Reasons to be happy in June

Sometimes it gets a bit much and I have to just take a moment to remember that life is going well and I have many reasons to be grateful. today is one of those days so here are some moments that I am grateful for - 

An afternoon in Scolton Manor! when I was in hospital my sister bought me a copy of "the simple life" magazine. I love that magazine so much. I actually get excited at the thought of looking at a new one. I have not felt like that since "girl", "jackie" or "my Guy". I used to look forward to the day they came out each week. Anyway, this particular issue had a section on wild flowers. I sat and just looked at it for ages, longing for the day that I could get out of hospital and see some actual real life wild flowers. I would say it doesn't get much better than that but stick my gorgeous nephew amongst the wild flowers equals heaven! ;) 

Me and my mum :) I like this photo as I am standing very straight in it and I think I look quite well. It takes quite a lot of effort  to stand tall and feel like I look nice so got to try and capture the moment if it happens. 

This, also happened. Which I thought was so lovely. My friend took me on a picnic to a nearby beach called Sandy Haven. She had packed a basket full of goodies including a small bottle of wine for me. It was a lovely afternoon and we had so much fun. 

The picnic basket :) 

As I had gone out for a meal to celebrate my stroke anniversary I had promised Cerys I would take her out for tea the following Friday. She wanted to take her cousin Rebecca with her. I didn't fly them over to New York unfortunately but did go to an American themed diner. I had a Reeses thick shake which was beautiful! Yum. 

Then Aunty Ceri came home for the weekend and we had a sleepover. 

Along with some singing and dancing! Not the best photo but the best of a bad lot- no offense girls! 

I enjoyed seeing Cerys riding her bike 

And then I shall insert some random photos I have taken over the last two weeks here- 

So this is very true indeed :)- 

Balance, bath time and freedom

Last year I never thought I would be able to actually enjoy a long hot soak in the bath again,Something I have previously always loved to do. When I came out of hospital I wanted to attempt to get in the bath, With the help of my mum I could get in and get out again but once in I could not have the water anything but lukewarm as my left side was now over sensitive, same as having a shower, I could not have it too powerful or too hot. That was one thing that not one person had mentioned or warned me about. I asked a occupational therapist during my visits to outpatients was it normal and she put my mind at rest by explaining that it was my brain getting used to different temperatures. I have not attempted to get in a pool as yet but I am hoping to very soon. I, of course want to try swimming but also I really want to see if I can handle the temperature of the water. 

I had a lovely bath last night and even though I am so grateful to every person who helped me to shower or my mum, getting me in the bath, I don't think I will ever stop feeling thankful for just being able to get in the bath all by myself and shutting the world out for a short while. There are many unpleasant things about a life after a stroke but I hated the fact that during most of my time in hospital which was over a month I did not have a single moment just to myself. That is obviously a much better alternative than being left, helpless on my own of course but to have all your independence and freedom stripped from you is a tough one. People always say to me "you are so strong and brave" I don't feel strong and brave, I took the route which was easier for me. I do not want to be looked after for the rest of my life. I accept any help I am given and will try and fail probably more times than anybody knows but I would rather try once, fail and then ask for or accept help as life after a stroke is difficult and tiring enough, why make it any harder? I know and accept (although of course, I get upset at my body and brain too) that sometimes my body is just not ready. It is all about - 

Giving yourself time to heal

And 

Balance 

I have never been very balanced or the most patient but as well as getting stronger each day I am more balanced and I love balanced me :) 

Taking time out to heal

July 18th 2015 will be one year since I got discharged from hospital after my stroke.my daughter broke up from school that day and I felt so lucky to be able to walk a short distance with my stick to walk to the school gates, something that for the previous months I had not been able to do. This year they break up the day before my discharge anniversary but still perfect timing to begin the next stage of my recovery plan. 

I had planned to take a gap year when Cerys is 18 to visit Africa together. (if she still wants to go with her old mum when she is 18 that is ;) ) 

It was not in my plans to take one right now but it would seem that it has chosen me. Africa is not really a option right now. I am recovering right now and on my own personal journey I intend to embrace this upcoming year. Last year, in the summer holidays I was still quite poorly so these upcoming holidays I want to really enjoy my time with her. I could be working this time next year, who knows?

I am going to try my best to get all those boxes in the house unpacked and the house and garden looking pretty by July 18th. In anticipation of 

My taking time out to heal year 

First priority will be to enjoy the summer holidays with Cerys. 

2. Get on the journey of being super fit. (I have limitations but I can make a start) 

3. Complete a sewing project 

4. Make a memories book 

5. Grow a vegetable 

6. Practise make up on others 

7. Paint a picture

8. Read books/listen to music 

9. Take lots of photos 

10. Write about my experiences 

I am sure there are more things than that but ten is a nice even tidy number so I shall leave it there for now. Along side this obviously I will always be aiming to get stronger and be well. 

Everyday fail

I wish I was one of those "polished" types. There are many other things I want from life but that feels like something I can quietly at least have a chance of achieving right now. I am having a bit of time out of life to heal so why can't I heal and polish? 

I probably very unintentionally give the impression of not caring about such matters. For instance this weekend, I needed to wash my hair but unfortunately the shampoo was left opened and upside down on the bath rack so I went to use it it was empty. My hair not too bad of a state but I did not feel my best. I had woken up with a spot on my chin, luckily this is not a regular occurrence for myself but I along with my normal skincare routine dotted a bit of spot cream on it. I used to get my make up bag out every morning and apply whatever eyeshadow etc I felt like using that day but routine is extremely important to me at the moment and I am very pleased with my "current everyday make up look" I felt okay as I left the house that day in my self. I had taken my daughter to swimming lessons, something which I can not seem to cope with very well as yet. It tires me out so much and I'm not even the one swimming. Talking to my mum later on about this, she did say maybe I am not hydrating myself enough whist in there. Which is a very good point. Next time I go, I'm going to drink plenty of water before I go, I also have to remember to bring water with me. I am hoping to buy a backpack in the next few weeks with enough room for a water bottle for myself and my daughter and all the essentials that we may need on days out over the summer. After swimming, we went to do the weekly shop. While walking in to the shop, Cerys and her dad said to me " you look like you have got a spiders web on your face" I can only imagine that it was the spot cream. How embarrassing! That is the sort of thing that frequently happens to me even though I try so hard to look presentable. :) 

I am in the process of sorting through my wardrobe. I'm at one of those stages where I don't really know what size I am so I have got a few piles of clothes in my bedroom that need trying on to see what fits. I just want rid of clothes that don't fit well or flatter me and would love to go on a shopping spree to buy a few new items but I'm not working at the moment so anything I want to buy needs to be carefully considered. I have a pair of jeggings in a light denim which I wear a lot but they are slightly too big for me on the leg. I would really like a tighter pair with a few rips in. There are other things I need right now though, shoes!! At the moment I have one pair of skechers I wear all the time and a cupboard full of Shoes that at this moment I have no idea if I will ever be able to wear again. I would like a pair of white daps and a pair of sandals that are cushioned and easy to walk in. Also quite equally essential, I need to get measured for a new bra. I again am not sure what size I am right now. I think bra and back pack is the place to start. My daughter luckily has lots of nice summer clothes although I do want to sort her wardrobe out too as we will have sports day and a school concert coming up shortly so a inventory is due. Then of course I will need to start collecting new school uniform and school essentials for the "big" junior school. 

I am really trying to budget. I have so far got a sheet where I write all incomings and outgoings which I look at daily. I would like to by the end of the year have a bit of money in my bank account that is there just in case. I am currently living week to week and I'm doing okay but okay is just not good enough for me anymore. The problem I have right now is no matter what I am facing, I think to myself "if you can beat a stroke and learn to walk again you can do anything" I'm not afraid of failure, everyday I fail at something but occasionally I have those moments when I no longer fail at the thing I have been failing at for weeks or months before. What a great feeling that is! :) 

Lego birthday

I was determined to make my daughters birthday a extra special one the year, through not fault of her own it has not been the easiest times of late. I wanted to achieve this for not only her but to also prove to myself that I could organise a party. Something that I have always loved to do. She originally wanted a lego themed party in a hall with a bouncy castle but everybody of course has the right to have a change of mind and suddenly she wanted to go to Legoland with Mummy. We are aiming to do this in the summer. It will give me a chance to plan, save and get stronger as no doubt she will ask me to do things there that will test me and I am trying really hard to be a "yes" person obviously whilst being sensible, I am making the most of my time at home at the moment and looking out for deals for anything legoland and london related. 

Her actual birthday fell on a weekday and  I am pleased to say I remembered a present, wrapping paper, birthday card, banners and birthday badge. I made her a voucher which entitled her to a lego party (we decided to do a house party with her friends at the weekend) and one trip to legoland and london. I had made the cupcakes for her party so placed some of these in the shape of a 7 for the morning of her birthday. 

We invited Nanny to have birthday breakfast with us

And she had a kindle as her present 

She went off for a day in school, she has never forgotten the first day she ever had her birthday in school, I had packed a cake and a note from me in her lunch box and she had kept mentioning this prior to her birthday. I think I did a pretty good at pretending I was not really listening to her properly and once again she had a note and a cake in her lunch box . She was delighted. 

We went for a birthday tea with Nanny L and Daddy after school and had lots of fun. 

Then at the weekend we got ready for her lego party. 

They played a few games but I did not get any photos of those as I was a bit busy and was also using my phone for music. Spotify is my new best friend. Lego spoon race was great fun. I tried to organise it well but in the end it was a case of "if you have got a spoon in your hand, pick up some lego and run" I think they all enjoyed it. I was pleased that it went so well, pleased that Cerys enjoyed it and so happy that my brain didn't get too tired to cope. The only thing I forgot was napkins which my mum kindly helped me out by plating up pieces of cake while the guests were still at the party. Daddy had provided the alternative to booty bags which were lego sets for the boys and a lego book for the girls. 

We continued the festivities by all gathering at my mums house to watch the Eurovision Song Contest. We had all chosen country's to cheer on and my sister had put in a little kitty for the winner. It did make it so much more fun. What a lovely day :) 

Pausing life

Me exactly one year since I had a stroke, looking a lot better than this time last year :) 

Yay, I have celebrated my one year since my stroke anniversary. I can now say I had a stroke over a year ago which makes it almost sound like a thing of the past. Obviously it is still something that I have to deal with daily but it gives me a glimmer of hope that one day it will be a small part if my life that happened once upon a time. I have been reading lots about strokes and in particular hemorrhagic strokes, the risk of having another stroke is higher during the first year after the stroke, something which scared me when I first came out of hospital but I will not go through that or put my family through that again if I can help it so I have been taking good care of myself and have luckily only encountered one incident where I had a bit of a scare. I think it was because I got a bit carried away enjoying myself to the point that I forget I can not just be that person anymore without remembering to take extra care. I had not drunk enough water throughout the day, probably not forced myself to take enough little rests (even though a lot of the time I don't feel like I need them at the time),I had a few glasses of wine to celebrate my birthday and felt like I had eaten too much in one go. All of those things combined were not a healthy mix and I ended up feeling faint. I was staying at a lovely hotel which my sister had booked for me as a birthday present. My current life consists of goals whether it be stroke related or not. One of my goals was to to stay in a country hotel. Tick. 

Me, my mum and sister at Court Coleman Manor hotel in Bridgend, Wales 

This is more of a true reflection of myself over the past year. Me in my pjs 

with my mum and both sisters celebrating my birthday in April. 

I celebrated my stroke anniversary with my mum, sister and my friend Bridie. I tried to book a meal in The Harbourmaster in the town where I live as I remember my mum saying a while back that she would know I was feeling better if I was asking to go there. It is upstairs, something that I have struggled with this past year. They were fully booked that particular evening so I will attempt to book again to celebrate when I can actually go downwards on a escalator. 

Me recently going upwards on a escalator. Partly achieved goal. 

Anyway I had a meal in a restaurant called Martha's Vineyard instead which was lovely. 

And I did get up the steps to the Harbourmaster after the meal where I enjoyed a small bottle of prosecco. 

I managed to also get down the steps after a stroke and a bottle of prosecco. Not bad going ;) 

I enjoyed a very nice evening of celebration. Tick.

My niece eventually got to see One Direction, one year later than planned (because of me ending up in hospital) 

And my sister Ceri got to celebrate her boyfriends birthday with no phone calls to inform her of bad news. Tick. 

I am so pleased to get over the one year mark and delighted that Rebecca had a lovely time watching One Direction and a little jealous that she got to see Mcbusted. ;) 

I was recently messaging one of my very best friends and she was saying how positive I am. I am not sure where this came from but I just want to write down here what I said incase I forget. 

"when you are forced to pause your life for a while, amazing things can happen" 

You are so lucky

Okay, I am lucky- 

Lucky to be alive, I'm sure most people around me are aware that I know this is true. I can't help but feel a bit hurt when strangers or people I do not so well tell me this and there is a part of me that wants to scream "do you know how hard I have worked and continually work everyday." It's hard going, before I have even accomplished my latest goal I am thinking of the next one that I need to achieve. Anyway, I needed to get that off my chest. 

I wrote the above paragraph yesterday, I was having a bad day for no particular reason but today the world seems a lot better place. 

I wanted to write this blog today on my computer but I have to admit failure on this particular goal. I have spent the last few days, working on the hard drive but it does not want to play and I think it is time to say goodbye. I have been devising myself some sort of budget plan since I last wrote on here and according to that I don't think a new computer will be happening anytime soon. It's not that much of a problem except it affects another one of my goals which is to use my camera more instead of my phone camera. As this is out of my control though, I really need to let that goal go for a while. 

Since my last post I have had a few days out and a evening out for a meal, so I have not done too badly on the socialising front. Luckily I did take photos on my phone as well as the camera so I can record here where I have been. So I am also lucky to be surrounded by such lovely people who look after me and Cerys so well. 

Clerkenhill Adventure Farm

This photo was taken in Clerkenhill adventure farm. My mum very kindly took me and Cerys there for the afternoon recently. She had so much fun here and loved the long tunnels. I loved the fact that I could get down on the floor and photograph her. Getting up again is not quite so easy as it used to be pre stroke but it's all good exercise. 

It is lovely, we only spent a few hours there but we could have spent so much more time there if time had not been against us that particular day. We finished off with a lovely ice cream, something I had been craving for quite a while. 

I know it may be a bit strange to take a photo of a ice cream wrapper but I was sure I would forget the name as I had not seen this particular one before. It was so lovely and may replace the feast as my new favourite.  I will be hunting this one down again. 

Anna's Welsh Zoo

Or what is more commonly refered to by our family as - Manor Park.  We have been going there for days out since me and my sisters were young and have always enjoyed it there. It holds many a good memory and always feels like it was always sunny back then. Think that is a sign of getting old ;) 

We are sure to return here many times over the summer so we have invested in a 2015 Double Bubble Season Pass. I am super excited to see the SiberianTigers when they arrive especially as the animals are so well cared for there.

 A meal out at Martha's Vineyard

What a lovely evening! The food was beautiful and the staff so friendly and attentive. We shared a bottle of wine along with water in between glasses for me. I enjoy having the odd night out, I could not do too many as it has been the norm for me lately to be in bed by seven but this week I have actually been staying up until about ten pm!! Not quite party animal status but worthy news all the same. 

My gym session was cancelled this week so I have been doing weights at home but I did go on a rather long trek with my sister Claire, nephew, nieces, Cerys and my mum. So I have certainly not neglected my exercise. 

Monk Haven 

Cerys went to see Disney on Ice with Daddy and stayed in

a hotel in Cardiff which was very exciting for her and loved telling me all about it. 

Guardians of the Galaxy 

yay, I finally got to see it. I was so excited especially as I had heard lots about the soundtrack. It did not disappoint me. 

Foundation

I am so very excited, now because my left hand has constant pins and needles, I need to keep things I do very simple. Which has meant not bothering with foundation (due to the fact I kept dropping and spilling it everywhere). I did buy a compact foundation but never found it quite the same. Anyway here is the exciting bit- I have used it three times so far with no spills:) 

Before I write my next post, I am hoping to have made a start on arranging Cerys' Birthday celebrations and to

Have cleared the boxes I have left to unpack from my living room and hopefully next time I will remember to mention "maths". There is a reason why but that is all for now! :) 

Beautiful sunset, colourful life

I was lucky enough to witness this beautiful sunset this week. Thanks to some lovely friends who took me out for the evening. It is amazing to think that this is about a 20 minute drive from where I live. I feel very lucky especially when we do actually get to see these lovely views with the sun shining. 

Although I would not have been able to get down on to the beach due to the steep steps, the view from the cliff is just amazing. I am hoping to see a few more sunsets over the next few months, with possibly a lovely spring and summer. I was in hospital last year for all of June and half of July when the weather was beautiful. I used to see people coming into the hospital looking bronzed and smelling of suntan lotion. I used to admire their summer clothes while I was in my uniform of jogging bottoms and baggy t shirts each day, 

Although we can not rely on the weather I intend to make the most of each nice day that I can, because I can. 

During this time, I used to close my eyes and see really bright, beautiful images in my head that at the time I did think I may want to paint  (I am not a painter/artist) but since coming out of hospital I think my brain got so full, relearning and recovering that these images all became quite grey and I had a sudden obsession with grey, wanting to be surrounded by it and to wear it all the time. I still do have a fondness for grey but my life is starting to get all of it's colour back now and they are being reintroduced into my quite colourful life. 

Present life goals April 2015

On June 5th 2015 it will have been a year since I had the stroke, that is fast approaching and although I am still recovering and not fully healed, I have to say that I am so pleased and have exceeded all expectations so far. A lot of the time I am still just getting by and as much as now and again it does frustrate me, that will do me for now. 

My goals are almost all at that point of really getting back to normal life instead of I want to be able to feel my arm, I now for example would like to be able to go out one night and have a dance. Physically I am able to do some kind of dance (we are by no means taking professional here ;)) but mentally I would just not be able to handle it yet. 

My daughter asked me "when can you drive again?" Another of my goals but again mentally I don't feel anywhere near ready. I am still trying to keep my life as simple as possible because my brain gets so tired, I am sure I will get to a point and it will feel better as things have improved so much for me already and after all it has not even been a year yet since it happened. 

Writing 

It helps me so much to write, something I must admit that I would never have said that I particularly enjoyed but it's so satisfying and feels like a brain workout (without any pain or frustration). I even enjoy writing a email or letter whereas in my life pre stroke I did not have the time so it would always be a rush job. 

I am currently writing this off my iphone but I am hoping to get my computer set up in my flat in the next few days. When I am hoping to use this little space of mine to write to my hearts content. 

Photos

I used to be the type that would see setting up a piece of technology a challenge now at the moment the thought of it makes me want to curl up and cry but I have a camera that needs some attention as I love to take photos at the moment. I think because it's something I can do as I often a feel a bit like I'm a bit of the outsider who can't join in fully with all that is going in around me but I can snap away. 

Ok, so after reading this it would appear I am a pro dancer, writer and photographer??  ;) nah, I'm just getting by. Doing what I can whilst I am healing and unable to work. 

One of my goals is over the next few months and summer holidays is to get one photo of all the places I can get to visit. I started yesterday with a photo of Nolton Haven in Pembrokeshire, which is the beautiful county which I live. 

Hair and skin 

I am also using this time to improve my physical self. Being in hospital for so long, having to have somebody else wash, shower you, do your hair, help clean your teeth is something at the age of then 36 is something I never thought would happen to me. When I think back, how embarrassing but I felt/feel so grateful for those lovely ladies in the hospital who even blow dried my hair for me. I had long hair at the time and could not manage to tie it in a simple pony tail. By the time I came out of hospital my hair and skin did not feel at it's best. It was only around December time though that mentally I felt able to think about this. I decided to get my hair cut to above shoulder length as it was not growing and felt really unhealthy, I had it cut with all the intention of growing it again straight away but I actually really like it and it is in lovely condition. I'm enjoying trying new products and at the same time trying to find a bargain. I can also now get my hair in a ponytail if need be but I love that mainly I can wear it down and with a quick going over of the straightners each time, I am good to go. 

My skin is looking and feeling good too, Although I am still trying to tackle this pore issue on the top of my cheeks. That is my next aim, I have got my eyebrows somewhat as I like them, they could be better but they are so much better than the unruly mess they have been , so I am working my way top to bottom, keeping it simple, affordable yet trying to  look good..../better. 

Clothes

I remember sitting with my physiotherapists and talking to them about clothes and the fact that my arm was not moving at this point made it very hard to dress myself but I have somehow always got by.  Although they did remind me that buttons and zips would be out. I sat there in despair picturing me in jogging bottoms and t shirts every day, I am still avoiding zips and buttons as much as possible. As I can do them with a struggle but it is after all, all about keeping it simple. I enjoy looking for clothes even more now then I did pre stroke. I appreciate and notice fabrics and attention to detail that I never did before and I am very lucky that somebody invented the jegging. No buttons or zips. Yay. I spend my life in my skechers but I feel safe in them and I can walk, first of all  . Not a day goes past where I am not thankful for this. I do look forward to the day when I can wear different shoes for different occasions but for now that is very much a case of window shopping. 

Health and exercise

I am currently completing a 16 week exercise programme once a week which I am really enjoying. I am trying to improve throughout this so I can develop further after this period is over, 

I have lost quite a bit of weight too for the first ever without being on a "diet" . I am very mindful now when it comes to food. I only eat when I am hungry and stop before I become too full. I don't deprive myself of any food but try to keep it in moderation. 

I could really do with losing more weight but I am determined at the moment to just keep focusing on being healthy and hoping that will take care of the weight loss for me. 

I have cut down on caffeine. I don't want to give up anything completely so I am allowing myself a cup of coffee in the morning then switching to herbal tea or water.

I have cut out salt as much as I possibly can and only allow myself crisps every now and again whilst really trying to tell myself to savour it as it is a huge treat. 

Crafting with Cerys

One thing we always loved to do together was crafty things. I am in the process of organising all of her crafty goodies after our move and have to say I am feeling the urge to get crafty again. I know she has missed this but I just could not face it before. We have also started playing cards lately too. 

So at April 2015, that is where I am at. I am looking forward to reading this back at a later date and seeing improvements in all aspects of life. :) 

Moving on

Well, major news.. I have moved into a new downstairs flat with my daughter so I have been very busy with that. It got to the point where it consumed my life. I'm still sorting boxes at my own pace but have got a bit of my "normality" back. I missed a few gym sessions but I am back there now with a determination to get even fitter then pre stroke me. I'm still having to pace myself not just in terms of exercise but in general life. The plus side is that in having to do this I am finding a much more balanced me. Life is by no means perfect but still seeing improvements keeps me strong, happy and positive. The feeling of spring approaching certainly helps too and the fact that I have bought and can wear trousers that are two size smaller than previously. 

My daughter is settling in nicely to our new home too. It really does feel like home already.