Can I tell you something

was what my 7 year daughter asked me this morning. To which I replied of course, bracing myself for what she could be about to tell me. "you are so beautiful" was her response. We sat for a while and she told me how well I am looking at the minute and yes the truth is I am feeling very well and I have had the odd occasion as of late when I have felt beautiful something that at quite a few points in my life since my stroke I didn't think would ever be achieveable. Now I'm not saying I'm "model beautiful" at all but to feel beautiful inside is a wonderful feeling.

On June 5th 2016 it will be two years since I had a massive hemorrhagic stroke that left me with a paralysed left side. I have learnt how to walk again, move my arm and hand again, tell the time amongst other things. Things I thought I would only have to learn once in my lifetime.

It is very strange to be at a point now where people are not constantly asking or checking if I am okay. This of course was what I wanted more than anything at one point but it has been strange to let it go. I can't speak for anybody else but my stroke recovery has felt like- one step at a time, grief for what you have lost, fight all you can, celebrate every achievement but grieve your one time stroke issues that you have conquered. Set yourself a new goal.... It really is a complicated business.

I still have left hand and foot parathesis but I don't let it stop me much. There are things I can't do but I prefer to try to concentrate on what I can do. My brain still has its funny moments but if I sleep well, eat well and all that good stuff I find I can manage to stay in control.

My biggest goals have always been and still are -

To complete a run to raise money for the stroke ward that looked after me so well.-  I'm not able to run as yet but I'm getting stronger. I am following a gym plan and throughout the month of May I am making it another goal to get into the gym twice a week every week.

Be fitter than I have ever been - eating well and exercising. Keeping my 80/20 lifestyle up.

and

to help others who have have suffered a stroke themselves. - When I started writing this blog it was with the intention of someday getting to the point of it helping somebody else as when I came out of hospital I like many others wanted to find success stories as as much as I wanted to believe I would get better I did not know if I ever would. I have enjoyed this little blog but it has become more of a personal diary as I have not had the strength in me to help others as was my original goal when I have still had such a major fight on my hands myself.

  I don't want to stop writing but I have decided by June 5th to start a new blog. With the purpose being to hopefully help others, give me a purpose and to give my brain regular work outs.

Thank you to my sisters for always reading my posts and to anybody else who happens to come across this.  Lots of love to you xxxx

Enjoy life

I am loving January. Yes, this is not something that you hear everyday. I'm not enjoying this dreary weather but it is refreshing as a Stroke Survivor person who is constantly setting myself new goals to be surrounded by many others who have also set themselves new goals/ resolutions.  I actually have something in common with most people. Yay.

I seem to be at a stage now where I can separate my goals into Direct stroke goals, Indirect Stroke Goals and just general Life Goals.

My Direct Stroke Goals are of course to both Mentally and Physically recover/improve from my stroke.

My indirect stroke goals which I'm currently working towards are improving my health, being better at managing money, being organised with my time and "stuff".

One of my Life goals is to lose weight and then maintain this weight because

1. I want and need to be as healthy as possible

and

2. If I achieve another life goal (which is to have a good career) and I'm good at managing my money I can buy nice clothes (and shoes- if I achieve my direct stroke goal of recovering enough not to have a strapped up foot that can only manage flats) that I will wear again and again without having to have a "fat" and "thin" wardrobe which will also help me to be organised with "stuff"

Another life goal is to save money but I also really want to go on holiday with all my family.

 Okay, yes I am aware this sounds like I want it all. I have loved or sometimes not loved all of the "advice offered" on how to achieve goals or stick to your New Years Resolutions. I have heard and read over and over again that you really have to want to achieve said goal and yes I agree wholeheartedly. If I had not wanted to recover from my stroke with all my heart I would not have come so far as I have.

I thought my life was over (well at least life as I knew it was over) after my stroke, so I'm going to be healthy, lose weight but life is too short and precious not to eat cake if I want it.

I'm going to try my best to save up for a holiday with my family this year. Yes I could save money for a rainy day first but  life is too short not to enjoy it while you can.

Advice from someone who is not at all qualified to give advice but has set and achieved many a goal since June 2014 is yes, set goals but do not let them  ever stop you from enjoying your life and if you fancy a piece of cake- have it :)

No New years resolutions

I recently came across this photo above and immediately thought that it perfectly summed up my 2015.  I would not go as far as to say I have been "Spiritually awakened" but I can certainly identify with the above.

Goodbye and Thank you 2015

You have been kind. Of course, life is always full of ups and downs and is never plain sailing but overall I have had a fabulous year.

Life after stroke

So, it is one and a half years since my stroke (yes that half a year is of extreme importance), I still have my daily struggles but I am still getting stronger and improving albeit not so obviously as times goes on. I am so so thankful when people stop me and tell me how well I am doing, its not that I need a confidence boost etc but is necessary as I sometimes just can not tell if I am doing well or not. So it really does mean so much for people to take the time out to recognise that I am still on the right path.
I have wrote and said many a time that my dream one day is that the stroke will seem quite insignificant in my life. I struggle with this dream now. I sometimes have days where I barely think about it but it is still always with me and I really don't know whether I will be able to or want to forget all about it.  I still suffer with Neuro fatigue or stroke tired as me and my daughter call it. It is nothing like normal tiredness. I have learnt and am still learning to manage this but its frustrating and can be really annoying to say the least. Its very hard to explain to people too. 
Physically- I am definitely improved. I am constantly trying to improve on this. When I walk, I try to beat my previous time etc. The worst I have felt recently was Christmas shopping. My core muscles ached so much and I just wanted to flop down -(that is the best way that I can describe it).   I can feel myself getting off track here but basically as much as in one day much further down the line I want the stroke to seem like a minor thing, there are days or moments when I feel like I could do with a big sign around me saying "this person has had a stroke,  please treat with care" so that people don't bump me, get cross if I can't get out of their way quick enough or get upset at me for taking the last seat if I need to rest.
My hand and foot are still improving but the progress feels so much slower than it once did.  I feel like I am still "just getting by". Yesterday I picked up a plate with my left hand. My brain was getting messages but I just could not figure out what the problem was. The plate was a bit too hot for my hand to handle but it wasn't until I felt it with my right hand that I understood what was happening. 

Ah, I will get there. I'm not too sure where "there" is but I'm trying to my best to enjoy this journey that I find myself on.

Stroke Related Goals

I am not making New Year Resolutions. I am however constantly giving myself life goals but unfortunately stroke recovery doesn't seem to work in measurements of time so neither can I. I can  jump on the spot and do star jumps so my next aim is to run. I have to laugh when you see or hear people saying "Anybody can run" I have learnt how to walk again but I can not physically run as my left side is still too heavy. I will run one day though I am sure.
I want to be able to feel my hand and foot. I'm using them all I can and am sure one day this will happen.
I want to be able to wear nice shoes and sandals - and not to have to wear my ankle brace to feel safe.

2015 Achievements

I have bought a actual pair of jeans and can do up the buttons and zip myself. They are two dress sizes smaller than pre stroke me and could probably be another size down again if I didn't need them baggier for ease of dressing.  This is amazing, thinking back to that day sat down with my physios telling me I would now have to wear T shirt, jogging bottoms and trainers, Look at how far I have come :)

I go for walks independently.

I find conversations a little easier. I still get a bit too tired to talk sometimes but its better.

Life Goals

Money- Again what I want to achieve won't be attained in a year but I am closer than I was this time last year and intend to be even closer next year.

Diet/Fitness/Health- All improved and still being improved. My actual goal was not to lose weight but I have. I can not tell you how much advice I have been given from people who have lost less weight then myself. I have not taken any of it on board. I don't want to completely give up carbs or survive on juices. I like food- eating and cooking. I am wanting to be healthy for life so for me it is all about moderation. I am stepping this up a bit this year as I would like my weight loss to be a bit more noticeable and I really do want to stay healthy. I also want a flatter tummy. The tummy has been very difficult to exercise this past two years and has left me feeling rather flabby.

2016- I know you won't be easy but lets try and have a good one!

Happy New year!!! xxx

Super Proud of Super Me

I am one year, 4 months post stroke and today I finally (I say finally as those that know me will know that I have been waiting on this moment for so long. ) I started my Gym programme.

While laying in a hospital bed with a paralysed left side, I can still remember peoples faces when I announced that I would walk again. I know, it was awkward, nobody wanted to get my hopes up too much in case it didn't happen. I had even given myself a date that I wanted to achieve this goal. Looking back I don't know if that was bravery, naivety or stupidity but I did it.  Although the original goal was to walk with a stick up to my daughters Sports s Day. I didn't quite manage this but I had started to walk. This was probably my first example of seeing how much my life was about to change and how much of a fight I still had ahead.

I was walking short distances but I was advised that if I went to the school I would need to see if I could get in and out of a car, then there was the issue of how far could I walk, roads, pavements, other pedestrians. I was so scared anyway by this point plus a wheelchair was mentioned. That was not part of my plan. I wanted to walk in. I also didn't feel I was strong enough to have a few hours out of hospital only to have to go back there again.

So today, I walked to the Gym by myself. I have been on the Treadmill, Bike and did some arm strengthening It felt amazing and I am looking forward to next week already.

I have had a unofficial goal which is to one day run.  I am not brave/naive/stupid enough to set a date but today I am making it a official goal -

One day I will run 

Taking time out to heal

July 18th 2015 will be one year since I got discharged from hospital after my stroke.my daughter broke up from school that day and I felt so lucky to be able to walk a short distance with my stick to walk to the school gates, something that for the previous months I had not been able to do. This year they break up the day before my discharge anniversary but still perfect timing to begin the next stage of my recovery plan. 

I had planned to take a gap year when Cerys is 18 to visit Africa together. (if she still wants to go with her old mum when she is 18 that is ;) ) 

It was not in my plans to take one right now but it would seem that it has chosen me. Africa is not really a option right now. I am recovering right now and on my own personal journey I intend to embrace this upcoming year. Last year, in the summer holidays I was still quite poorly so these upcoming holidays I want to really enjoy my time with her. I could be working this time next year, who knows?

I am going to try my best to get all those boxes in the house unpacked and the house and garden looking pretty by July 18th. In anticipation of 

My taking time out to heal year 

First priority will be to enjoy the summer holidays with Cerys. 

2. Get on the journey of being super fit. (I have limitations but I can make a start) 

3. Complete a sewing project 

4. Make a memories book 

5. Grow a vegetable 

6. Practise make up on others 

7. Paint a picture

8. Read books/listen to music 

9. Take lots of photos 

10. Write about my experiences 

I am sure there are more things than that but ten is a nice even tidy number so I shall leave it there for now. Along side this obviously I will always be aiming to get stronger and be well. 

Pausing life

Me exactly one year since I had a stroke, looking a lot better than this time last year :) 

Yay, I have celebrated my one year since my stroke anniversary. I can now say I had a stroke over a year ago which makes it almost sound like a thing of the past. Obviously it is still something that I have to deal with daily but it gives me a glimmer of hope that one day it will be a small part if my life that happened once upon a time. I have been reading lots about strokes and in particular hemorrhagic strokes, the risk of having another stroke is higher during the first year after the stroke, something which scared me when I first came out of hospital but I will not go through that or put my family through that again if I can help it so I have been taking good care of myself and have luckily only encountered one incident where I had a bit of a scare. I think it was because I got a bit carried away enjoying myself to the point that I forget I can not just be that person anymore without remembering to take extra care. I had not drunk enough water throughout the day, probably not forced myself to take enough little rests (even though a lot of the time I don't feel like I need them at the time),I had a few glasses of wine to celebrate my birthday and felt like I had eaten too much in one go. All of those things combined were not a healthy mix and I ended up feeling faint. I was staying at a lovely hotel which my sister had booked for me as a birthday present. My current life consists of goals whether it be stroke related or not. One of my goals was to to stay in a country hotel. Tick. 

Me, my mum and sister at Court Coleman Manor hotel in Bridgend, Wales 

This is more of a true reflection of myself over the past year. Me in my pjs 

with my mum and both sisters celebrating my birthday in April. 

I celebrated my stroke anniversary with my mum, sister and my friend Bridie. I tried to book a meal in The Harbourmaster in the town where I live as I remember my mum saying a while back that she would know I was feeling better if I was asking to go there. It is upstairs, something that I have struggled with this past year. They were fully booked that particular evening so I will attempt to book again to celebrate when I can actually go downwards on a escalator. 

Me recently going upwards on a escalator. Partly achieved goal. 

Anyway I had a meal in a restaurant called Martha's Vineyard instead which was lovely. 

And I did get up the steps to the Harbourmaster after the meal where I enjoyed a small bottle of prosecco. 

I managed to also get down the steps after a stroke and a bottle of prosecco. Not bad going ;) 

I enjoyed a very nice evening of celebration. Tick.

My niece eventually got to see One Direction, one year later than planned (because of me ending up in hospital) 

And my sister Ceri got to celebrate her boyfriends birthday with no phone calls to inform her of bad news. Tick. 

I am so pleased to get over the one year mark and delighted that Rebecca had a lovely time watching One Direction and a little jealous that she got to see Mcbusted. ;) 

I was recently messaging one of my very best friends and she was saying how positive I am. I am not sure where this came from but I just want to write down here what I said incase I forget. 

"when you are forced to pause your life for a while, amazing things can happen" 

Goodbye Paul Anka

Come on arm, just move

Because the brain cells that I used to control my left side had died, I had to learn how to control my arm through new ones. Isn't the brain amazing? It is a hard and exhausting process to go through but obviously so worth it when you start seeing results. I did not see instant results but if I had not listened to my physiotherapists and taken their advice then I would not have been able to do things like my paint my nails yesterday (maybe not as tidy as I would like, but not a bad job) 

Remember 

Is the first advice that I got given. The physios would  ask me where my left hand was and I would not be able to locate it. So I had to remind my brain that it was there. Not a easy task but I was determined to get myself "back to normal"- a ongoing process still. My hand and arm became my little baby and I looked after it and watched it. There was no movement at all in it by this point so I would control it by using my right hand but would always know where it was and keep it in my view as much as I could. 

Let it go

(Let it go) was the next stage. I had remembered it so now was the time to try to start using it again. So many times, I went through the motions of attempting to squeeze a bit of toothpaste out of the tube but very little happening but I was assured that this was helping my brain to remember. I knew it was working really as at this point there was a tiny second where I thought it would be easier just to always use my right hand for everything as my brain hurt so much and I very often ended up in tears. They were not tears of frustration but my mind felt like it was being squeezed. I still get this feeling but it is becoming less and less thankfully.

I would put my arm on a surface and it would be so heavy that while the rest of my body would be getting ready to leave that particular spot, my arm would remain there even though I was attempting to always remember it. That is when I decided to name my arm as it did not feel like it was 100 % part of my body. I have loved the TV series, The Gilmore Girls for years and with the dvd player I was brought into hospital I watched it yet again and was reminded of Paul Anka the dog, so that was it my arm became known to me as Paul Anka. I have too many Lorelais in my life to go for the obvious name as I loved the Gilmore Girls when my daughter was a baby so a lot of her toys were named Lorelai as my daughter used to call girls in general "gilmore girls" bless her.

The next part of life with Paul Anka was pushing. Again like with my whole recovery I have decided to always attempt something more difficult and always have a goal. When I left hospital my arm was moving for me every now and again. I could not pick anything up, big or small but I could hold a satsuma if directly placed in my hand for a a short while.  I could not hold a fork so I ate using my right hand only. I would place the fork in my left hand for a minute or two every meal time (again just reminding my brain). This really does work and I can understand how people think it is easier to give up than fight as it is without a doubt the hardest thing I have ever had to go through but IT IS WORTH IT. That very first time you can pick up a fork and move it in your hand or the time you can move your arm to get the food into your mouth or the moment you eventually get some toothpaste out of the tube- those moments make it all worthwhile.

One day I had to say goodbye Paul Anka, Hello arm. You may be weak and slow but I shall make you strong again. This is a working progress. 

So, are you better now?

The photo below is me with my daughter on December 6th 2014, 6 months and 1 day since I had my stroke. This was a very proud moment for me as I managed to walk with her in our towns Lantern Parade before watching Santa turn on the Christmas lights. I did learn to walk again by the time I left the hospital which was July 18th this year but here is where it starts to get complicated as you may think she must be all better now then. I will say, I am very lucky to have good leg strength back in my left leg but my foot is not fully functional yet and  the only way to even come close to explaining how it feels is that it is as if  I have been out in the snow and can't quite get the full feeling back in it  but it is improving daily and  I can't help but feel lucky as earlier this year I could not and did not know if I would ever walk again. I am always so grateful to people who take the time to ask me how I am but it is so complex that I don't really have the time to explain in depth or don't want to bore anyone if they are just asking me out of politeness. So here are the two common questions and how I really would answer. I am hoping to look back on these answers in another 6 months and see how much has changed. 

**How are you?**

I am so pleased to say that I am doing well and please forgive any negativity here but it is necessary -so here comes the negative parts- I find it hard to lift my left arm as it feels like I have a really heavy weight attached to it. Again though it is improving. 

My brain and mind feel full so there is really not much room for anything other than getting better. Whenever I do anything new or am under pressure for time, I have that feeling of sitting an exam,not having enough time to answer the question and the brain goes into panic mode. I am seeing improvement in this too and am genuinely feeling a little more myself each day. I am still the same me inside but there is a lot going on in this brain of mine right now and I do tire quite easily which quite often leads to me slurring my speech- this is the part that upsets me the most and as I have already explained about my foot but along with that and the walking side of things, it has a taken a while but my left arm is now moving more naturally as I walk but I do worry about crossing roads because my pace is slow and also my left shoulder is still quite stiff so I find checking for traffic harder than usual. One of my goals was to be able to do my daughters hair by Christmas and I am pleased to say I can do a basic ponytail albeit not as tidy as I would like. My hand is very similar to my foot, it feels like it is numb with the cold. I can feel my entire left side now which is amazing and for a long time it felt like I had permanent pins and needles in my hand  but now its a feeling of slight numbness. 

**Will you make a full recovery?**

I will answer with a postitve- I am 99.9% percent sure, I have regained all feeling in the left side of my body and am still seeing improvements. I have worked too hard on getting myself better to fail now so at this point,so  I am still here fighting. Forever setting myself new goals and giving myself the biggest congratulations when I achieve them. 

So if you ask how I am and I say I'm okay, it is because I am okay and have come so far that I forget myself about my current struggles. I have got no problem with any questions if people should choose to ask me any as what I have learned from this year is how complex a stroke and stroke recovery can be and would like to raise some awareness if possible. 

I will not shout or get frustrated at you if you try to help me- I promise, so please do not judge me or accuse me of doing too little or too much. I take full responsibility for my recovery and would not put it in jeopardy as it is too precious to me. :) I would not have been able to make such good recovery so far without the help of my family and friends. For example, my Mum- I do not know what I would have done without her these last few months. She helps me with everyday things which means I have more energy to concentrate on recovery or the things I need to do that day. My daughter is amazing, she is the best physio I could ever have and offers me so much encouragement and praise. Finally I need to thank my diary for keeping me organised. This book is never far from my side at the moment and contains much more than important dates and addresses. It also lists my goals, achievements. lists and generally anything that I may forget.