is amazing, she is the best physio I could ever have and offers me so much encouragement and praise. Finally I need to thank my diary for keeping me organised. This book is never far from my side at the moment and contains much more than important dates and addresses. It also lists my goals, achievements. lists and generally anything that I may forget. 

Right Now, This Is My Life

"Quick, somebody grab her a wheelchair!" could be heard amongst the chaos and the laughter (the laughter being mainly my own).

 I really did not know where to begin my story but I think this is a good place to start as this was the day that the pair of trainers (which symbolised my getting ready to walk out of the hospital, my home for the previous seven weeks) sadly were no more. This was my first time walking in trainers since I had learnt to walk again. I had got almost to end of the corridor when I felt my shoe coming apart.  If anybody reading this can understand the concentration you need whilst you are learning to walk you will know how much of a hazard this could have been, but there was no need to panic as thankfully a wheelchair was promptly bought to me. It was at this moment, I realised that I could walk again and still laugh but just not at the same time. Everything takes time and practise though and things get easier each time I attempt them and I do attempt everything (within reason that is) as although I am certainly not in a race or hurry I do want to get back to normal and hope that one day all this will seem like a small part of my life but as for right now this is my life.

I suppose I should explain how I got myself into a position where I needed to learn how to walk again.  June 5th 2014- that is such a significant day for me. That was the day I had a stroke which shook my world up, along with those close to me.  I was 36 years old when this happened and was the youngest person by far in the hospital ward. I don't know how many times I heard and still keep hearing now "But you are so young..."

Every stroke story is different, my story - I had a bleed to the brain or what is medically referred to as a Right Hemorrhagic Stroke which left me unable to feel or even remember that I had a left side of the body.

Everything at first is all a bit of a blur but there are a few moments that really stand out to me. Firstly my daughter, she had been with me when it happened. Was she okay and would I be able to look after her anymore? My main concern was that I could not feel or move my leg. I remember thinking I WILL walk again as I do not want Cerys, my daughter to have to care for me. She was/is six years old , a time for no worries and to just be a child.  She is also the inspiration for the name of this blog because without a doubt one of the hardest things I went through was being separated from my girl for seven weeks. I missed her so much especially at bed time,  a time for cwtches/cuddles, bed time stories and the time of day when she suddenly used to remember to tell me about a part of her day.

I remember seeing my sister Claire either that evening or the following day and wondering why she was not in London. M y sister was due to take my niece, a massive One Direction fan to see them in Wembley Stadium and I could not understand at the time why she had not gone. I just hope that Rebecca, my niece, gets another opportunity to see them one day as I know how much she was looking forward to going but she never once complained. Once I got out of the hospital, I did write a letter to One Direction or their fan address to explain what had happened and to try to get them to send me autographs for her which I was hoping to give to her for her birthday but  I have not heard back yet as I have heard they are pretty busy boys!

My other sister Ceri had travelled from Newport to see me and after asking her what she was doing at the hospital she had explained how she did not know what sort of state I  would be in... would I be the same person? Could I  talk?  I realised then how lucky I was and how things could have been so much worse. She knew I was still me when I saw her and gave my usual greeting of "Hiya Cer!"

As I have said every stroke story is different, every stroke recovery is different too.

 I am forever grateful to my Mum, my two sisters, my daughter, my nephew and nieces and my brother in law. I would never have got through all of this without you then and what you continue to do for me.

Thank you to every amazing person who sent me a message, a card or who just have taken the time to ask me how I am. I am especially thankful if it was done with a hug but thank you the most to those who are still around now to help and still ask how I am to this day. You are amazing people!

Anyway, here I am five months later still fighting and most importantly still winning. I'm still making goals . I think the biggest one being to do a sponsored run sometime in the future to help raise money for the stroke unit/physiotherapy department in Withybush Hospital, Pembrokeshire as that would be just a small way of saying thanks to such amazing people who took care of me during a very difficult time.  Anyway, this was my little introduction. I hope I did ok.