Goodbye Paul Anka

Come on arm, just move

Because the brain cells that I used to control my left side had died, I had to learn how to control my arm through new ones. Isn't the brain amazing? It is a hard and exhausting process to go through but obviously so worth it when you start seeing results. I did not see instant results but if I had not listened to my physiotherapists and taken their advice then I would not have been able to do things like my paint my nails yesterday (maybe not as tidy as I would like, but not a bad job) 

Remember 

Is the first advice that I got given. The physios would  ask me where my left hand was and I would not be able to locate it. So I had to remind my brain that it was there. Not a easy task but I was determined to get myself "back to normal"- a ongoing process still. My hand and arm became my little baby and I looked after it and watched it. There was no movement at all in it by this point so I would control it by using my right hand but would always know where it was and keep it in my view as much as I could. 

Let it go

(Let it go) was the next stage. I had remembered it so now was the time to try to start using it again. So many times, I went through the motions of attempting to squeeze a bit of toothpaste out of the tube but very little happening but I was assured that this was helping my brain to remember. I knew it was working really as at this point there was a tiny second where I thought it would be easier just to always use my right hand for everything as my brain hurt so much and I very often ended up in tears. They were not tears of frustration but my mind felt like it was being squeezed. I still get this feeling but it is becoming less and less thankfully.

I would put my arm on a surface and it would be so heavy that while the rest of my body would be getting ready to leave that particular spot, my arm would remain there even though I was attempting to always remember it. That is when I decided to name my arm as it did not feel like it was 100 % part of my body. I have loved the TV series, The Gilmore Girls for years and with the dvd player I was brought into hospital I watched it yet again and was reminded of Paul Anka the dog, so that was it my arm became known to me as Paul Anka. I have too many Lorelais in my life to go for the obvious name as I loved the Gilmore Girls when my daughter was a baby so a lot of her toys were named Lorelai as my daughter used to call girls in general "gilmore girls" bless her.

The next part of life with Paul Anka was pushing. Again like with my whole recovery I have decided to always attempt something more difficult and always have a goal. When I left hospital my arm was moving for me every now and again. I could not pick anything up, big or small but I could hold a satsuma if directly placed in my hand for a a short while.  I could not hold a fork so I ate using my right hand only. I would place the fork in my left hand for a minute or two every meal time (again just reminding my brain). This really does work and I can understand how people think it is easier to give up than fight as it is without a doubt the hardest thing I have ever had to go through but IT IS WORTH IT. That very first time you can pick up a fork and move it in your hand or the time you can move your arm to get the food into your mouth or the moment you eventually get some toothpaste out of the tube- those moments make it all worthwhile.

One day I had to say goodbye Paul Anka, Hello arm. You may be weak and slow but I shall make you strong again. This is a working progress. 

So, are you better now?

The photo below is me with my daughter on December 6th 2014, 6 months and 1 day since I had my stroke. This was a very proud moment for me as I managed to walk with her in our towns Lantern Parade before watching Santa turn on the Christmas lights. I did learn to walk again by the time I left the hospital which was July 18th this year but here is where it starts to get complicated as you may think she must be all better now then. I will say, I am very lucky to have good leg strength back in my left leg but my foot is not fully functional yet and  the only way to even come close to explaining how it feels is that it is as if  I have been out in the snow and can't quite get the full feeling back in it  but it is improving daily and  I can't help but feel lucky as earlier this year I could not and did not know if I would ever walk again. I am always so grateful to people who take the time to ask me how I am but it is so complex that I don't really have the time to explain in depth or don't want to bore anyone if they are just asking me out of politeness. So here are the two common questions and how I really would answer. I am hoping to look back on these answers in another 6 months and see how much has changed. 

**How are you?**

I am so pleased to say that I am doing well and please forgive any negativity here but it is necessary -so here comes the negative parts- I find it hard to lift my left arm as it feels like I have a really heavy weight attached to it. Again though it is improving. 

My brain and mind feel full so there is really not much room for anything other than getting better. Whenever I do anything new or am under pressure for time, I have that feeling of sitting an exam,not having enough time to answer the question and the brain goes into panic mode. I am seeing improvement in this too and am genuinely feeling a little more myself each day. I am still the same me inside but there is a lot going on in this brain of mine right now and I do tire quite easily which quite often leads to me slurring my speech- this is the part that upsets me the most and as I have already explained about my foot but along with that and the walking side of things, it has a taken a while but my left arm is now moving more naturally as I walk but I do worry about crossing roads because my pace is slow and also my left shoulder is still quite stiff so I find checking for traffic harder than usual. One of my goals was to be able to do my daughters hair by Christmas and I am pleased to say I can do a basic ponytail albeit not as tidy as I would like. My hand is very similar to my foot, it feels like it is numb with the cold. I can feel my entire left side now which is amazing and for a long time it felt like I had permanent pins and needles in my hand  but now its a feeling of slight numbness. 

**Will you make a full recovery?**

I will answer with a postitve- I am 99.9% percent sure, I have regained all feeling in the left side of my body and am still seeing improvements. I have worked too hard on getting myself better to fail now so at this point,so  I am still here fighting. Forever setting myself new goals and giving myself the biggest congratulations when I achieve them. 

So if you ask how I am and I say I'm okay, it is because I am okay and have come so far that I forget myself about my current struggles. I have got no problem with any questions if people should choose to ask me any as what I have learned from this year is how complex a stroke and stroke recovery can be and would like to raise some awareness if possible. 

I will not shout or get frustrated at you if you try to help me- I promise, so please do not judge me or accuse me of doing too little or too much. I take full responsibility for my recovery and would not put it in jeopardy as it is too precious to me. :) I would not have been able to make such good recovery so far without the help of my family and friends. For example, my Mum- I do not know what I would have done without her these last few months. She helps me with everyday things which means I have more energy to concentrate on recovery or the things I need to do that day. My daughter is amazing, she is the best physio I could ever have and offers me so much encouragement and praise. Finally I need to thank my diary for keeping me organised. This book is never far from my side at the moment and contains much more than important dates and addresses. It also lists my goals, achievements. lists and generally anything that I may forget.