Deliciously warm and sweet

That is how Sophie Kinsella describes the Little Beach Street Bakery by Jenny Colgan, a book that I have recently read and fell utterly in love with. I love to read and luckily having a stroke does not mean that I lost the ability to read but it does mean I now have a brain that does not work as well as it once did and a book that can hold my interest has now become something that I am ever so grateful for.  I tried to read a book not long after having a stroke, I can't help but smile at the thought of me reading the same page over and over again. Partly because I could not take it all in but also it felt like it was the correct thing to do.

I love the description of this book -

"The book is really about being brave; about striking out on your own when everything's against you"

I have spent the last two years not being able to feel like I can connect to anyone else but I felt immediately drawn to this character called Polly.

I read this book by accident because I had mislaid the book I was attempting to read somewhere between Manchester and York. My sister Ceri had lend it to me to make my train journey home go faster and be more enjoyable. It even made sitting right outside the toilet for almost three hours bearable.

There is a lot of talk of bread and other bakery goods which as someone who likes to bake and likes to eat I really enjoyed. 

I loved the part where she realises that she has a wardrobe full of clothes that she no longer wears as she is too busy living her new different life.  I have clothes, shoes and bags that I can no longer wear or enjoy at the moment. I must admit although I can't always dress as I wish (I'm still having to keep things simple) it is refreshing to have fewer choices. I have been researching into the "Capsule Wardrobe" I'm enjoying life being more simple and am really embracing being surrounded by fewer items yet things I really love.

Welcome to my silly life

Bring your foot up 

This was something that was constantly being told to me while I learnt to walk again. How I miss those days of just putting one foot in front of the other.It does get easier and I don't constantly have to keep reminding myself of this but it still requires concentration. 

I am writing this today because after tripping over twice this morning I have forced myself to put my foot up for a few hours. It, along with my brain is obviously in need of a rest today. I can't complain really. It does very well. 

Everything has its place

I have been very busy in the flat this week. I'm finally at a point where I have the energy to do 

my daily cleaning plus tackle a project (mainly unpacking still) each day. For so long I have had to choose between the two which has been hard because I need everything in the right place. This is where I find it hard as often people will say I know how you feel, I do too but I never used to be like this so I am not sure if it is the only way my brain can cope or if I have changed personality. I just have to roll with it I suppose. I'm happy so that is the main thing.



Building Dreams

I managed to tick Legoland off the list.   We had a lovely time and as we managed to get Annual Passes will be back again and have a list of things I would like to go on once I am stronger. I did manage to go on a few rides and enjoyed watching others. 

Cerys made me go on this ride lots of times because it made her laugh as I literally could not stop laughing each time we went on it. I found it uncomfortable but so much fun and I can't say no to that girl :) 

Legoland is lovely and I am looking forward to going back there again one day. 

Super Proud of Super Me

I am one year, 4 months post stroke and today I finally (I say finally as those that know me will know that I have been waiting on this moment for so long. ) I started my Gym programme.

While laying in a hospital bed with a paralysed left side, I can still remember peoples faces when I announced that I would walk again. I know, it was awkward, nobody wanted to get my hopes up too much in case it didn't happen. I had even given myself a date that I wanted to achieve this goal. Looking back I don't know if that was bravery, naivety or stupidity but I did it.  Although the original goal was to walk with a stick up to my daughters Sports s Day. I didn't quite manage this but I had started to walk. This was probably my first example of seeing how much my life was about to change and how much of a fight I still had ahead.

I was walking short distances but I was advised that if I went to the school I would need to see if I could get in and out of a car, then there was the issue of how far could I walk, roads, pavements, other pedestrians. I was so scared anyway by this point plus a wheelchair was mentioned. That was not part of my plan. I wanted to walk in. I also didn't feel I was strong enough to have a few hours out of hospital only to have to go back there again.

So today, I walked to the Gym by myself. I have been on the Treadmill, Bike and did some arm strengthening It felt amazing and I am looking forward to next week already.

I have had a unofficial goal which is to one day run.  I am not brave/naive/stupid enough to set a date but today I am making it a official goal -

One day I will run 

London Wonderful London Part one

It would be so easy for me right now to just hide away from the world and plan things to do once I feel better. I do feel like I am hidden away in some ways because I can't work but I find myself going out more by myself and enjoying chatting to people, something that last year I didn't think I would ever be able to do. I still get a but lost if the conversation involves more than one person but hopefully that will get easier with time too.

I had an amazing time in London recently and am super proud of myself for going on this trip. 

We arrived at London Victoria coach station and made our way across the road and only a short distance away to Victoria Underground station, I managed the steps pretty well and after a straightforward journey on the District Line we soon arrived at our home for the next few days Aldgate East. I always get a bit nervous about finding places from the stations as they normally state head North, East, South or West up a certain street. It would make much more sense to me to label the pavements with the above as it doesn't make any sense in my head. We walked out onto Leman Street and followed the boys who seem to understand these matters more (to those who get confused like me, when you come out of the tube station you are told to head south which to me means head right down Leman Street)  and within a couple of minutes we came across Alfie Street

 and from here we could see the Premier inn 

I love Premier Inns and have stayed a few times in various ones in London and Bristol areas. We had arrived earlier than check in was due to start but would have been happy just to leave our suitcases there at this point but they gave us our room keys and even made a few rearrangements so that we could be fairly close together, in the two rooms that we had booked, The receptionist was lovely and took the time to have a little chat with us too, (my very first proper job was a Hotel Receptionist. I loved it and loved meeting new people and making them feel welcome. I also loved all the admin and organising that came with it.) Danny loved the fact that there were vending machines selling drinks, snacks snd some toiletries.

We very quickly dropped our cases in, freshened up a bit  and headed towards London Bridge. Again this was a simple tube journey on the District Line to Monument with no escalators. 

We didn't immediately see any sign of London Bridge but it wasn't far from the station. 

This here was the main reason for wanting to walk over London Bridge. What a lovely view of Tower Bridge. 

We also saw The Shard. Once over the other side we walked through Borough Market.

Smelling and looking at all the delicious food. I will definitely be back here one day with an empty belly and a purse full of cash. We then found ourselves walking past The Clink 

We didn't actually go into this Museum but have added this to our to do list because Cerys was very intrigued by this.

This was my reason for wanting to visit this part of London. It's not just any old pub but an historical pub. I had pictured myself sitting in the beer garden looking at St a Pauls Catherdral with my glass of wine. 

 Tick :) It felt as good as I had imagined these past few weeks.

Honestly I'm not obsessed with Premier Inns but Premier Inn Southwark is near by this pub so I would love to try that one out next time I am in a London. I fell in love with this area and could quite happily just spend a few days around these small parts. 

We headed back the same way that we had came (spot The Gherkin :) ) 

Danny tried some Egyptian food while the others tried some Hot Dogs 

We then made our way on the District line yet again to Westminister for Cerys to see Big Ben- which was the main reason why she wanted to visit London. We ended up getting separated by here which led to me not swiping my Oyster Card because Ceri was looking after it for me. From that moment on I got a bit braver and kept my Oyster card in my pocket. I would bring a small over the shoulder bag to accompany a backpack next time but you live and learn. I managed to sort out a refund for my mistake on my Oyster card luckily whilst I was there. 

We then walked around to Buckingham Palace 

Then headed down The Mall in search of a Bella Italia as we had a voucher for 25 percent off food there. We went to The Strand. My battery on my phone was low at this point so I have no photos of this. We had the Pane Bella  to start with the Balsamic vinegar and olive oil, I wish you didn't have to choose between this and the Mascarpone and Spinach dip as I enjoy both equally, I followed with the Cannelloni Ricotta which was nice but not something that I would be that excited to try again.

We had then come to the end of a very eventful and jam packed day one and headed back to Aldgate East from Enbankment all ready for our beds. 

Day Two 

I was up pretty early this morning and unpacked our case before we headed for breakfast. We were greeted by such lovely staff who could not have done enough for you.  They offer a wonderful choice of food that would cater for almost Any tastes. 

I really enjoyed my breakfast there each day. Myself, Mum and Cerys had booked to go to Madam Tussards this particular day, our slot was 11:15 to 11:30 so we made our way to Baker Street after breakfast.  A simple tube journey on The Hammersmith and City Line with no escalators and we were had arrived. 

I shall have to abandon this London diary here for now as I started writing it on my phone and knew how to get photos on here very easily but I am now writing on a Chromebook- Thanks so much Claire :) I'm still learning how to use it. My brain is slower than it used to be but I shall get there and I will come back to write London part two when I feel like I can and keep this updated as I miss it but a change such as a swap of a technological device is such a big deal to me and my now brain right now. 

That time of month

Oh I love the two weeks of every month when I am happy and feel like I can conquer the world. I don't do the other two weeks so well. 

I have awful anxiety the week before my period is due to start. It is irrational, I know this but I can not convince my mind otherwise. I am constantly tired and feel as if I could sleep standing up. I have had a particularly hard time this  month and as the pain starting this morning I could literally feel a dark cloud lifting away from me.my mood is good, I almost feel productive as long as I have a hot water bottle and a paracetamol. I am still in the middle of writing about my visit to London, I can only cope with writing about it in short bursts. It will be so worthwhile now when future me can look back and reminisce. 

Life has not been too bad as of late, unlike my bad mood. My sister Claire  has very kindly given me her old chromebook to use which I have to admit I am not using to write this. It is lovely and I will use it to write with very shortly. 

Cerys has started junior school, she loves it very much and it is wonderful to see her looking so very happy. 

I have started following some workouts on YouTube which are not specifically aimed at stroke survivors. If there is anything I can not do, I do my own version but I'm getting quite strong these days and felt the need to push myself a bit more. :) 

I can click my fingers using my left hand, something which I never thought I would be able to do again. My improvements are not always as obvious as they was were but I think that my hand is improving and I am pretty sure that sometimes on rare occasions I don't feel the constant pins and needles anymore. :) it still gets tired very easily after I use it but I will have to put up with that. After all, it had been through a lot this past year.  :) 

Overthinking is necessary

"I will think about or worry about that tomorrow"

Those are words that I can no longer mutter as I have to think everything I do in life through in great detail. It is strange though as I suppose I am living "in the now" more than I ever was and I do make the most of every minute of my life.  I am learning to enjoy the planning process (which is very necessary for my now brain) Now brain - I think I might use that saying more. :) 

When thinking about going to London, I was so excited but along with that came a lot of worry too. There are times when I want someone to come along and just say don't worry about a thing, I will sort it all out for you but I know that is not the right thing to do. I must keep fighting on. I am lucky as whenever I go for days or evenings out I have been with people who care enough for me to ensure I am

picked up and taken home afterwards so I feel safe. 

I of course went to London with people who care about me but knowing I was away from my familiar surroundings and having  to rely on mainly the tube (with some dreaded escalators) and not to be able to just pop to the toilet did scare me. 

I miss those carefree days but they are just not an option for me right now. 

I had a wonderful time and so proud of myself for going but in order to enjoy myself these days involves a lot of planning. 

As I said on my previous post I had searched on the TFL journey planners with the option of avoiding escalators. It's very strange to think I looked for steps to avoid them as for a long time steps were not even an option for me either. 

In order to feel that bit safer again, I did download "city toilet" app into my phone but did not actually end up needing to use this and brought a purse with me filled with coins as knew you had to pay 30p to use some toilets. 

Next post I write will be all about my fabulous time in London but I also want and need to remind myself here of the difficulties that accompany these fun times right now. I then have something to look back on and to compare to as the more time is going on the recovery process is getting less and less obvious to me. It is happening just very slowly compared to what it once was. 

Writing it all down helps with this process. :) 

Pack up your troubles

This time last week I was in the very hot and sunny  London. It has taken me a week to start to feel like I am now back in my reality. 

I had spent a long time looking forward to this trip and at least  two weeks before planning each day and each tube journey/ walk etc, I must admit I almost enjoyed the looking forward as much as the actual trip. 

I love packing and started putting bits together for our trip many weeks before it. I would have loved to have bought new clothes to go but that didn't end up happening. I had planned to travel as light as possible while trying to be covered by any possible weather. My plan was to bring three dresses that would all be okay to wear either bare legged or with tights and that could be worn on their own or with cardigans. When it actually came to trying my dresses on though I had nothing that would cover all weathers so I resorted to my usual trousers with either vest tops, short sleeve tops and cardigans. I didn't want to carry anything that I would not get use of but I ended up having to bring "just in case" items. Cerys was easier as she has dresses and playsuits that can be worn on their own if the weather is nice or can look just as nice with leggings and cardigans if need be. Although I did make a mistake of packing a dress that no longer fits her. I had not noticed how much she has grown. That dress fitted her perfectly at Easter which does not seen so long ago. 

Normally I struggle with the dilemma of what shoes to bring but having a dodgy foot means I only feel totally safe in one pair of shoes so I obviously wore them and had no need to pack any more. Cerys wore her trainers and I packed her sandals just in case she wanted to wear them but she only wore her trainers as they are sensible but still look nice and matched all of her outfits. 

I have bought a backpack and it is just what I wanted. I saw a photo of this on Primarks Instagram a few weeks before I could actually go in and have a look around one. I saw another similar one as I walked in and grabbed it as was not sure if this would still be avaliable, I was so happy when I saw it by the rest of the bags. It cost ten pounds, looks and feels perfect for me. I couldn't stop staring at once I had got it home but did feel that it needed a keyring so I had planned to look for one in London. Very strangely though Cerys had gone for a day out in Tenby with Nanny Lawrence and had bought me back a Purple Heart keyring with a J on it. Perfect. It means so much that she chose it for me. 

Cerys is quite notorious for not wanting to carry her backpacks, we had gone for a day out recently and she had moaned so much about it that I ended up carrying it. She wanted to carry my bag around though so I decided to buy her a more "grown up" bag. 

Partly for her and partly for myself as I didn't want her moaning about carrying it around London. She chose a bag "called Kangol" :) she loved the blue and purple colours and the suede bottom. In fact now she has decided that she would like this to be her school bag. 

I bought a folding walking stick that I can carry with me just incase I feel a bit unsteady or tiredness kicks in. I am normally the one being told to "keep your bag shut and look after your purse and phone" and I must admit my reaction would be "everything is going to be fine, no worries" etc but I felt a bit anxious about this, this time around, I think it's because I have so much more to think about these days for instance carrying a bag while walking. I packed my Oyster card in a inside pocket of the bag and packed my purse and important things in a make up bag and tried to pack plasters, my tablets, body spray in another make up bag. I tried to keep it organised and as easy to access as I could while making it as safe and secure as I could. 

I bought a new notebook (which is looking a bit battered after London) and planned days out and how we could get there. I still had my escalator dramas and noticed that if you use the TFL journey planner for London it does give you an option to tick a box to search for underground stations that avoid escalators.  I of course didn't do a strict plan but wanted to feel as safe as I could so needed to plan what I could. We had some food vouchers so had an idea of where to eat each night and an idea of all the things that we wanted to do. I would normally do this sort of thing but would use a computer. I enjoyed using a notebook and stickers though and will definitely use this method again. 

Then all that was left to do was go and have fun in London :)