Brain shake up

I wouldn't describe myself as brain damaged but last June my brain was in fact damaged. I have been working so very hard to not let this define the rest of my life. I'm doing pretty well, I have a foot and a hand that no longer work properly but I'm still working on them both and still hopeful that one day they will improve the same way that the rest of my left side of the body has, I get by generally but Sometimes my body and brain likes to give me little reminders that I'm not better yet. 

It was my sister Claire's birthday on 4th August, it landed on the week that we were having our holiday in Pembs. Unfortunately somebody forgot to order the sunshine so our plans for the day were changed. It was all fine though and we decided to have a family day at Mums house. 

Rebecca had asked Mum to help her get flowers for her Mum. So sweet! :) 

It was all going so well until I accidentally forgot that I'm not just a normal person that doesn't need to concentrate on walking etc and went to ask Cerys something. I attempted to get down mums three steps without thinking, lost my footing and landed on my nose. I can only assume that my left side was just not strong enough to hold me after my fall.  After my nose finally stopped bleeding(sorry about your new floor mum ;)) I could feel how swollen my nose and eye was, it was so painful and I spent the next few days taking painkillers and had a lovely black eye. Although my daughter did say it looked the same colour as my make up. I do love a smokey purple eye but I prefer the pain free kind. I did spend the next few days hidden behind sunglasses as it felt too sore to try to cover up with make up. It even felt sore with sunglasses resting on my swollen nose but I preferred to be hidden from the world. Mum had a grab rail installed by her steps when I moved into her house after my hospital discharge. I have been extra careful on the steps ever since my fall.  I am determined not to let it dent my confidence but I would be lying if I said that it did not upset me. 

Hope you had a lovely birthday Claire, I didn't mean to try and steal your limelight ;) 

I have always loved watching Rugby Union. One of my goals having come out of hospital was to watch Wales play live. Ceri and Lexy had tickets for a test match between Wales and Ireland although they did warn that the seats were quite high up.  I must admit that this is something that would have worried me pre-stroke too but I was very nervous as we had her to see a show in Cardiff in high up seats  the night before I had my celebral angiogram, I was so nervous and it did spoil the show a bit for me. 

As we approached the stadium I got that old familiar anxious feeling- not about the actual game but about my height issues. As we started climbing up more and more steps, I  just wanted to cry. Huge thanks to Ceri for literally holding my hand the whole way up.we had arrived at our seats only to face another obstacle, passing people to get to our seats. Thanks so much to my mum and Ceri for holding me along this very narrow path. You made me feel as safe as I could have felt. I was so relieved to make it to the seat and that I was able to look down and actually enjoy the rugby. Luckily as well as sitting by my mum I sat by a lovely girl who I shared a little moment with regarding the fact that we were indeed both welsh even though we were both wearing white tops and would both be cheering for the same team. I loved every minute once there, just a shame that it was not a better game for Wales with a better score. Ireland were the better players that particular day though and I got to see Wales play rugby at the Milennuim Stadium. I have only ever seen wales play in Cardiff Arms Park  many years ago with my Dad. I hope to go back and take Cerys but it would need to be on a lower level. 

I love food but since having a stroke my tastes have changed and I'm still learning what flavours I really like. Yesterday, I had a packet of onion ring crisps and I felt like I was eating chemicals, I presume that was the articial flavourings etc but that is yet another thing to add to my list of things that I long enjoy anymore. 

This, however was gorgeous

We ate in Henry's, Cardiff, it was lovely. I had the hallomi burger. If I remember correctly it was peppers which had been cooked beautifully with a lovely flavouring, hallomi and hummus all served in a seeded roll along with fries and mayonnaise. I am going to try and recreate this at home once I am back from London. 

I had to pop into the doctors earlier this week to pick up a new prescription and sick note. When I came out of hospital I couldn't have even attempted to try and sort this out myself. Every time I have gone lately something seems to have gone wrong but they were both there waiting for me. I walked to the chemist to put my prescription in when I realised that I couldn't tear my prescription off to hand it in. Before frustration kicked in too badly luckily a lady behind the counter noticed and didn't cause too much attention to the fact that I was stuggling, she just sorted it all out for me. I am very grateful. 

I don't know if it us a hard thing for people to talk about but if I mention "my brain" a lot of people can't seem to deal with it. For instance I may mention how I like something now that I didn't before and they may say oh that's because you are getting older and your interests change etc. This may be partly true but I think it's a combination of my brain having a bit of a shake up and the fact that I have been forced to slow down so it had allowed me to notice and appreciate life more. 

I have had some good times lately without any dramas too but I shall talk about them another time as another thing about my brain- it needs lots of rests and one is due now. 

Falling in love with food again

Three days from today  will be a massive day for me. It will be one year since I had a stroke. It has been a year of varying stages of recovery and one year since my life had a major shake up. 

Straight after my stroke or to be more precise the first few weeks after it as I became aware of what had happened to me, I was told that it would take at least a year to recover. I have not recovered fully but I am still fighting hard and am extremely proud of all that I have achieved. I had so many questions, would I walk again? Would I ever be able to move my arm again? Were my major concerns. I was told that there was no way of knowing or answering those questions for me and that if I may just find ways to adapt to get by in life. I thought " no way, I want to get back to how I was" but

During this past year, I have had to do just that, adapt.  I have had to let go of what I was and how my life was before in order to move forwards. I do and have always believed that life will guide you in the right direction. I am not fully recovered but I am not bitter. Of course, I would rather that it hadn't happened but it has, my way of coping and staying positive has been to embark on a new journey of making my life better and healthier than ever all the while with the purpose of making the fact that I had a stroke define my life less and less. 

It is hard to believe the journey that I have found myself on these past twelve months. I didn't see this coming, that is for sure. 

Food 

I had left paralysis after the stroke to the point that I could not even understand that I had a left side on my body. I was of course confined to my hospital bed although for a couple of weeks after the stroke all I did was sleep. I had to have mashed up food, the choice of vegetarian mashable food was very limited and I became to dread mealtimes. I could tell they thought I just a fussy eater as I would get so upset at even the thought of the food being delivered. I think it was a combination of not doing anything or seeing any other view except for the hospital ward from my bed in between meals, the fact that every meal was a proper cooked dinner( albeit a mashed one) and finally the fact that it was tasteless. I did of course eat what I could (although I remember not touching the food on the left hand side of my plate for a while as I could see it but felt like it wasn't included in what I had to eat)  but I did start losing weight which they kept an eye on. The best test I have ever tried in my life was the biscuit test which I took a few weeks after the stroke. It determines how you are swallowing. I ate it fine and I don't think a biscuit has or ever will taste as good as that again. The choice of vegetarian hospital food is still rather limited but was much better than mashed everything. Of all the foods I was most excited to eat was salad. I have always loved salads in fact I have always loved food. 

Someone in the hospital asked me what my favourite meal was and I could not think. In fact I am still not sure what I would say is my favourite meal. I am sure I will remember or figure it out soon though. I am currently enjoying food again although I detest that feeling of eating too much ( it must stir up bad memories of being back in that hospital bed where I felt like all I did was eat all day) I have adopted more of a little and often approach to food and my mind seems to be mentally checking if it is a balanced diet all the time. I have never been a very balanced person but I am pleased with this current trait. I do hope it sticks around. 

Sandwich club

Yes, I was once a member of the sandwich club. I really wish I could have had some sort of certificate stating this fact as It does make me chuckle. I used to attend a little group in the hospital, I would walk there with my stick but my arm was not moving at this point. I also have to laugh at the fact that I chose to make a cheese and tomato sandwich. How on earth did I think I was going to chop the tomato? Answer you adapt. I could use the weight of my left hand to hold the tomato in place, obviously being very careful not to slice any fingers off and cut with my right hand. I can not begin to explain how tired I felt after making a sandwich. I mean it was a sandwich not a three course meal but over this past year the tiredness has got less and less with every sandwich I have made. 

I cook almost every day. My ways of adapting are planning in advance what are meals are going to be and we try to eat at 5pm each day so that it is not too late as I do start to get tired and clumsy as the evening approaches and I also want to make sure I have enough energy to wash all the pans afterwards. 

There are things that make my life do much easier in respect of food and they are buying grated cheese I have grated cheese myself since the stroke but there were tears- it's too mentally tiring right now. That would have to be my big task of the day should I wish to grate cheese so I choose not to do it right now. 

Frozen chopped vegetables- Again I can chop a vegetable if I need to but I am trying to keep things as simple as possible right now. 

And this timer. I talk to people sometimes and say how I don't quite trust myself not to make a mistake and I think maybe they think this is due to lack of confidence. I think it is me being sensible. I never know when tiredness can strike and I am always aware that I could have a bad day. This is rare but I would rather be prepared. This timer is used a lot by me during the day. I of course use it when cooking food. I also use it at various intervals during the day. I can so easily lose track of time or lose concentration so this helps keep me on the right track. There are many other funny little ways that have developed this past year but I shall just keep this post related to food today and not confuse myself. 

I am hoping to come back here and have an answer to what is my favourite meal over the next few months but food I am loving right now are eggs which reminds me of something else I need to mention

So-lo salt. I have made a really big effort in cutting down on salt in my diet. If I do have any, it is low sodium. I used to love salt on boiled eggs but have discovered if I eat boiled eggs once they are cold they seem to have more of a natural flavour that I enjoy without the need to add anything to them. Although peeling the eggs is not a task I love. I very stupidly peeled one over the bin a few days ago and as I had almost finished, dropped it. I won't be doing that again- peeling it over the bin that is, I can not promise I won't drop anymore. I love rocket salad. It has a strong enough flavour that it does not need anything added to it and I adore the taste. Jalapeños and pesto are another of my current favourites. Yum. 

Another important fact I could mention here is the fact that yesterday I actually managed to open a tin of beans which did not have a ring pull. :) We and I include the cat in this have been dictated what tins we can have by the fact it has a ring pull or not lately. Maybe I should crack open a few tins on Friday to celebrate? :) 

Room in my Mind

As the smell of bacon wafted through to the bedroom as I awoke this morning, I was very vividly transported back to one of our childhood holidays in Butlins. We always stayed in self catering chalets and
 it became a tradition for my Dad to cook a english breakfast each morning to start off our fun filled days.

My Mum was frying the bacon this morning and sadly I did not awake in Butlins and very sadly my  lovely Dad is no longer with us. I woke up so happy though and although I wish he was still here, I am so thankful for all those lovely memories. I have been a vegetarian for about thirteen years now so it is quite ironic for the smell of bacon to make me feel happy. I do not and never have missed eating it or any other meat as it always felt like a chore to eat it.

I am 36 years of age now and obviously it has been a good few years since those holidays and breakfasts. It is not the first time since then that I have smelt a breakfast cooking. So why did it bring those memories back today?

There may not be any reason at all, I suppose I could say that it is just one of those things. To me though it signifies at the very least that my brain is getting better and there is a bit more space up there for things other then concentrating on walking, moving my arm or being able to have enough concentration to engage in a "normal" conversation with people.

I seem to be finally making some progress with this brain filtering thing. 

Not being able to concentrate on walking because somebody walking behind me was talking very loudly etc is luckily getting to be a thing of the past.