Keep on fighting

I have just walked back (all by myself and in this awful gloomy weather) from the sports centre. I can not make many classes during the school holidays as my daughter will be with me and one of the weeks my sister is home so we are having "a holiday in Pembrokeshire" and I am going to London another week, I will not stop exercising during this time as it is important to keep working at these muscles of mine. I am no expert and I have to write myself a little guide to accompany this chart to remind myself of what each exercise entails. It is important that I have something to follow. I can find a few videos on YouTube and have used parts of various videos but I know I need more work on my left arm and the exercises I do for my leg are to keep it strong rather than improve it although I have no problems if it does improve. :) so I have taken that into account when working out a plan for myself. 

I have included hand exercises (something I must admit that I have neglected as of late) 

This is why It is so important to sit down every few weeks, think of new goals and check where about you are in your achievements. If I used to do hand exercises then my hand wouldn't be able to do much else for the day and as I have  been "trying to live my life as normal as I can", I have found myself using my hand more and more for everyday things but there was a time when I could not exercise and use it. I am only human, I sometimes get it wrong and I had completely forgotten about hand exercises but they are so important as I have had no improvement in the parathesis. I can move it and use it but I can't feel it very well, I get so sick of the constant pins and needles I feel. At first I was relieved to feel it as it is that familiar feeling I have felt all over my body as the sense of feeling to my left side was reappearing but it has been over a year and nothing. Whether it will ever come back fully I do not know but as I am getting that bit stronger in other areas now is the time to fight harder as far as my hand is concerned. 

When I came out of hospital I searched on YouTube for stroke stories and exercises and remember this one lady lifting weights, I thought she was amazing. I could not even grip a weight let alone lift one. At various stages after that, I checked to see if I could do this but it hurt too much and of course there was always the possibility of really hurting my shoulder so I knew I was not strong enough to try. 

About a year after my stroke, I am lifting a small weight above my head and although I can't feel my hand very well, gripping and letting go is not even a slight issue anymore. 

I have even included jog on the spot in my plan. I am not even sure I can call it a jog and I can only do it for a very short time but one day I want to be able to run but this is how far I am right now with regards to running. 

So at this point in time - July 2015, I am enjoying exercising, still fighting and still trying my best to be patient. :) 

My toughest critic

I guess that would be myself. I have been feeling a bit down this week but I did not know why until today as I took a walk home from dropping my daughter at school. I must remember how much I enjoy a morning stroll, it really does me so much good. On reflection, I have been doing too much this week. I have set myself goals that are just not attainable with how tired I get and the fact that I have a weaker left side which feels weaker as I get tired. Hence, my day is normally 7:30 am to 7:00pm and I need to remember if I am expecting to stay up any later than this, then something has got to give in the day.  

I think with the end of summer term approaching all the kids, parents and as I said to my mum last night, grandparents in some cases are tired and very much in need of a break. I know that I am not alone in this feeling but I have felt so very tired this week. I am today, taking a bit of time out to rest. Everything that I need to do is on a list and can get ticked off as and when. I wanted to be finished unpacking by the beginning of the holidays, it's been impossible so I shall carry on with this when Cerys is not with me or has other plans during the holidays. 

I have put up her dolls house, I think it could be better but I put it up the best I can with one fully functional hand it's not easy and there were tears, lots of tears but I did it :) 

It will be moving to the back of the hall when I have cleared the boxes that need unpacking where I intend to have her dolls house, a book shelf and her bean bag. But it is up, it's functional and she is happy with it so that is the main thing. 

I think the weather has brought me down a bit this week too, more so because of the fact that I like routine so I had just got used to sunny day routines so it upset me so much to have to deal with rainy, gloomy days again, what to wear etc and walking in the rain is not so easy as going it when the sun is shining. If you have to have your hood up it is really hard to cross the road. Hurry back sunshine. I don't mind gloominess in winter when you are prepared with the right clothes and outdoor gear, I don't even see the point of putting make up on when it's a horrible day but then when out I don't feel like talking to people because I haven't got make up on!!!  When did life get so complicated? ;) 

So on my walk and my time to reflect I think it has made it clear that although I'm trying so hard to get better and I am improving. I have to remember that my body has been through a lot and I'm still recovering and have a long way to go yet. Silly me, I am doing so well and really am very proud of myself the majority of the time. 

Note to self- you are doing okay 

When inspiration strikes

I think I have finally got to a point in my life where I feel like I have actually lived through a lot of inspirational quotes. I see some and think to myself yes that is what I think everyday but how do you get yourself to the point without going through something awful first?

Life is too short not to -- this is something a lot of us will frequently say. I have always said it but don't feel like I practised it so well. Now I find myself saying it all the time but I truly believe it and I am actually doing the things that I was once too afraid to do because life is too short to worry about what other people think. The fact is most decent people aren't worrying about what you are wearing/ doing but yesterday I did read somebody made a comment online about women being too big to wear short skirts. Perhaps it was said in jest and was a little private joke that he had going on with somebody else. I quickly came off this site as I really wanted to say have you not thought that maybe that lady is trying her best to be brave and one bad comment may mean she will never want to show her legs again or worse still, leave the house again. 

I have not wore shorts for years, not because I hate my legs in fact although not the best legs in the world they are probably one of my better features. I suffer from dry itchy skin and never wanted anybody to see it. In the previous weeks building up to what could possibly be our summer, I have been applying this to my affected areas four times a day. 

It is looking so much better and although not perfect, I can cope with not perfect much better than ever.  I have been wearing my shorts and if anybody should make a comment I shall just tell them "life is too short not to wear shorts if I want too, I am very proud of my legs especially my left leg as it forgot how to walk at one point in my life but here it is walking again. Why would I be ashamed of that? 

This is good too for getting you to feel a bit more summer ready. It is easy to use and just gives a slight sun kissed feel to the skin without having to worry too much about precise application. I did shave my legs and exfoliate with a body scrub first. Shaving my right leg is the hardest for me as my left hand is very weak (I get so upset when people tell me I am not using my left hand enough because if I do something like shave my legs my left hand doesn't want to be bothered again for a little while. You can almost feel it falling asleep. I use my left hand all I can but I must remember that it gets too tired to do everything that my right hand does) 

Love the people who treat you right

The people who messaged me straight after my stroke is significantly more than those who still play a active part in my life now. I am so grateful to these people and so grateful to be given the chance to see who really is there for me in my life.  I shall certainly keep these people close and will always be there for them should they ever need me. 

Everything happens for a reason 

I wish it hadn't happened to me but it has and from this I have decided that something good has to come from it. I am on a journey to make my life the best life it can be, life can not get much better than that. As time goes on and I improve I really do want to help others who have been through similar to myself but I think in order to do that well I need to concentrate on healing myself first. I am pretty sure though that somewhere in the grand scheme of things that having a stroke was some part of a greater plan. I am still very much at the begining of this journey. 

If you get a chance, take it

Obviously within reason I am very much trying to be a yes person. I am sensible enough to realise my limits but I also enjoy to push myself too. I am trying my teach my daughter to do the same as although I may not be mentioning her specifically in all this she is very much in this journey with me too. 

I really would like to get this printed and framed in our house as I think it sums up me and daughter perfectly. In fact, I sat down with her last night telling her this. I promised myself I would never be a pushy mum but it is very hard to get the right balance of encouragement and not pushiness. I watched her swimming yesterday in her school gala. At bedtime I asked her did she think she tried her best at it? Of course her first answer was yes but we talked more and it eventually came out that she felt that she could have done better.  I told her how at my exercise class earlier that day that although I am aiming for something that has not been achieved yet I felt so proud of myself that I knew that I could have not done any better. She went off to school this morning telling me that we both must try our best today. :) 

Nobody said life would be easy

So true, it's not easy so just make the best of it! I think I spent too much of my life constantly waiting for the moment that life would be perfect. The fact is you can have perfect moments so treasure those with all your heart, it's never going to be all perfect. 

Make the most of it and enjoy every moment that you can :) 

Making it easier

The main reason that I don't like rainy days is the fact that I do not like having to wear a coat. 

There has been various reasons over the years as to why I do not like to wear them but at the moment it is because I really struggle with buttons and zips. 

As a child, I loved those days in the playground when we were told we did not have to wear our coats. I remember shouting "freedom" as I probably skipped or ran around.  Then as a teenager/ young adult I detested trying coats on as I always had to buy huge sizes as they never used to fit me very well on the chest area- this is still a problem. 

Today, after not having to wear a coat for a while I really struggled with the zip although I must confess that my arm no longer hurts when I actually put the coat on! Yay. 

Hurry back sunshine. 

This is a drawer in my bedroom, I have a few drawers and cupboards like this, full of things I love but I can not use at the moment. A few days before I left hospital they got me to go to the hospital shop to purchase a magazine. This was so terrifying. I was using a stick with my right hand which was my good side, I didn't know what to do with the stick when I needed my right hand to do something. I remember knocking the stick over and threw my money all over the floor that day but they wanted to show me how different my life was now. I didn't even attempt to take a handbag out with me for a few months after I came out of hospital and relied on my mum to carry my money around for me and for paying for me. As time has gone on, I of course attempted this more and more myself. I found it so hard to start with but I have got to say now I am doing it without a second thought. I have adapted by only using a cross the shoulder bag. 

I use this clutch bag as my purse and keep as fewer cards as possible in this card wallet. I also keep my keys on a lanyard so that I can find them easily plus it is somuch easier being able to hang them around my neck when leaving or arriving back at the house when carrying bags etc. It is working very well for me right now but one day I hope to get back to using my handbags and wallets I have stored away. I always keep my pill box with me. I bought this when I first came out of hospital as it was so hard to actually get any tablets out of the packaging so I would find it easier to do a weeks worth at a time. It is something that I have carried on with although I do find it easier to actually get the tablets out  now but I am used to doing it this way and love routine. My diary and a pen needs to be kept with me too. I really want to get a monthly and weekly view diary planner but as for now I am using a notebook for each month which I keep at home then use a weekly diary which fits in my bag nicely, I would like to invest my time and money into a lovely planner and decorate it pretty but I want to make sure that this is something that I will continue to want to do and love to do first. 

Reasons to be happy in June

Sometimes it gets a bit much and I have to just take a moment to remember that life is going well and I have many reasons to be grateful. today is one of those days so here are some moments that I am grateful for - 

An afternoon in Scolton Manor! when I was in hospital my sister bought me a copy of "the simple life" magazine. I love that magazine so much. I actually get excited at the thought of looking at a new one. I have not felt like that since "girl", "jackie" or "my Guy". I used to look forward to the day they came out each week. Anyway, this particular issue had a section on wild flowers. I sat and just looked at it for ages, longing for the day that I could get out of hospital and see some actual real life wild flowers. I would say it doesn't get much better than that but stick my gorgeous nephew amongst the wild flowers equals heaven! ;) 

Me and my mum :) I like this photo as I am standing very straight in it and I think I look quite well. It takes quite a lot of effort  to stand tall and feel like I look nice so got to try and capture the moment if it happens. 

This, also happened. Which I thought was so lovely. My friend took me on a picnic to a nearby beach called Sandy Haven. She had packed a basket full of goodies including a small bottle of wine for me. It was a lovely afternoon and we had so much fun. 

The picnic basket :) 

As I had gone out for a meal to celebrate my stroke anniversary I had promised Cerys I would take her out for tea the following Friday. She wanted to take her cousin Rebecca with her. I didn't fly them over to New York unfortunately but did go to an American themed diner. I had a Reeses thick shake which was beautiful! Yum. 

Then Aunty Ceri came home for the weekend and we had a sleepover. 

Along with some singing and dancing! Not the best photo but the best of a bad lot- no offense girls! 

I enjoyed seeing Cerys riding her bike 

And then I shall insert some random photos I have taken over the last two weeks here- 

So this is very true indeed :)- 

Balance, bath time and freedom

Last year I never thought I would be able to actually enjoy a long hot soak in the bath again,Something I have previously always loved to do. When I came out of hospital I wanted to attempt to get in the bath, With the help of my mum I could get in and get out again but once in I could not have the water anything but lukewarm as my left side was now over sensitive, same as having a shower, I could not have it too powerful or too hot. That was one thing that not one person had mentioned or warned me about. I asked a occupational therapist during my visits to outpatients was it normal and she put my mind at rest by explaining that it was my brain getting used to different temperatures. I have not attempted to get in a pool as yet but I am hoping to very soon. I, of course want to try swimming but also I really want to see if I can handle the temperature of the water. 

I had a lovely bath last night and even though I am so grateful to every person who helped me to shower or my mum, getting me in the bath, I don't think I will ever stop feeling thankful for just being able to get in the bath all by myself and shutting the world out for a short while. There are many unpleasant things about a life after a stroke but I hated the fact that during most of my time in hospital which was over a month I did not have a single moment just to myself. That is obviously a much better alternative than being left, helpless on my own of course but to have all your independence and freedom stripped from you is a tough one. People always say to me "you are so strong and brave" I don't feel strong and brave, I took the route which was easier for me. I do not want to be looked after for the rest of my life. I accept any help I am given and will try and fail probably more times than anybody knows but I would rather try once, fail and then ask for or accept help as life after a stroke is difficult and tiring enough, why make it any harder? I know and accept (although of course, I get upset at my body and brain too) that sometimes my body is just not ready. It is all about - 

Giving yourself time to heal

And 

Balance 

I have never been very balanced or the most patient but as well as getting stronger each day I am more balanced and I love balanced me :) 

Taking time out to heal

July 18th 2015 will be one year since I got discharged from hospital after my stroke.my daughter broke up from school that day and I felt so lucky to be able to walk a short distance with my stick to walk to the school gates, something that for the previous months I had not been able to do. This year they break up the day before my discharge anniversary but still perfect timing to begin the next stage of my recovery plan. 

I had planned to take a gap year when Cerys is 18 to visit Africa together. (if she still wants to go with her old mum when she is 18 that is ;) ) 

It was not in my plans to take one right now but it would seem that it has chosen me. Africa is not really a option right now. I am recovering right now and on my own personal journey I intend to embrace this upcoming year. Last year, in the summer holidays I was still quite poorly so these upcoming holidays I want to really enjoy my time with her. I could be working this time next year, who knows?

I am going to try my best to get all those boxes in the house unpacked and the house and garden looking pretty by July 18th. In anticipation of 

My taking time out to heal year 

First priority will be to enjoy the summer holidays with Cerys. 

2. Get on the journey of being super fit. (I have limitations but I can make a start) 

3. Complete a sewing project 

4. Make a memories book 

5. Grow a vegetable 

6. Practise make up on others 

7. Paint a picture

8. Read books/listen to music 

9. Take lots of photos 

10. Write about my experiences 

I am sure there are more things than that but ten is a nice even tidy number so I shall leave it there for now. Along side this obviously I will always be aiming to get stronger and be well.