Everyday fail

I wish I was one of those "polished" types. There are many other things I want from life but that feels like something I can quietly at least have a chance of achieving right now. I am having a bit of time out of life to heal so why can't I heal and polish? 

I probably very unintentionally give the impression of not caring about such matters. For instance this weekend, I needed to wash my hair but unfortunately the shampoo was left opened and upside down on the bath rack so I went to use it it was empty. My hair not too bad of a state but I did not feel my best. I had woken up with a spot on my chin, luckily this is not a regular occurrence for myself but I along with my normal skincare routine dotted a bit of spot cream on it. I used to get my make up bag out every morning and apply whatever eyeshadow etc I felt like using that day but routine is extremely important to me at the moment and I am very pleased with my "current everyday make up look" I felt okay as I left the house that day in my self. I had taken my daughter to swimming lessons, something which I can not seem to cope with very well as yet. It tires me out so much and I'm not even the one swimming. Talking to my mum later on about this, she did say maybe I am not hydrating myself enough whist in there. Which is a very good point. Next time I go, I'm going to drink plenty of water before I go, I also have to remember to bring water with me. I am hoping to buy a backpack in the next few weeks with enough room for a water bottle for myself and my daughter and all the essentials that we may need on days out over the summer. After swimming, we went to do the weekly shop. While walking in to the shop, Cerys and her dad said to me " you look like you have got a spiders web on your face" I can only imagine that it was the spot cream. How embarrassing! That is the sort of thing that frequently happens to me even though I try so hard to look presentable. :) 

I am in the process of sorting through my wardrobe. I'm at one of those stages where I don't really know what size I am so I have got a few piles of clothes in my bedroom that need trying on to see what fits. I just want rid of clothes that don't fit well or flatter me and would love to go on a shopping spree to buy a few new items but I'm not working at the moment so anything I want to buy needs to be carefully considered. I have a pair of jeggings in a light denim which I wear a lot but they are slightly too big for me on the leg. I would really like a tighter pair with a few rips in. There are other things I need right now though, shoes!! At the moment I have one pair of skechers I wear all the time and a cupboard full of Shoes that at this moment I have no idea if I will ever be able to wear again. I would like a pair of white daps and a pair of sandals that are cushioned and easy to walk in. Also quite equally essential, I need to get measured for a new bra. I again am not sure what size I am right now. I think bra and back pack is the place to start. My daughter luckily has lots of nice summer clothes although I do want to sort her wardrobe out too as we will have sports day and a school concert coming up shortly so a inventory is due. Then of course I will need to start collecting new school uniform and school essentials for the "big" junior school. 

I am really trying to budget. I have so far got a sheet where I write all incomings and outgoings which I look at daily. I would like to by the end of the year have a bit of money in my bank account that is there just in case. I am currently living week to week and I'm doing okay but okay is just not good enough for me anymore. The problem I have right now is no matter what I am facing, I think to myself "if you can beat a stroke and learn to walk again you can do anything" I'm not afraid of failure, everyday I fail at something but occasionally I have those moments when I no longer fail at the thing I have been failing at for weeks or months before. What a great feeling that is! :) 

Present life goals April 2015

On June 5th 2015 it will have been a year since I had the stroke, that is fast approaching and although I am still recovering and not fully healed, I have to say that I am so pleased and have exceeded all expectations so far. A lot of the time I am still just getting by and as much as now and again it does frustrate me, that will do me for now. 

My goals are almost all at that point of really getting back to normal life instead of I want to be able to feel my arm, I now for example would like to be able to go out one night and have a dance. Physically I am able to do some kind of dance (we are by no means taking professional here ;)) but mentally I would just not be able to handle it yet. 

My daughter asked me "when can you drive again?" Another of my goals but again mentally I don't feel anywhere near ready. I am still trying to keep my life as simple as possible because my brain gets so tired, I am sure I will get to a point and it will feel better as things have improved so much for me already and after all it has not even been a year yet since it happened. 

Writing 

It helps me so much to write, something I must admit that I would never have said that I particularly enjoyed but it's so satisfying and feels like a brain workout (without any pain or frustration). I even enjoy writing a email or letter whereas in my life pre stroke I did not have the time so it would always be a rush job. 

I am currently writing this off my iphone but I am hoping to get my computer set up in my flat in the next few days. When I am hoping to use this little space of mine to write to my hearts content. 

Photos

I used to be the type that would see setting up a piece of technology a challenge now at the moment the thought of it makes me want to curl up and cry but I have a camera that needs some attention as I love to take photos at the moment. I think because it's something I can do as I often a feel a bit like I'm a bit of the outsider who can't join in fully with all that is going in around me but I can snap away. 

Ok, so after reading this it would appear I am a pro dancer, writer and photographer??  ;) nah, I'm just getting by. Doing what I can whilst I am healing and unable to work. 

One of my goals is over the next few months and summer holidays is to get one photo of all the places I can get to visit. I started yesterday with a photo of Nolton Haven in Pembrokeshire, which is the beautiful county which I live. 

Hair and skin 

I am also using this time to improve my physical self. Being in hospital for so long, having to have somebody else wash, shower you, do your hair, help clean your teeth is something at the age of then 36 is something I never thought would happen to me. When I think back, how embarrassing but I felt/feel so grateful for those lovely ladies in the hospital who even blow dried my hair for me. I had long hair at the time and could not manage to tie it in a simple pony tail. By the time I came out of hospital my hair and skin did not feel at it's best. It was only around December time though that mentally I felt able to think about this. I decided to get my hair cut to above shoulder length as it was not growing and felt really unhealthy, I had it cut with all the intention of growing it again straight away but I actually really like it and it is in lovely condition. I'm enjoying trying new products and at the same time trying to find a bargain. I can also now get my hair in a ponytail if need be but I love that mainly I can wear it down and with a quick going over of the straightners each time, I am good to go. 

My skin is looking and feeling good too, Although I am still trying to tackle this pore issue on the top of my cheeks. That is my next aim, I have got my eyebrows somewhat as I like them, they could be better but they are so much better than the unruly mess they have been , so I am working my way top to bottom, keeping it simple, affordable yet trying to  look good..../better. 

Clothes

I remember sitting with my physiotherapists and talking to them about clothes and the fact that my arm was not moving at this point made it very hard to dress myself but I have somehow always got by.  Although they did remind me that buttons and zips would be out. I sat there in despair picturing me in jogging bottoms and t shirts every day, I am still avoiding zips and buttons as much as possible. As I can do them with a struggle but it is after all, all about keeping it simple. I enjoy looking for clothes even more now then I did pre stroke. I appreciate and notice fabrics and attention to detail that I never did before and I am very lucky that somebody invented the jegging. No buttons or zips. Yay. I spend my life in my skechers but I feel safe in them and I can walk, first of all  . Not a day goes past where I am not thankful for this. I do look forward to the day when I can wear different shoes for different occasions but for now that is very much a case of window shopping. 

Health and exercise

I am currently completing a 16 week exercise programme once a week which I am really enjoying. I am trying to improve throughout this so I can develop further after this period is over, 

I have lost quite a bit of weight too for the first ever without being on a "diet" . I am very mindful now when it comes to food. I only eat when I am hungry and stop before I become too full. I don't deprive myself of any food but try to keep it in moderation. 

I could really do with losing more weight but I am determined at the moment to just keep focusing on being healthy and hoping that will take care of the weight loss for me. 

I have cut down on caffeine. I don't want to give up anything completely so I am allowing myself a cup of coffee in the morning then switching to herbal tea or water.

I have cut out salt as much as I possibly can and only allow myself crisps every now and again whilst really trying to tell myself to savour it as it is a huge treat. 

Crafting with Cerys

One thing we always loved to do together was crafty things. I am in the process of organising all of her crafty goodies after our move and have to say I am feeling the urge to get crafty again. I know she has missed this but I just could not face it before. We have also started playing cards lately too. 

So at April 2015, that is where I am at. I am looking forward to reading this back at a later date and seeing improvements in all aspects of life. :)