No New years resolutions

I recently came across this photo above and immediately thought that it perfectly summed up my 2015.  I would not go as far as to say I have been "Spiritually awakened" but I can certainly identify with the above.

Goodbye and Thank you 2015

You have been kind. Of course, life is always full of ups and downs and is never plain sailing but overall I have had a fabulous year.

Life after stroke

So, it is one and a half years since my stroke (yes that half a year is of extreme importance), I still have my daily struggles but I am still getting stronger and improving albeit not so obviously as times goes on. I am so so thankful when people stop me and tell me how well I am doing, its not that I need a confidence boost etc but is necessary as I sometimes just can not tell if I am doing well or not. So it really does mean so much for people to take the time out to recognise that I am still on the right path.
I have wrote and said many a time that my dream one day is that the stroke will seem quite insignificant in my life. I struggle with this dream now. I sometimes have days where I barely think about it but it is still always with me and I really don't know whether I will be able to or want to forget all about it.  I still suffer with Neuro fatigue or stroke tired as me and my daughter call it. It is nothing like normal tiredness. I have learnt and am still learning to manage this but its frustrating and can be really annoying to say the least. Its very hard to explain to people too. 
Physically- I am definitely improved. I am constantly trying to improve on this. When I walk, I try to beat my previous time etc. The worst I have felt recently was Christmas shopping. My core muscles ached so much and I just wanted to flop down -(that is the best way that I can describe it).   I can feel myself getting off track here but basically as much as in one day much further down the line I want the stroke to seem like a minor thing, there are days or moments when I feel like I could do with a big sign around me saying "this person has had a stroke,  please treat with care" so that people don't bump me, get cross if I can't get out of their way quick enough or get upset at me for taking the last seat if I need to rest.
My hand and foot are still improving but the progress feels so much slower than it once did.  I feel like I am still "just getting by". Yesterday I picked up a plate with my left hand. My brain was getting messages but I just could not figure out what the problem was. The plate was a bit too hot for my hand to handle but it wasn't until I felt it with my right hand that I understood what was happening. 

Ah, I will get there. I'm not too sure where "there" is but I'm trying to my best to enjoy this journey that I find myself on.

Stroke Related Goals

I am not making New Year Resolutions. I am however constantly giving myself life goals but unfortunately stroke recovery doesn't seem to work in measurements of time so neither can I. I can  jump on the spot and do star jumps so my next aim is to run. I have to laugh when you see or hear people saying "Anybody can run" I have learnt how to walk again but I can not physically run as my left side is still too heavy. I will run one day though I am sure.
I want to be able to feel my hand and foot. I'm using them all I can and am sure one day this will happen.
I want to be able to wear nice shoes and sandals - and not to have to wear my ankle brace to feel safe.

2015 Achievements

I have bought a actual pair of jeans and can do up the buttons and zip myself. They are two dress sizes smaller than pre stroke me and could probably be another size down again if I didn't need them baggier for ease of dressing.  This is amazing, thinking back to that day sat down with my physios telling me I would now have to wear T shirt, jogging bottoms and trainers, Look at how far I have come :)

I go for walks independently.

I find conversations a little easier. I still get a bit too tired to talk sometimes but its better.

Life Goals

Money- Again what I want to achieve won't be attained in a year but I am closer than I was this time last year and intend to be even closer next year.

Diet/Fitness/Health- All improved and still being improved. My actual goal was not to lose weight but I have. I can not tell you how much advice I have been given from people who have lost less weight then myself. I have not taken any of it on board. I don't want to completely give up carbs or survive on juices. I like food- eating and cooking. I am wanting to be healthy for life so for me it is all about moderation. I am stepping this up a bit this year as I would like my weight loss to be a bit more noticeable and I really do want to stay healthy. I also want a flatter tummy. The tummy has been very difficult to exercise this past two years and has left me feeling rather flabby.

2016- I know you won't be easy but lets try and have a good one!

Happy New year!!! xxx

You can't always get what you want

I would like to be a bit richer, a lot thinner, have an amazing career and own my own house and car but this time of year especially, is when I realise how lucky I really am. 

In 2014 I had a stroke, Didn't want it and I didn't need it and it is certainly not something I will ever look back on with fond memories as it has made my life so difficult but I am lucky, I survived, I am alive and am making a excellent recovery. So therefore, I can accept what has happened to me but there are so many bad things happening all around us to good people which I can not make any sense off.  I feel so lucky that I am giving the chance to live again and I am so determined to live the best life I can.

I have not felt like writing much lately. Life has felt a bit harder as of late. The weather has on occasion made me more or less house bound and I have been so tired.
This time last year I was a lot more reliant on my Mum yet this year I am in my own home, cooking every meal, cleaning etc which I am so proud of but I must remember how important rest is.
Up until my phone broke I was keeping an eye on the weather to plan to get outside on nicer days but this got forgotten about with my lack of technology. Starting today, this is happening again. I can't control my energy levels completely so I can't completely rely on getting out and about if the weather is okay but all this planning certainly helps.

I started waking up naturally at 6am so  I decided to make myself a bit of a schedule to give my day some structure. I didn't make it too strict just gave myself half hour slots with what I should/could be doing during that time. I have found though that even if I wake up at 6am I can not start any jobs until after 9am as I get too tired so I will need to re do this schedule.

Something which is working better is my budget. I am pretty proud of how well I am doing with money. The big day is this Friday when I get to withdraw my Christmas money. I'm sure there are many people who think that is rather late but I needed to make sure I was on target for December and January bills too. Its amazes me how people can have their presents sorted by the summer. I love Christmas shopping in the winter plus my daughter has just wrote her letter to Father Christmas but has not included anything on there that she previously said she would ask for. :)

I wouldn't have recovered so well without my familys support who always amaze me by making my life easier. That is my biggest bit of advice for anyone recovering from a stroke- Make your life as easy as possible.

I am trying to sort something out at the minute which I need to do to help my recovery but despite ringing and leaving messages for this person to call me back I just can not sort it. I just don't have the energy to sort it all out. This is not helping the situation at all but makes me more grateful for those people around me who are always there for me.

I can't wait for the day when I am stronger enough to chase a bit harder for things I really want but my current fight is still taking up far too much energy.

Deliciously warm and sweet

That is how Sophie Kinsella describes the Little Beach Street Bakery by Jenny Colgan, a book that I have recently read and fell utterly in love with. I love to read and luckily having a stroke does not mean that I lost the ability to read but it does mean I now have a brain that does not work as well as it once did and a book that can hold my interest has now become something that I am ever so grateful for.  I tried to read a book not long after having a stroke, I can't help but smile at the thought of me reading the same page over and over again. Partly because I could not take it all in but also it felt like it was the correct thing to do.

I love the description of this book -

"The book is really about being brave; about striking out on your own when everything's against you"

I have spent the last two years not being able to feel like I can connect to anyone else but I felt immediately drawn to this character called Polly.

I read this book by accident because I had mislaid the book I was attempting to read somewhere between Manchester and York. My sister Ceri had lend it to me to make my train journey home go faster and be more enjoyable. It even made sitting right outside the toilet for almost three hours bearable.

There is a lot of talk of bread and other bakery goods which as someone who likes to bake and likes to eat I really enjoyed. 

I loved the part where she realises that she has a wardrobe full of clothes that she no longer wears as she is too busy living her new different life.  I have clothes, shoes and bags that I can no longer wear or enjoy at the moment. I must admit although I can't always dress as I wish (I'm still having to keep things simple) it is refreshing to have fewer choices. I have been researching into the "Capsule Wardrobe" I'm enjoying life being more simple and am really embracing being surrounded by fewer items yet things I really love.

Welcome to my silly life

Bring your foot up 

This was something that was constantly being told to me while I learnt to walk again. How I miss those days of just putting one foot in front of the other.It does get easier and I don't constantly have to keep reminding myself of this but it still requires concentration. 

I am writing this today because after tripping over twice this morning I have forced myself to put my foot up for a few hours. It, along with my brain is obviously in need of a rest today. I can't complain really. It does very well. 

Everything has its place

I have been very busy in the flat this week. I'm finally at a point where I have the energy to do 

my daily cleaning plus tackle a project (mainly unpacking still) each day. For so long I have had to choose between the two which has been hard because I need everything in the right place. This is where I find it hard as often people will say I know how you feel, I do too but I never used to be like this so I am not sure if it is the only way my brain can cope or if I have changed personality. I just have to roll with it I suppose. I'm happy so that is the main thing.



Building Dreams

I managed to tick Legoland off the list.   We had a lovely time and as we managed to get Annual Passes will be back again and have a list of things I would like to go on once I am stronger. I did manage to go on a few rides and enjoyed watching others. 

Cerys made me go on this ride lots of times because it made her laugh as I literally could not stop laughing each time we went on it. I found it uncomfortable but so much fun and I can't say no to that girl :) 

Legoland is lovely and I am looking forward to going back there again one day. 

Super Proud of Super Me

I am one year, 4 months post stroke and today I finally (I say finally as those that know me will know that I have been waiting on this moment for so long. ) I started my Gym programme.

While laying in a hospital bed with a paralysed left side, I can still remember peoples faces when I announced that I would walk again. I know, it was awkward, nobody wanted to get my hopes up too much in case it didn't happen. I had even given myself a date that I wanted to achieve this goal. Looking back I don't know if that was bravery, naivety or stupidity but I did it.  Although the original goal was to walk with a stick up to my daughters Sports s Day. I didn't quite manage this but I had started to walk. This was probably my first example of seeing how much my life was about to change and how much of a fight I still had ahead.

I was walking short distances but I was advised that if I went to the school I would need to see if I could get in and out of a car, then there was the issue of how far could I walk, roads, pavements, other pedestrians. I was so scared anyway by this point plus a wheelchair was mentioned. That was not part of my plan. I wanted to walk in. I also didn't feel I was strong enough to have a few hours out of hospital only to have to go back there again.

So today, I walked to the Gym by myself. I have been on the Treadmill, Bike and did some arm strengthening It felt amazing and I am looking forward to next week already.

I have had a unofficial goal which is to one day run.  I am not brave/naive/stupid enough to set a date but today I am making it a official goal -

One day I will run 

London Wonderful London Part one

It would be so easy for me right now to just hide away from the world and plan things to do once I feel better. I do feel like I am hidden away in some ways because I can't work but I find myself going out more by myself and enjoying chatting to people, something that last year I didn't think I would ever be able to do. I still get a but lost if the conversation involves more than one person but hopefully that will get easier with time too.

I had an amazing time in London recently and am super proud of myself for going on this trip. 

We arrived at London Victoria coach station and made our way across the road and only a short distance away to Victoria Underground station, I managed the steps pretty well and after a straightforward journey on the District Line we soon arrived at our home for the next few days Aldgate East. I always get a bit nervous about finding places from the stations as they normally state head North, East, South or West up a certain street. It would make much more sense to me to label the pavements with the above as it doesn't make any sense in my head. We walked out onto Leman Street and followed the boys who seem to understand these matters more (to those who get confused like me, when you come out of the tube station you are told to head south which to me means head right down Leman Street)  and within a couple of minutes we came across Alfie Street

 and from here we could see the Premier inn 

I love Premier Inns and have stayed a few times in various ones in London and Bristol areas. We had arrived earlier than check in was due to start but would have been happy just to leave our suitcases there at this point but they gave us our room keys and even made a few rearrangements so that we could be fairly close together, in the two rooms that we had booked, The receptionist was lovely and took the time to have a little chat with us too, (my very first proper job was a Hotel Receptionist. I loved it and loved meeting new people and making them feel welcome. I also loved all the admin and organising that came with it.) Danny loved the fact that there were vending machines selling drinks, snacks snd some toiletries.

We very quickly dropped our cases in, freshened up a bit  and headed towards London Bridge. Again this was a simple tube journey on the District Line to Monument with no escalators. 

We didn't immediately see any sign of London Bridge but it wasn't far from the station. 

This here was the main reason for wanting to walk over London Bridge. What a lovely view of Tower Bridge. 

We also saw The Shard. Once over the other side we walked through Borough Market.

Smelling and looking at all the delicious food. I will definitely be back here one day with an empty belly and a purse full of cash. We then found ourselves walking past The Clink 

We didn't actually go into this Museum but have added this to our to do list because Cerys was very intrigued by this.

This was my reason for wanting to visit this part of London. It's not just any old pub but an historical pub. I had pictured myself sitting in the beer garden looking at St a Pauls Catherdral with my glass of wine. 

 Tick :) It felt as good as I had imagined these past few weeks.

Honestly I'm not obsessed with Premier Inns but Premier Inn Southwark is near by this pub so I would love to try that one out next time I am in a London. I fell in love with this area and could quite happily just spend a few days around these small parts. 

We headed back the same way that we had came (spot The Gherkin :) ) 

Danny tried some Egyptian food while the others tried some Hot Dogs 

We then made our way on the District line yet again to Westminister for Cerys to see Big Ben- which was the main reason why she wanted to visit London. We ended up getting separated by here which led to me not swiping my Oyster Card because Ceri was looking after it for me. From that moment on I got a bit braver and kept my Oyster card in my pocket. I would bring a small over the shoulder bag to accompany a backpack next time but you live and learn. I managed to sort out a refund for my mistake on my Oyster card luckily whilst I was there. 

We then walked around to Buckingham Palace 

Then headed down The Mall in search of a Bella Italia as we had a voucher for 25 percent off food there. We went to The Strand. My battery on my phone was low at this point so I have no photos of this. We had the Pane Bella  to start with the Balsamic vinegar and olive oil, I wish you didn't have to choose between this and the Mascarpone and Spinach dip as I enjoy both equally, I followed with the Cannelloni Ricotta which was nice but not something that I would be that excited to try again.

We had then come to the end of a very eventful and jam packed day one and headed back to Aldgate East from Enbankment all ready for our beds. 

Day Two 

I was up pretty early this morning and unpacked our case before we headed for breakfast. We were greeted by such lovely staff who could not have done enough for you.  They offer a wonderful choice of food that would cater for almost Any tastes. 

I really enjoyed my breakfast there each day. Myself, Mum and Cerys had booked to go to Madam Tussards this particular day, our slot was 11:15 to 11:30 so we made our way to Baker Street after breakfast.  A simple tube journey on The Hammersmith and City Line with no escalators and we were had arrived. 

I shall have to abandon this London diary here for now as I started writing it on my phone and knew how to get photos on here very easily but I am now writing on a Chromebook- Thanks so much Claire :) I'm still learning how to use it. My brain is slower than it used to be but I shall get there and I will come back to write London part two when I feel like I can and keep this updated as I miss it but a change such as a swap of a technological device is such a big deal to me and my now brain right now. 

That time of month

Oh I love the two weeks of every month when I am happy and feel like I can conquer the world. I don't do the other two weeks so well. 

I have awful anxiety the week before my period is due to start. It is irrational, I know this but I can not convince my mind otherwise. I am constantly tired and feel as if I could sleep standing up. I have had a particularly hard time this  month and as the pain starting this morning I could literally feel a dark cloud lifting away from me.my mood is good, I almost feel productive as long as I have a hot water bottle and a paracetamol. I am still in the middle of writing about my visit to London, I can only cope with writing about it in short bursts. It will be so worthwhile now when future me can look back and reminisce. 

Life has not been too bad as of late, unlike my bad mood. My sister Claire  has very kindly given me her old chromebook to use which I have to admit I am not using to write this. It is lovely and I will use it to write with very shortly. 

Cerys has started junior school, she loves it very much and it is wonderful to see her looking so very happy. 

I have started following some workouts on YouTube which are not specifically aimed at stroke survivors. If there is anything I can not do, I do my own version but I'm getting quite strong these days and felt the need to push myself a bit more. :) 

I can click my fingers using my left hand, something which I never thought I would be able to do again. My improvements are not always as obvious as they was were but I think that my hand is improving and I am pretty sure that sometimes on rare occasions I don't feel the constant pins and needles anymore. :) it still gets tired very easily after I use it but I will have to put up with that. After all, it had been through a lot this past year.  :)