Lego birthday

I was determined to make my daughters birthday a extra special one the year, through not fault of her own it has not been the easiest times of late. I wanted to achieve this for not only her but to also prove to myself that I could organise a party. Something that I have always loved to do. She originally wanted a lego themed party in a hall with a bouncy castle but everybody of course has the right to have a change of mind and suddenly she wanted to go to Legoland with Mummy. We are aiming to do this in the summer. It will give me a chance to plan, save and get stronger as no doubt she will ask me to do things there that will test me and I am trying really hard to be a "yes" person obviously whilst being sensible, I am making the most of my time at home at the moment and looking out for deals for anything legoland and london related. 

Her actual birthday fell on a weekday and  I am pleased to say I remembered a present, wrapping paper, birthday card, banners and birthday badge. I made her a voucher which entitled her to a lego party (we decided to do a house party with her friends at the weekend) and one trip to legoland and london. I had made the cupcakes for her party so placed some of these in the shape of a 7 for the morning of her birthday. 

We invited Nanny to have birthday breakfast with us

And she had a kindle as her present 

She went off for a day in school, she has never forgotten the first day she ever had her birthday in school, I had packed a cake and a note from me in her lunch box and she had kept mentioning this prior to her birthday. I think I did a pretty good at pretending I was not really listening to her properly and once again she had a note and a cake in her lunch box . She was delighted. 

We went for a birthday tea with Nanny L and Daddy after school and had lots of fun. 

Then at the weekend we got ready for her lego party. 

They played a few games but I did not get any photos of those as I was a bit busy and was also using my phone for music. Spotify is my new best friend. Lego spoon race was great fun. I tried to organise it well but in the end it was a case of "if you have got a spoon in your hand, pick up some lego and run" I think they all enjoyed it. I was pleased that it went so well, pleased that Cerys enjoyed it and so happy that my brain didn't get too tired to cope. The only thing I forgot was napkins which my mum kindly helped me out by plating up pieces of cake while the guests were still at the party. Daddy had provided the alternative to booty bags which were lego sets for the boys and a lego book for the girls. 

We continued the festivities by all gathering at my mums house to watch the Eurovision Song Contest. We had all chosen country's to cheer on and my sister had put in a little kitty for the winner. It did make it so much more fun. What a lovely day :) 

Paint and repeat

Can you imagine if something you have always loved to do suddenly becomes so hard that you almost dread it but you love then end result so much that it is worth putting yourself through that pain? Painted nails is currently bitter sweet for me. I have always loved getting my nail colour collection out and choosing which shade to wear. Then either paint them in front of something good on TV, a DVD or turn the music up . As I said, it was something I used to enjoy. 

It is currently something I do not look forward to. I must carry on with these rituals though as they are helping my brain plus I love having painted nails. :) I have shown here a picture of my left hand.my weaker side. It is my right side that I find harder to paint but also harder to photograph as I can not use the touch screen on my phone with my left hand as yet. My left hand Grips the nail polish brush in such a odd way but I somehow manage to paint my right hand and the spills are getting less and less. I must have no noise though as you would not believe the concentration needed. I also painted my toes, that was a work out in it self. But that had got to be helping me get stronger, plus it is May and even though the weather is not so nice again at the moment. These next few months to me equals pretty toenails. I need to so a bit of research into if there are any "safe" sandals that I can actually walk in too. 

Anyway, these are my nails painted in Ciate Play date. I am no expert on these things but I can tell you it gets full point on ease of use from me and what a pretty colour. 

Escalators and fighting with numbers

Cerys

Me and my daughter have been fine throughout this awful period of our lives but these last few weeks have been a bit strange for us both, I think it is because this time last year I was not feeling 100 %,  obviously I did not know at that time that I had a blood vessel in my brain which was about to erupt and was suffering with a severe case of vitamin b12 defiency and anaemia. My life was a stressy mess to be honest. I was so tired all of the time and struggling with everyday life. Because it is her birthday 21st May and I had the stroke 5th June (I found her birthday cards and banners still up when I finally was allowed home) we can remember this time of year rather plainly. She did have a party last year but not a full blown up affair like I normally like to do as I was too tired. She enjoyed it though all the same. Anyway, I am getting distracted here, I could not love this girl anymore than I do. She is my world and my best buddy but over these last few weeks the love has just somehow got even stronger. We are so happy and so close. It is fabulous. My brain had been reborn and with that has made my love for my daughter even stronger than it was before. I am doing well with this always look on the side malarky. 

She had asked for a party in a hall with a bouncy castle. I have been trying to arrange it but we have had a change of plan. She now would like to go to Legoland. I can not take her on her actual birthday but we have planned at some point this year to go to London to see Big Ben (her request) so we will need to make a stop at legoland the same time. I will need to start arranging this shortly but I also need to tackle the issue of escalators. :s I am terrified of getting my right leg on but my left leg just not following etc. So I am going to have to start with quiet local places first and get on every escalator I can. 

I am also very excited, that she would like a small tea party/ lego themed. I have the lego invites on order (first job done) 

I went to a literacy and numeracy meeting in her school last week. I walked there all on my own. Managed to hold all the paperwork when we sat and listened although I did then leave it all in her classroom. Oh dear. I also had to decline a cup of coffee as there was no table and can only imagine the state I would have got in trying to hold a cup and papers whilst  also trying to listen and concentrate. The speaker was very interesting and there was a logic puzzle on the board for the parents to have a go at. I used to adore and I mean seriously love logic puzzles but I looked at it and my brain kinda thought nope, not a chance mate. It made me chuckle inside when the lady speaking said some children would look at it and think no I can't do it without even trying. As that is exactly what I was thinking. I have never been the type of person who would just give up, I would need to solve it. I really wish I could say thank you to that lady as it wasn't until later that evening I thought to myself if I am finding numbers and logic hard right now, I need to work at it until it is no longer so hard just like I have done with everything else. So, Myself and Cerys are learning maths together right now and I need to purchase a new logic book. Wish me luck! :) 

Beautiful sunset, colourful life

I was lucky enough to witness this beautiful sunset this week. Thanks to some lovely friends who took me out for the evening. It is amazing to think that this is about a 20 minute drive from where I live. I feel very lucky especially when we do actually get to see these lovely views with the sun shining. 

Although I would not have been able to get down on to the beach due to the steep steps, the view from the cliff is just amazing. I am hoping to see a few more sunsets over the next few months, with possibly a lovely spring and summer. I was in hospital last year for all of June and half of July when the weather was beautiful. I used to see people coming into the hospital looking bronzed and smelling of suntan lotion. I used to admire their summer clothes while I was in my uniform of jogging bottoms and baggy t shirts each day, 

Although we can not rely on the weather I intend to make the most of each nice day that I can, because I can. 

During this time, I used to close my eyes and see really bright, beautiful images in my head that at the time I did think I may want to paint  (I am not a painter/artist) but since coming out of hospital I think my brain got so full, relearning and recovering that these images all became quite grey and I had a sudden obsession with grey, wanting to be surrounded by it and to wear it all the time. I still do have a fondness for grey but my life is starting to get all of it's colour back now and they are being reintroduced into my quite colourful life. 

Room in my Mind

As the smell of bacon wafted through to the bedroom as I awoke this morning, I was very vividly transported back to one of our childhood holidays in Butlins. We always stayed in self catering chalets and
 it became a tradition for my Dad to cook a english breakfast each morning to start off our fun filled days.

My Mum was frying the bacon this morning and sadly I did not awake in Butlins and very sadly my  lovely Dad is no longer with us. I woke up so happy though and although I wish he was still here, I am so thankful for all those lovely memories. I have been a vegetarian for about thirteen years now so it is quite ironic for the smell of bacon to make me feel happy. I do not and never have missed eating it or any other meat as it always felt like a chore to eat it.

I am 36 years of age now and obviously it has been a good few years since those holidays and breakfasts. It is not the first time since then that I have smelt a breakfast cooking. So why did it bring those memories back today?

There may not be any reason at all, I suppose I could say that it is just one of those things. To me though it signifies at the very least that my brain is getting better and there is a bit more space up there for things other then concentrating on walking, moving my arm or being able to have enough concentration to engage in a "normal" conversation with people.

I seem to be finally making some progress with this brain filtering thing. 

Not being able to concentrate on walking because somebody walking behind me was talking very loudly etc is luckily getting to be a thing of the past.

Goodbye Paul Anka

Come on arm, just move

Because the brain cells that I used to control my left side had died, I had to learn how to control my arm through new ones. Isn't the brain amazing? It is a hard and exhausting process to go through but obviously so worth it when you start seeing results. I did not see instant results but if I had not listened to my physiotherapists and taken their advice then I would not have been able to do things like my paint my nails yesterday (maybe not as tidy as I would like, but not a bad job) 

Remember 

Is the first advice that I got given. The physios would  ask me where my left hand was and I would not be able to locate it. So I had to remind my brain that it was there. Not a easy task but I was determined to get myself "back to normal"- a ongoing process still. My hand and arm became my little baby and I looked after it and watched it. There was no movement at all in it by this point so I would control it by using my right hand but would always know where it was and keep it in my view as much as I could. 

Let it go

(Let it go) was the next stage. I had remembered it so now was the time to try to start using it again. So many times, I went through the motions of attempting to squeeze a bit of toothpaste out of the tube but very little happening but I was assured that this was helping my brain to remember. I knew it was working really as at this point there was a tiny second where I thought it would be easier just to always use my right hand for everything as my brain hurt so much and I very often ended up in tears. They were not tears of frustration but my mind felt like it was being squeezed. I still get this feeling but it is becoming less and less thankfully.

I would put my arm on a surface and it would be so heavy that while the rest of my body would be getting ready to leave that particular spot, my arm would remain there even though I was attempting to always remember it. That is when I decided to name my arm as it did not feel like it was 100 % part of my body. I have loved the TV series, The Gilmore Girls for years and with the dvd player I was brought into hospital I watched it yet again and was reminded of Paul Anka the dog, so that was it my arm became known to me as Paul Anka. I have too many Lorelais in my life to go for the obvious name as I loved the Gilmore Girls when my daughter was a baby so a lot of her toys were named Lorelai as my daughter used to call girls in general "gilmore girls" bless her.

The next part of life with Paul Anka was pushing. Again like with my whole recovery I have decided to always attempt something more difficult and always have a goal. When I left hospital my arm was moving for me every now and again. I could not pick anything up, big or small but I could hold a satsuma if directly placed in my hand for a a short while.  I could not hold a fork so I ate using my right hand only. I would place the fork in my left hand for a minute or two every meal time (again just reminding my brain). This really does work and I can understand how people think it is easier to give up than fight as it is without a doubt the hardest thing I have ever had to go through but IT IS WORTH IT. That very first time you can pick up a fork and move it in your hand or the time you can move your arm to get the food into your mouth or the moment you eventually get some toothpaste out of the tube- those moments make it all worthwhile.

One day I had to say goodbye Paul Anka, Hello arm. You may be weak and slow but I shall make you strong again. This is a working progress. 

So, are you better now?

The photo below is me with my daughter on December 6th 2014, 6 months and 1 day since I had my stroke. This was a very proud moment for me as I managed to walk with her in our towns Lantern Parade before watching Santa turn on the Christmas lights. I did learn to walk again by the time I left the hospital which was July 18th this year but here is where it starts to get complicated as you may think she must be all better now then. I will say, I am very lucky to have good leg strength back in my left leg but my foot is not fully functional yet and  the only way to even come close to explaining how it feels is that it is as if  I have been out in the snow and can't quite get the full feeling back in it  but it is improving daily and  I can't help but feel lucky as earlier this year I could not and did not know if I would ever walk again. I am always so grateful to people who take the time to ask me how I am but it is so complex that I don't really have the time to explain in depth or don't want to bore anyone if they are just asking me out of politeness. So here are the two common questions and how I really would answer. I am hoping to look back on these answers in another 6 months and see how much has changed. 

**How are you?**

I am so pleased to say that I am doing well and please forgive any negativity here but it is necessary -so here comes the negative parts- I find it hard to lift my left arm as it feels like I have a really heavy weight attached to it. Again though it is improving. 

My brain and mind feel full so there is really not much room for anything other than getting better. Whenever I do anything new or am under pressure for time, I have that feeling of sitting an exam,not having enough time to answer the question and the brain goes into panic mode. I am seeing improvement in this too and am genuinely feeling a little more myself each day. I am still the same me inside but there is a lot going on in this brain of mine right now and I do tire quite easily which quite often leads to me slurring my speech- this is the part that upsets me the most and as I have already explained about my foot but along with that and the walking side of things, it has a taken a while but my left arm is now moving more naturally as I walk but I do worry about crossing roads because my pace is slow and also my left shoulder is still quite stiff so I find checking for traffic harder than usual. One of my goals was to be able to do my daughters hair by Christmas and I am pleased to say I can do a basic ponytail albeit not as tidy as I would like. My hand is very similar to my foot, it feels like it is numb with the cold. I can feel my entire left side now which is amazing and for a long time it felt like I had permanent pins and needles in my hand  but now its a feeling of slight numbness. 

**Will you make a full recovery?**

I will answer with a postitve- I am 99.9% percent sure, I have regained all feeling in the left side of my body and am still seeing improvements. I have worked too hard on getting myself better to fail now so at this point,so  I am still here fighting. Forever setting myself new goals and giving myself the biggest congratulations when I achieve them. 

So if you ask how I am and I say I'm okay, it is because I am okay and have come so far that I forget myself about my current struggles. I have got no problem with any questions if people should choose to ask me any as what I have learned from this year is how complex a stroke and stroke recovery can be and would like to raise some awareness if possible. 

I will not shout or get frustrated at you if you try to help me- I promise, so please do not judge me or accuse me of doing too little or too much. I take full responsibility for my recovery and would not put it in jeopardy as it is too precious to me. :) I would not have been able to make such good recovery so far without the help of my family and friends. For example, my Mum- I do not know what I would have done without her these last few months. She helps me with everyday things which means I have more energy to concentrate on recovery or the things I need to do that day. My daughter is amazing, she is the best physio I could ever have and offers me so much encouragement and praise. Finally I need to thank my diary for keeping me organised. This book is never far from my side at the moment and contains much more than important dates and addresses. It also lists my goals, achievements. lists and generally anything that I may forget.