Room in my Mind

As the smell of bacon wafted through to the bedroom as I awoke this morning, I was very vividly transported back to one of our childhood holidays in Butlins. We always stayed in self catering chalets and
 it became a tradition for my Dad to cook a english breakfast each morning to start off our fun filled days.

My Mum was frying the bacon this morning and sadly I did not awake in Butlins and very sadly my  lovely Dad is no longer with us. I woke up so happy though and although I wish he was still here, I am so thankful for all those lovely memories. I have been a vegetarian for about thirteen years now so it is quite ironic for the smell of bacon to make me feel happy. I do not and never have missed eating it or any other meat as it always felt like a chore to eat it.

I am 36 years of age now and obviously it has been a good few years since those holidays and breakfasts. It is not the first time since then that I have smelt a breakfast cooking. So why did it bring those memories back today?

There may not be any reason at all, I suppose I could say that it is just one of those things. To me though it signifies at the very least that my brain is getting better and there is a bit more space up there for things other then concentrating on walking, moving my arm or being able to have enough concentration to engage in a "normal" conversation with people.

I seem to be finally making some progress with this brain filtering thing. 

Not being able to concentrate on walking because somebody walking behind me was talking very loudly etc is luckily getting to be a thing of the past.

A pretty simple life

Time.....



is a great healer

This is so true yet normally and unfortunately we do not get to witness this happening until one day  we realised that perhaps we do not hurt as much as we once did at one particular point in our life,may that be physically or mentally. I feel so lucky though that I am in a rare position to be witnessing this miracle every few weeks or so as my body and mind continues to recover after my stroke

Remember that time I had a stroke?

I think that is a point I am striving for. It will always be a part of me but I want one day for it to be quite insignificant as opposed to what it feels like to me now- my whole life. We will laugh at those moments that seem like huge problems right now and I will be able to run, jump, dance etc without a care in the world. Okay, maybe not no cares in the world but just to be able to RUN, JUMP and DANCE will be amazing.

TIME to move on

For so long I have dreamed about "getting back to normal" and "feeling like me" again. I have realised though that while feeling like myself is important, I do not want to get back to normal. There is no going back only forward. The things in my life that were important before and still are have obviously just stayed with me throughout- my daughter, my family, my friends and fond memories. As for everything else, it is time to start fresh.

A Cozy, Simple yet pretty, organised, functional, nutritional, healthy life please. :)

Goodbye Paul Anka

Come on arm, just move

Because the brain cells that I used to control my left side had died, I had to learn how to control my arm through new ones. Isn't the brain amazing? It is a hard and exhausting process to go through but obviously so worth it when you start seeing results. I did not see instant results but if I had not listened to my physiotherapists and taken their advice then I would not have been able to do things like my paint my nails yesterday (maybe not as tidy as I would like, but not a bad job) 

Remember 

Is the first advice that I got given. The physios would  ask me where my left hand was and I would not be able to locate it. So I had to remind my brain that it was there. Not a easy task but I was determined to get myself "back to normal"- a ongoing process still. My hand and arm became my little baby and I looked after it and watched it. There was no movement at all in it by this point so I would control it by using my right hand but would always know where it was and keep it in my view as much as I could. 

Let it go

(Let it go) was the next stage. I had remembered it so now was the time to try to start using it again. So many times, I went through the motions of attempting to squeeze a bit of toothpaste out of the tube but very little happening but I was assured that this was helping my brain to remember. I knew it was working really as at this point there was a tiny second where I thought it would be easier just to always use my right hand for everything as my brain hurt so much and I very often ended up in tears. They were not tears of frustration but my mind felt like it was being squeezed. I still get this feeling but it is becoming less and less thankfully.

I would put my arm on a surface and it would be so heavy that while the rest of my body would be getting ready to leave that particular spot, my arm would remain there even though I was attempting to always remember it. That is when I decided to name my arm as it did not feel like it was 100 % part of my body. I have loved the TV series, The Gilmore Girls for years and with the dvd player I was brought into hospital I watched it yet again and was reminded of Paul Anka the dog, so that was it my arm became known to me as Paul Anka. I have too many Lorelais in my life to go for the obvious name as I loved the Gilmore Girls when my daughter was a baby so a lot of her toys were named Lorelai as my daughter used to call girls in general "gilmore girls" bless her.

The next part of life with Paul Anka was pushing. Again like with my whole recovery I have decided to always attempt something more difficult and always have a goal. When I left hospital my arm was moving for me every now and again. I could not pick anything up, big or small but I could hold a satsuma if directly placed in my hand for a a short while.  I could not hold a fork so I ate using my right hand only. I would place the fork in my left hand for a minute or two every meal time (again just reminding my brain). This really does work and I can understand how people think it is easier to give up than fight as it is without a doubt the hardest thing I have ever had to go through but IT IS WORTH IT. That very first time you can pick up a fork and move it in your hand or the time you can move your arm to get the food into your mouth or the moment you eventually get some toothpaste out of the tube- those moments make it all worthwhile.

One day I had to say goodbye Paul Anka, Hello arm. You may be weak and slow but I shall make you strong again. This is a working progress. 

So, are you better now?

The photo below is me with my daughter on December 6th 2014, 6 months and 1 day since I had my stroke. This was a very proud moment for me as I managed to walk with her in our towns Lantern Parade before watching Santa turn on the Christmas lights. I did learn to walk again by the time I left the hospital which was July 18th this year but here is where it starts to get complicated as you may think she must be all better now then. I will say, I am very lucky to have good leg strength back in my left leg but my foot is not fully functional yet and  the only way to even come close to explaining how it feels is that it is as if  I have been out in the snow and can't quite get the full feeling back in it  but it is improving daily and  I can't help but feel lucky as earlier this year I could not and did not know if I would ever walk again. I am always so grateful to people who take the time to ask me how I am but it is so complex that I don't really have the time to explain in depth or don't want to bore anyone if they are just asking me out of politeness. So here are the two common questions and how I really would answer. I am hoping to look back on these answers in another 6 months and see how much has changed. 

**How are you?**

I am so pleased to say that I am doing well and please forgive any negativity here but it is necessary -so here comes the negative parts- I find it hard to lift my left arm as it feels like I have a really heavy weight attached to it. Again though it is improving. 

My brain and mind feel full so there is really not much room for anything other than getting better. Whenever I do anything new or am under pressure for time, I have that feeling of sitting an exam,not having enough time to answer the question and the brain goes into panic mode. I am seeing improvement in this too and am genuinely feeling a little more myself each day. I am still the same me inside but there is a lot going on in this brain of mine right now and I do tire quite easily which quite often leads to me slurring my speech- this is the part that upsets me the most and as I have already explained about my foot but along with that and the walking side of things, it has a taken a while but my left arm is now moving more naturally as I walk but I do worry about crossing roads because my pace is slow and also my left shoulder is still quite stiff so I find checking for traffic harder than usual. One of my goals was to be able to do my daughters hair by Christmas and I am pleased to say I can do a basic ponytail albeit not as tidy as I would like. My hand is very similar to my foot, it feels like it is numb with the cold. I can feel my entire left side now which is amazing and for a long time it felt like I had permanent pins and needles in my hand  but now its a feeling of slight numbness. 

**Will you make a full recovery?**

I will answer with a postitve- I am 99.9% percent sure, I have regained all feeling in the left side of my body and am still seeing improvements. I have worked too hard on getting myself better to fail now so at this point,so  I am still here fighting. Forever setting myself new goals and giving myself the biggest congratulations when I achieve them. 

So if you ask how I am and I say I'm okay, it is because I am okay and have come so far that I forget myself about my current struggles. I have got no problem with any questions if people should choose to ask me any as what I have learned from this year is how complex a stroke and stroke recovery can be and would like to raise some awareness if possible. 

I will not shout or get frustrated at you if you try to help me- I promise, so please do not judge me or accuse me of doing too little or too much. I take full responsibility for my recovery and would not put it in jeopardy as it is too precious to me. :) I would not have been able to make such good recovery so far without the help of my family and friends. For example, my Mum- I do not know what I would have done without her these last few months. She helps me with everyday things which means I have more energy to concentrate on recovery or the things I need to do that day. My daughter is amazing, she is the best physio I could ever have and offers me so much encouragement and praise. Finally I need to thank my diary for keeping me organised. This book is never far from my side at the moment and contains much more than important dates and addresses. It also lists my goals, achievements. lists and generally anything that I may forget. 

Right Now, This Is My Life

"Quick, somebody grab her a wheelchair!" could be heard amongst the chaos and the laughter (the laughter being mainly my own).

 I really did not know where to begin my story but I think this is a good place to start as this was the day that the pair of trainers (which symbolised my getting ready to walk out of the hospital, my home for the previous seven weeks) sadly were no more. This was my first time walking in trainers since I had learnt to walk again. I had got almost to end of the corridor when I felt my shoe coming apart.  If anybody reading this can understand the concentration you need whilst you are learning to walk you will know how much of a hazard this could have been, but there was no need to panic as thankfully a wheelchair was promptly bought to me. It was at this moment, I realised that I could walk again and still laugh but just not at the same time. Everything takes time and practise though and things get easier each time I attempt them and I do attempt everything (within reason that is) as although I am certainly not in a race or hurry I do want to get back to normal and hope that one day all this will seem like a small part of my life but as for right now this is my life.

I suppose I should explain how I got myself into a position where I needed to learn how to walk again.  June 5th 2014- that is such a significant day for me. That was the day I had a stroke which shook my world up, along with those close to me.  I was 36 years old when this happened and was the youngest person by far in the hospital ward. I don't know how many times I heard and still keep hearing now "But you are so young..."

Every stroke story is different, my story - I had a bleed to the brain or what is medically referred to as a Right Hemorrhagic Stroke which left me unable to feel or even remember that I had a left side of the body.

Everything at first is all a bit of a blur but there are a few moments that really stand out to me. Firstly my daughter, she had been with me when it happened. Was she okay and would I be able to look after her anymore? My main concern was that I could not feel or move my leg. I remember thinking I WILL walk again as I do not want Cerys, my daughter to have to care for me. She was/is six years old , a time for no worries and to just be a child.  She is also the inspiration for the name of this blog because without a doubt one of the hardest things I went through was being separated from my girl for seven weeks. I missed her so much especially at bed time,  a time for cwtches/cuddles, bed time stories and the time of day when she suddenly used to remember to tell me about a part of her day.

I remember seeing my sister Claire either that evening or the following day and wondering why she was not in London. M y sister was due to take my niece, a massive One Direction fan to see them in Wembley Stadium and I could not understand at the time why she had not gone. I just hope that Rebecca, my niece, gets another opportunity to see them one day as I know how much she was looking forward to going but she never once complained. Once I got out of the hospital, I did write a letter to One Direction or their fan address to explain what had happened and to try to get them to send me autographs for her which I was hoping to give to her for her birthday but  I have not heard back yet as I have heard they are pretty busy boys!

My other sister Ceri had travelled from Newport to see me and after asking her what she was doing at the hospital she had explained how she did not know what sort of state I  would be in... would I be the same person? Could I  talk?  I realised then how lucky I was and how things could have been so much worse. She knew I was still me when I saw her and gave my usual greeting of "Hiya Cer!"

As I have said every stroke story is different, every stroke recovery is different too.

 I am forever grateful to my Mum, my two sisters, my daughter, my nephew and nieces and my brother in law. I would never have got through all of this without you then and what you continue to do for me.

Thank you to every amazing person who sent me a message, a card or who just have taken the time to ask me how I am. I am especially thankful if it was done with a hug but thank you the most to those who are still around now to help and still ask how I am to this day. You are amazing people!

Anyway, here I am five months later still fighting and most importantly still winning. I'm still making goals . I think the biggest one being to do a sponsored run sometime in the future to help raise money for the stroke unit/physiotherapy department in Withybush Hospital, Pembrokeshire as that would be just a small way of saying thanks to such amazing people who took care of me during a very difficult time.  Anyway, this was my little introduction. I hope I did ok.