Can I tell you something

was what my 7 year daughter asked me this morning. To which I replied of course, bracing myself for what she could be about to tell me. "you are so beautiful" was her response. We sat for a while and she told me how well I am looking at the minute and yes the truth is I am feeling very well and I have had the odd occasion as of late when I have felt beautiful something that at quite a few points in my life since my stroke I didn't think would ever be achieveable. Now I'm not saying I'm "model beautiful" at all but to feel beautiful inside is a wonderful feeling.

On June 5th 2016 it will be two years since I had a massive hemorrhagic stroke that left me with a paralysed left side. I have learnt how to walk again, move my arm and hand again, tell the time amongst other things. Things I thought I would only have to learn once in my lifetime.

It is very strange to be at a point now where people are not constantly asking or checking if I am okay. This of course was what I wanted more than anything at one point but it has been strange to let it go. I can't speak for anybody else but my stroke recovery has felt like- one step at a time, grief for what you have lost, fight all you can, celebrate every achievement but grieve your one time stroke issues that you have conquered. Set yourself a new goal.... It really is a complicated business.

I still have left hand and foot parathesis but I don't let it stop me much. There are things I can't do but I prefer to try to concentrate on what I can do. My brain still has its funny moments but if I sleep well, eat well and all that good stuff I find I can manage to stay in control.

My biggest goals have always been and still are -

To complete a run to raise money for the stroke ward that looked after me so well.-  I'm not able to run as yet but I'm getting stronger. I am following a gym plan and throughout the month of May I am making it another goal to get into the gym twice a week every week.

Be fitter than I have ever been - eating well and exercising. Keeping my 80/20 lifestyle up.

and

to help others who have have suffered a stroke themselves. - When I started writing this blog it was with the intention of someday getting to the point of it helping somebody else as when I came out of hospital I like many others wanted to find success stories as as much as I wanted to believe I would get better I did not know if I ever would. I have enjoyed this little blog but it has become more of a personal diary as I have not had the strength in me to help others as was my original goal when I have still had such a major fight on my hands myself.

  I don't want to stop writing but I have decided by June 5th to start a new blog. With the purpose being to hopefully help others, give me a purpose and to give my brain regular work outs.

Thank you to my sisters for always reading my posts and to anybody else who happens to come across this.  Lots of love to you xxxx

Enjoy life

I am loving January. Yes, this is not something that you hear everyday. I'm not enjoying this dreary weather but it is refreshing as a Stroke Survivor person who is constantly setting myself new goals to be surrounded by many others who have also set themselves new goals/ resolutions.  I actually have something in common with most people. Yay.

I seem to be at a stage now where I can separate my goals into Direct stroke goals, Indirect Stroke Goals and just general Life Goals.

My Direct Stroke Goals are of course to both Mentally and Physically recover/improve from my stroke.

My indirect stroke goals which I'm currently working towards are improving my health, being better at managing money, being organised with my time and "stuff".

One of my Life goals is to lose weight and then maintain this weight because

1. I want and need to be as healthy as possible

and

2. If I achieve another life goal (which is to have a good career) and I'm good at managing my money I can buy nice clothes (and shoes- if I achieve my direct stroke goal of recovering enough not to have a strapped up foot that can only manage flats) that I will wear again and again without having to have a "fat" and "thin" wardrobe which will also help me to be organised with "stuff"

Another life goal is to save money but I also really want to go on holiday with all my family.

 Okay, yes I am aware this sounds like I want it all. I have loved or sometimes not loved all of the "advice offered" on how to achieve goals or stick to your New Years Resolutions. I have heard and read over and over again that you really have to want to achieve said goal and yes I agree wholeheartedly. If I had not wanted to recover from my stroke with all my heart I would not have come so far as I have.

I thought my life was over (well at least life as I knew it was over) after my stroke, so I'm going to be healthy, lose weight but life is too short and precious not to eat cake if I want it.

I'm going to try my best to save up for a holiday with my family this year. Yes I could save money for a rainy day first but  life is too short not to enjoy it while you can.

Advice from someone who is not at all qualified to give advice but has set and achieved many a goal since June 2014 is yes, set goals but do not let them  ever stop you from enjoying your life and if you fancy a piece of cake- have it :)

Present life goals April 2015

On June 5th 2015 it will have been a year since I had the stroke, that is fast approaching and although I am still recovering and not fully healed, I have to say that I am so pleased and have exceeded all expectations so far. A lot of the time I am still just getting by and as much as now and again it does frustrate me, that will do me for now. 

My goals are almost all at that point of really getting back to normal life instead of I want to be able to feel my arm, I now for example would like to be able to go out one night and have a dance. Physically I am able to do some kind of dance (we are by no means taking professional here ;)) but mentally I would just not be able to handle it yet. 

My daughter asked me "when can you drive again?" Another of my goals but again mentally I don't feel anywhere near ready. I am still trying to keep my life as simple as possible because my brain gets so tired, I am sure I will get to a point and it will feel better as things have improved so much for me already and after all it has not even been a year yet since it happened. 

Writing 

It helps me so much to write, something I must admit that I would never have said that I particularly enjoyed but it's so satisfying and feels like a brain workout (without any pain or frustration). I even enjoy writing a email or letter whereas in my life pre stroke I did not have the time so it would always be a rush job. 

I am currently writing this off my iphone but I am hoping to get my computer set up in my flat in the next few days. When I am hoping to use this little space of mine to write to my hearts content. 

Photos

I used to be the type that would see setting up a piece of technology a challenge now at the moment the thought of it makes me want to curl up and cry but I have a camera that needs some attention as I love to take photos at the moment. I think because it's something I can do as I often a feel a bit like I'm a bit of the outsider who can't join in fully with all that is going in around me but I can snap away. 

Ok, so after reading this it would appear I am a pro dancer, writer and photographer??  ;) nah, I'm just getting by. Doing what I can whilst I am healing and unable to work. 

One of my goals is over the next few months and summer holidays is to get one photo of all the places I can get to visit. I started yesterday with a photo of Nolton Haven in Pembrokeshire, which is the beautiful county which I live. 

Hair and skin 

I am also using this time to improve my physical self. Being in hospital for so long, having to have somebody else wash, shower you, do your hair, help clean your teeth is something at the age of then 36 is something I never thought would happen to me. When I think back, how embarrassing but I felt/feel so grateful for those lovely ladies in the hospital who even blow dried my hair for me. I had long hair at the time and could not manage to tie it in a simple pony tail. By the time I came out of hospital my hair and skin did not feel at it's best. It was only around December time though that mentally I felt able to think about this. I decided to get my hair cut to above shoulder length as it was not growing and felt really unhealthy, I had it cut with all the intention of growing it again straight away but I actually really like it and it is in lovely condition. I'm enjoying trying new products and at the same time trying to find a bargain. I can also now get my hair in a ponytail if need be but I love that mainly I can wear it down and with a quick going over of the straightners each time, I am good to go. 

My skin is looking and feeling good too, Although I am still trying to tackle this pore issue on the top of my cheeks. That is my next aim, I have got my eyebrows somewhat as I like them, they could be better but they are so much better than the unruly mess they have been , so I am working my way top to bottom, keeping it simple, affordable yet trying to  look good..../better. 

Clothes

I remember sitting with my physiotherapists and talking to them about clothes and the fact that my arm was not moving at this point made it very hard to dress myself but I have somehow always got by.  Although they did remind me that buttons and zips would be out. I sat there in despair picturing me in jogging bottoms and t shirts every day, I am still avoiding zips and buttons as much as possible. As I can do them with a struggle but it is after all, all about keeping it simple. I enjoy looking for clothes even more now then I did pre stroke. I appreciate and notice fabrics and attention to detail that I never did before and I am very lucky that somebody invented the jegging. No buttons or zips. Yay. I spend my life in my skechers but I feel safe in them and I can walk, first of all  . Not a day goes past where I am not thankful for this. I do look forward to the day when I can wear different shoes for different occasions but for now that is very much a case of window shopping. 

Health and exercise

I am currently completing a 16 week exercise programme once a week which I am really enjoying. I am trying to improve throughout this so I can develop further after this period is over, 

I have lost quite a bit of weight too for the first ever without being on a "diet" . I am very mindful now when it comes to food. I only eat when I am hungry and stop before I become too full. I don't deprive myself of any food but try to keep it in moderation. 

I could really do with losing more weight but I am determined at the moment to just keep focusing on being healthy and hoping that will take care of the weight loss for me. 

I have cut down on caffeine. I don't want to give up anything completely so I am allowing myself a cup of coffee in the morning then switching to herbal tea or water.

I have cut out salt as much as I possibly can and only allow myself crisps every now and again whilst really trying to tell myself to savour it as it is a huge treat. 

Crafting with Cerys

One thing we always loved to do together was crafty things. I am in the process of organising all of her crafty goodies after our move and have to say I am feeling the urge to get crafty again. I know she has missed this but I just could not face it before. We have also started playing cards lately too. 

So at April 2015, that is where I am at. I am looking forward to reading this back at a later date and seeing improvements in all aspects of life. :)